


Ties That Bind

by tabbiano



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2020-10-19 07:43:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 60,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20653640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabbiano/pseuds/tabbiano
Summary: Son Seungwan, abandoned from birth, ends up in the household of Korea’s most famous married couple, Irene and Donghae. Her life takes a turn as she becomes wound up in a trail of lies and secret affairs.Character Profile:Seungwan: Age 16Irene: Age 27Donghae: Age: near 40sHani: Age 17Jessica: Age mid 30s





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Also, TW for attempted suicide and rated M for mention of sex between adults. 
> 
> There is a large age gap between Wendy and Irene and I haven’t decide if I will have them pursue a relationship while she is under 18. There is no inappropriate interactions between Irene and Wendy (sex, etc) 
> 
> I’m sorry and please be warned about the content before reading. You have been warned. 

—

Seungwan stared blankly at the clock behind the child service administrator’s head. The times she sat here waiting for her new foster home was countless. 

By now she had every part of the office memorized. How long it had been? She couldn’t remember. All she knew was that she arrived here at a young age and couch surfed most of her kid days away. 

Now she was sixteen, entering her senior year in high school (her intelligence landed her a year ahead of peers her age). She was still young, and looked more like she was still 12. 

She was still cute, but other parents looking to adopt wanted to have a small child. Maybe to seem like they were a real family, raising them from a child to adulthood. 

Seungwan had seen plenty, and not all her foster homes were nice. In fact a lot of them were awful, and she was subject to neglect and abuse. The foster families got paid to take care of her. That’s why they took her in, but didn’t necessarily give her the best care. 

So now she dreaded sitting in this office where the fan circulated unbreathable air. 

A few hours later, Seungwan found herself in the back of an expensive Rolls-Royce. The inside was so nice and she feared that one move would break everything around her so she sat tall and stiff in the leather seats. 

What made things worse was that her new foster family was one of Korea’s most famous power couples. 

Donghae and Irene. 

They were all over the media, their faces plastered on buses and billboards, posters in the windows, and papers for every drama and insider information. 

She gulped hoping that this foster thing wasn’t going to be the next headliner. The last thing she wanted was attention. 

All she wanted to do was get through it and probably return back to the child services center. Ah, that wouldn’t be possible soon though. The age limit was 17 going on 18. 

But her new dad seemed pretty nice compared to most of her other foster parents. 

Also he was telling her about a wonderful woman who might be cheered up with her presence. 

“You’re gonna like it there,” Donghae said, and proceeds to describe how luxurious his home was. 

Seungwan avoided his gaze in the rear view mirror. Instead she pretended to be interested in the scenery outside. They were in the city, and heading to the more expensive parts where mansions and villas were heavily guarded behind security gates.

She wasn’t sure if she was going to like this at all. It sounded like they were busy people since they were famous celebrities. 

She could see it clearly. 

Once they figured out how tiring it was to have a kid, they would probably hand her back. 

Donghae certainly wasn’t lying about how big his house was. 

Seungwan was sure she would get lost in there somehow. 

Her new father helped carry her small pack of belongings while she swung on her old Jansport backpack that had seen better days. 

The place looked like a palace, and Seungwan wondered how he and his wife could enjoy it all. 

How much did it even cost?

She followed him along a cobblestone path to the front door, which was nice polished oak with a glass decor in the center. 

Donghae unlocked the door and Seungwan literally felt air from the place knock her backwards. 

Or maybe it was just her shock making her take a step back. 

It was so grand. 

Every step she took was like ice. She feared that any sudden movement would break the place. 

This place just put every other home Seungwan had lived in to shame. 

“Honey, I’m home!” Donghae called. He smiled at the teen and placed her things aside. “Come on. Let’s go meet your mother.”

But Donghae had never mentioned that his wife was more beautiful than the villa. Irene was a little taller than Seungwan, and she did not look like she was 27 years old at all. 

Now she found herself staring up at dark brown eyes that didn’t look happy or angry. Just...cold and expressionless. 

“This is our new daughter!” Donghae exclaimed. “Son Seungwan!”

Irene just stared at her. 

“Um...h-hello.” Seungwan tried to be respectful despite the discomfort in the air. 

Irene still did not say anything. Instead, her eyes flashed towards Donghae. “Why did you bring her here?”

“What? Dear, we’ve always wanted a kid! So...so we're fostering her for now!” He placed a hand on Seungwan’s shoulder. “Come on, Irene, at least welcome her here.”

Irene scoffed. “You should have discussed this with me first. Do we even have time for a child? How old is she?”

“Sixteen,” Donghae replied. 

“You should have left her there.”

Seungwan felt a bit stung that Irene could say something like that so easily in front of her. She had feelings too. 

Well, they probably didn’t know what she went through. Maybe they didn’t care. It sounded like Donghae had ulterior motives for bringing her here. Not just to care for her. 

Were they going to? Irene didn’t seem to be keen on being her guardian. 

“Look, babe. Let’s just...show her around. I’m sure you two—“

“You will. Not me,” Irene interrupted. “You got her. She’s yours.”

Dinner that night was awkward. Donghae was trying to be cheerful and make his wife not angry anymore. Irene was obviously not happy. And Seungwan was trying not to feel uncomfortable the whole time. 

They ordered Chinese take out and Seungwan felt extremely queasy because of all the stress, not to mention the grease from the food. 

—

The days and weeks passed like that. Irene kept her distance while Donghae tried to make Seungwan feel at home. 

He took her to school in the mornings before work, and sometimes would take her for a drive out by the coast. 

At least he was trying. They talked about things like his job and his whole life story, how he met Irene. 

When it came to her, she shifted uncomfortably. There wasn’t much to her story except for the various homes she stayed in. Nothing to share. Unless they wanted to know about how she once got beat up pretty badly. 

Seungwan had her own bedroom. There were so many. Donghae (and Irene) decides she would sleep in the room next to them. Just in case soemthing happened. She scoffed. Did they think she was going to rob the place or something? Drugs? 

She wasn’t that kind of rebellious teen. 

All she wanted was to have a peaceful life for once and get out of this place. 

Obviously, she wasn’t welcome here. 

Her suspicions about Donghae were confirmed one night she couldn’t sleep. 

They were arguing. 

“Honey, I just wanted to cheer you up,” Donghae said. “And you’re usually home alone anyway now. It might be good to have something to do.”

“Something to do?” Irene snapped. “I’m on a break, Donghae. What do you think that means?”

“I...I meant that she could keep you company...”

“She’s a sixteen year old girl. Not a puppy.”

It was silent for a few moments. 

“I...I just thought since the last time we tried, that maybe she could be our kid for a little. She’ll be an adult soon anyway.”

Seungwan sighed heavily. 

So Irene was infertile. 

She was just a guinea pig to these people. These rich folk who didn’t know what real suffering was. 

—

She pretended that she never heard the conversation, but it was still hard to act happy when she knew that no one actually wanted her. Well, maybe one half because Donghae tried. As for Irene, she was just a ghost. 

Seungwan tried to give her some credit. The actress still made meals for her when she came back from school. 

Maybe Irene was afraid that her status as a celebrity would lower if anyone found out she was heartless enough to send away an orphan. 

Donghae still tried to make them get along , but even that blew over. The conversation just settled between the couple and Seungwan listened to them talk. 

She didn’t care either. 

Well, she tried not to. 

But it was hard when Irene would purposefully ignore her and not even look her direction. 

—

“Hey, Wendy!” A classmate named Hani caught up to her at lunch one day. “I saw you this morning!”

“You did?” She looked up at the taller girl. 

“Yeah. Was that a Rolls-Royce? Those are really expensive.”

She shrugged. “Dunno. I’m not a car person.”

And she walked away from her without even saying a farewell. 

“Sheesh. Stuck up aren’t you?” Hani said loud enough for her to hear. 

Seungwan disregarded the insult. She didn’t want anyone to know anything about her, and she didn’t want to know anything about Hani either. 

After school, she hung out in the library for a little because she didn’t feel like going “home”. 

Also, Donghae recently gifted her with an iPhone, claiming it was some sort of belated welcome to the family present. It was a 32GB phone with WiFi and everything but Seungwan didn’t really use it. She never had a need for it, but it was useful for letting Irene know when she was going to not go home early. 

Seungwan felt like she was bothering Irene though.

And it made her feel guilty. 

Irene didn’t want her. She was just Donghae’s wild card because Irene couldn’t have children. 

Seungwan was just a reminder of what Irene could not give Donghae. 

After highlighting every single page in her book for the last hour, she finally decided she’d studied enough and headed home. 

The bus was late, and the light was already gone when she stepped in. 

Irene was sitting alone at the table reading some feminist book. Without looking up she said, “You’re late.”

“S-Sorry...the bus was late,” Seungwan replied and started to head up the stairs to wash up. She didn’t want to deal with Irene’s hostility. 

“Eat your dinner,” Irene continued. “It’s in the kitchen.”

She didn’t feel like eating. Anyway, she needed to finish her homework that she didn’t do all afternoon. 

—

Seungwan sat in the library for a long time, staring at the pages of her history text book. For the last two hours, she remained on page 77, reading the words over and over. But nothing stuck in her head. 

Lately, she was feeling sluggish and lethargic. She did her homework, and was mostly paying attention in class—when she wasn’t dozing off, of course. 

That’s what the weekend was for. Catch up, she decided. 

She threw her things in her backpack and waited for the bus. The days were getting short. Winter would be here soon. 

A red orange leaf fluttered down before her and then washed away in the gutter. 

This time she returned home by sunset and was surprised to find Donghae home early. 

He was usually out working on something. Apparently he already had plans for a new up and coming drama.

Deciding not to think much of it, she entered the house. Irene was nowhere to be seen. 

Seungwan shook the thought away. Why did that even matter?

As she headed upstairs, she heard noises from their bedroom. 

Loud pants, heaving sighs, and rhythmic pounding sounds of flesh against flesh. 

Seungwan’s throat became dry and she headed back downstairs quietly. 

She couldn’t erase the noises from her head, and she didn’t want to be in here while Donghae and Irene were having sex. 

Seungwan wondered if they were trying to have a baby again. 

—

“Hey, Seungwan.” Donghae stooped by her room on a Friday evening. 

“Hi...Donghae.” He told her not to call him Dad. He wanted to be on friendly terms or something it seemed. 

“So, I’m gonna be out for the week. Going to Japan. Want something?”

“Um...no thanks.”

“Sure, kid, I’ll bring you something cool anyway. How’s that sound?”

Seungwan tried to smile. “Ok.”

“Anyway, could you do me a favor?” He asked. “Irene will be here alone—I know she doesn’t seem to be very friendly to you, but could you take care of her for me?”

Seungwan frowned a little. Take care of someone more than a decade older than her? “Sure.” 

Irene wouldn’t like the sound of that. 

“Thanks kiddo. I promise it’ll get better. She’s just having a hard time.”

Seungwan nodded, and went back to studying. She tried to focus while Donghae and Irene were obviously having a heated discussion about her downstairs. 

Nobody wants me, she thought to herself.

So now Seungwan dragged herself out of bed early on a Saturday morning because she needed to finish a big homework set that she had tried to complete the day before. 

Domain and range, open or closed? Ugh. She knew she should have paid attention instead of sleeping in class. 

Seungwan turned over to the beginning of the chapter hoping that the examples would explain what she didn’t know right now. 

Did Irene wake up yet?

Seungwan dug her pencil in a little too hard on the page and it broke. 

Damn it. She stood up with the pencil and headed down to the pantry for the pencil sharpener. 

Irene was sitting at the table reading the same feminist book again. 

“Up already?” Irene commented as she turned a page.

“Yes.” Seungwan gulped and gripped her stationary tightly in her hand. She began to step away cautiously, reaching for the pantry door when Irene spoke again. 

“Where do you want to go today?”

“M-me?”

“Yeah.”

“U-um...I have to finish my homework...” 

She glanced at the older woman, who was still engrossed with the book. “Fine. Eat breakfast. It’s in the pot.”

“D-did you eat?” 

“Mhm.”

“Ok.” Seungwan forgot about sharpening her pencil and went to get whatever was in the pot. 

Rice porridge. 

She felt a little uncomfortable to sit alone in the same room with Irene and proceeded to eat in the kitchen. 

The day passed this way. In silence. 

Irene never moved from the table. 

And Seungwan finally managed to get her work done.

“I’ll take you to school tomorrow.”

“What?” Seungwan almost spat out her rice at dinner. 

“Donghae usually takes you.”

“It’s ok. I’ll just catch the bus,” Seungwan replied. 

Irene didn’t say anything.

The young teen cast a brief glance at her, and instantly regretted her decision. 

Irene was looking at her. 

—

Irene heeded her wishes an Seungwan woke up early to catch the first bus. She didn’t see the actress before leaving and decided it was better that way. There was still tension between them, though it seemed Irene was making an effort to try to interact with her. 

She was still slightly creeped out with the way that Irene watched her last night at dinner. Her eyes were dark, studying Seungwan, as if taking in every part of her. 

“Wendy if you would please grace us with the answer!” Her math teacher called out. 

She blanked out and stared at the board. 

“The limit is 0,” she blurted out without thinking. 

“Ah I’m so glad. You were paying attention after all.”

Her heart almost leaped our of her chest and she had to hold on to contain it.

Seungwan had two choices. Go to the library or return home, to stay true to her word that she would take care of Irene. 

Was it take care or keep company?

She wasn’t sure and decided it was better to just go home anyway. 

She was tired. 

“Hey!” Hani appeared again with her accomplices: Jennie and Jeonghwa. “What happened to that Rolls-Royce? You have a sugar daddy?”

“No,” Seungwan wrinkled her nose in disdain. 

“Sugarmommy?”

“No!” Seungwan tried to walk past them, but Joy held her back. 

“Geez Louise. She’s already angry.” 

“Just leave me alone.” Seungwan grumbled and shoved her aside. 

But Hani grabbed her and knocked her head into hers with a loud crack. 

Seungwan lay winded on the floor with stars dancing before her eyes. 

“Hani, I think you went too far,” Jennie held her back. “Come on. Let’s just go.”

And they left her laying on the cement, cars passing and people walking over her. 

No one cared. 

“What happened to your face?” Irene asked once she got home. 

“I fell.” Seungwan started to head up so she could properly inspect the damage. The area above her right eyebrow throbbed with pain and she wondered how bad the bruise was going to be. 

“Come down for dinner.”

Seungwan curled her lip in disdain as she shed her clothes before going into the shower. 

The same everyday. 

Seungwan didn’t feel like going down to explain what happened. She didn’t want to eat. And she didn’t want to wonder about Irene’s creepy stares or whether she still hated her or not. 

She didn’t want to be their little phase in time. 

Irene was trying but it was already evident that she did not want Seungwan.

Why bother?

But she still went to eat with Irene. To keep her side of the deal for Donghae. 

—

People stared at her big bruise above her brow. And Hani found great humor in it too. 

It took all her inner strength not to jump her and throw a few punches. She didn’t want to make more trouble for her foster parents. 

“Hey,” Seungwan recognized the other girl as Seulgi. They were in the same year. “You alright?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m Seulgi.”

Seungwan glanced at her. “We’re in the same math class.”

“Ah...yes...” Seulgi chuckled nervously. “Um...if Hani keeps bothering you, me and my girls can give you a hand.”

“No thanks. The last thing I need is more trouble.” And Seungwan walked away while pulling her backpack over her shoulder. 

—

Seungwan was surprised to find Donghae’s car parked outside. Back again so early?

She wondered if maybe he and Irene were having sex again. 

That wasn’t right. Today Irene had to go to some filming thing, Radio Star, and she wouldn’t be back until early evening. 

Or maybe she was back early too?

She didn’t want to know and decided to head back out. Maybe she could find that book Irene was always reading in the library.

—

Donghae was back, and Seungwan lay awake at night to the sounds of him and Irene having sex. She could hear his grunts and pants and his low growl when he was about to blow his load. 

Disgusted, she covered her ears with her pillow and hid under the sheets though it did nothing. 

The next morning, they acted as if nothing happened. Irene was back to her cold stone self and Donghae was grinning all cheerful. 

“Oh! Here’s your gift!” He held out a bag with something inside. 

“Thanks.” Seungwan stared inside to find a large Snoopy in all its glory stuffed into it. She pulled it up by its paw. 

“Do you like it?” He asked. 

“I like Snoopy.” 

“I’m so glad. So how was your week together?” He asked hopefully. 

“Fine,” Irene answered grimly. “And your trip?”

“It was great! We went sightseeing after the photo shoots, and press meetings!”

Seungwan wondered if by ‘we’ he meant all the crew. 

Since he was back, Donghae decided that as a family they should go eat somewhere nice. 

Irene was indifferent and Seungwan would rather hide in her room than go out with them. 

Unfortunately, they were now in his car and approaching a horribly luxurious restaurant that looked like it cost a fortune. 

“Get whatever you want!” He beamed. 

Seungwan swallowed nervously and stared at the menu. 

Why was everything so expensive?

There was a lot of French in the menu and Seungwan began to feel overwhelmed in this place. Everyone must be rich to be here. They all looked like business people—successful in some way. 

“Ready to order?” The waiter appeared. 

“Um...just...spaghetti please.”

“And drink?”

“Water.”

Irene and Donghae made their orders, both choosing something from some grand entree. 

They were probably used to this life. 

Also, she was sitting next to Irene. Stuck between Irene and the wall.

How did this happen? 

Well it was either that or be stuck sitting across from her. They were sure to make eye contact that way. 

This was better then. 

The waiter brought their drinks. Irene also chose a water while Donghae got a bit of sparkling alcohol. 

Seungwan quickly stabbed her straw into the ice cubes and went to work on the water. She needed to do something to ease the stress. 

“Seungwan what happened to your face?” Donghae asked. 

“I fell.”

“Be careful next time, yeah?”

Seungwan nodded. But then someone caught her eye that made her tremble in fear. 

Hani. 

She quickly pulled her hood over her face and tried to hide. 

“Donghae!” Another woman stood over their table. 

“Hey, Jess! Oh wow is this Hani? She’s grown up!”

“Yes, I’m surprised to see you here with Irene. What’s the occasion?”

“Ah just getting together after work.”

Please go away. Please go away.

“Oh is that your son?” Jessica asked curiously. “I never knew you had a child.”

“We adopted her.”

“He adopted her,” Irene interrupted. 

Which were both lies. 

They were foster parents. Big difference. 

“Say hello Seungwan,” Donghae urged. 

She was forced to look up at her enemy and her enemy’s mom. “H-hi.”

“Awww she so cute!” Jessica gushed And reaches forward to pinch her cheeks. 

Seungwan gulped and glanced at Hani who was glaring daggers at her already. 

Irene pushed Jessica’s hands away. “So Sica how was Japan?”

“Ah it was fun!” Jessica seemed to have caught herself. “I had to go there for a drama as well.” She exchanged a nervous glance with Donghae. 

“Is that so?” Irene said silkily and briefly gazed at Donghae. 

“We’re on the same cast,” he said. 

Irene hummed and to Seungwan’s surprise, the older woman laced an arm around her. Her fingers lightly curled around Seungwan’s arm. 

What is she doing?

Seungwan became tense as Irene gently rubbed her arm. 

“Oh what happened to your face Seungwan?” Hani suddenly piped up, a smirk on her lips. 

There were too many things happening at one time. Hani, Japan, Jessica, some silent air battle between the three adults, and now Irene suddenly being all touchy with her. 

So she shrugged indifferently and sipped her water while trying to find something interesting in the ice cubes. 

Anything to keep her from wanting to smash that smirk in. 

“Good to see you,” Jessica said more to Donghae than Irene. 

Soon their dinner arrived and Irene finally removed her hand from Seungwan’s shoulder. 

—

Donghae headed up to bed first leaving Seungwan alone with Irene at the couch where she had joined them to watch some drama that Irene had starred in previously. 

The cam zoomed in on her face showing her big glistening teary eyes as she stared into her lover’s gaze. “I want to go,” she whispered. 

“Don’t leave me,” her in character lover choked out. “I need you. We just finally found each other after all these years...”

“If I stay, I’ll die.” She looked sickly. “Wait for me. I will come back when I am recovered.”

Irene turned off the television and sighed heavily. “They keep rerunning it. People just can’t move on.”

“How old were you in it?” Seungwan asked. 

“I was 21. That was my debut.” She pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on her arm. “After that, everyone wanted me.”

“That’s a good thing right?”

“Maybe. It’s just all fantasy and actors can get carried away. Fall in love with the character they think is the person.” 

Seungwan kept her mouth shut wondering if Irene would elaborate. 

“Why did you pull your hood up at dinner?” Irene asked. “It’s disrespectful.”

“Sorry.” Seungwan looked away. She didn’t want to tell about her encounters with Hani. 

“Hani seemed to know you.”

“We go to the same school.”

“Did you get in a fight?” Irene said a little firmly. “Is that where the bruise came from?”

“Tch. No.” Seungwan didn’t want her to know about the issues at school. She could handle it...for a little longer. 

They sat together in silence. Probably the longest conversation between them. 

“I’m going to bed,” Irene announced. “You should too.”

Seungwan lay awake. It was quiet fortunately. 

Her new Snoopy slept beside her pillow, and she touched its soft fur absently. 

Irene was such a puzzle.

What was the older woman doing holding Seungwan like that at the restaurant? Was it just for show in front of Jessica?

Also, she found it weird that Jessica and Donghae were particularly friendly. And they both went to Japan at the same time.

Maybe they were close colleagues, she mused. Irene didn’t seem too happy about seeing Jessica though. A love triangle?

Seungwan groaned and turned onto her side. Why am I wasting time over their personal lives? It wasn’t her business and she didn’t care, she told herself. 

Anyway, this was just temporary. 

Soon it wouldn’t matter and she would be alone again. 

And Irene would finally be rid of her. 

—

“Look, it’s Wendy!” Hani crowed in the hallway. “She’s Donghae and Irene’s new pet!”

A lot of the students suddenly became very interested and crowded around her, exclaiming surprise.

Seulgi and her friends: Yeri and Joy looked shocked as well. But Seulgi also wore a disdainful frown. 

“She thinks she’s so much better than us!” Hani sneered. “Just because your FOSTER parents are the most famous celebrities!”

Everyone chattered at once asking so many questions, and saying a lot of nothing at the same time. 

“Humph. Well at least I know where we stand,” Seulgi growled in her ear. 

“W-what? I’m not stuck up!” Seungwan protested to unhearing ears. 

Yeri cast her a sympathetic look but followed Seulgi. 

“Everyone knows Irene is such a bitch,” Hani continued. “Looks like there’s another one right here.”

“Shut up!” Seungwan snapped and shoved people aside so she could glare defiantly up at the taller girl. “Shut up about all of it! It’s not your fucking business!” She rose her fist and swung it at Hani’s disgusting grin.

But it never made contact. 

Hani’s accomplices rushed forward and pinned her to the wall. 

“Let me go!” She struggled against them, kicking and flailing her arms everywhere. 

Hani cracked her knuckles loudly and grinned. “Oh I’m gonna enjoy this.”

“Hah! Do you think I care what you think about Irene?” Seungwan snarled. “She’s not my mom! Why don’t you just—“

A fist flew into her cheek and pain clouded her mind for a few seconds. 

“You shut up! I don’t care about your mom either! She’s the reason my mom’s life is ruined!”

“What?” 

Another punch broke her nose and blood streamed down her lips. 

“Irene stole him from us!” Hani threw another one just barely missing her eye. “Donghae is MY father!”

The next thing she knew, they were sitting in the principal’s office awaiting their parents’ arrivals. 

“It isn’t everyday we get skirmishes,” the principal said. “What compelled you to fight like WWE?”

Also the principal was super into boxing and was a big fan of The Rock Johnson. 

Seungwan waited for Hani to answer. She was the one who started it first. 

“Hm. Well then if it something that can’t be shared you two need to work it out. By next week, you will give each other a letter of apology signed by your parents.”

“Yes Miss Seo,” They chorused. 

Seungwan sat nervously in the nurse’s office while the principal called up her mom. She flinched when the nurse tended to her broken nose, and actually pulled it back into place. 

The rest was just bruises and she got an ice pack for it. 

Unfortunately, it was Irene who came o pick her up. She looked very unhappy. 

Luckily Jessica picked Hani up first, she seemed serious but it wasn’t as scary as Irene’s death glare. 

It also made matters Irene even more angry that the incident had to do with Jessica’s daughter. 

Her grip was tight on the steering wheel that her knuckles were paler than she already was. 

“Why didn’t you tell the truth?” Irene demanded as soon as they got home. 

“What’s it to you?” Seungwan retorted. “I handled it without your help.”

Irene pinched the bridge of her nose and exhaled loudly. “Seungwan, what am I supposed to tell Donghae when he sees you like this?”

“I don’t know. It wasn’t my fault. Hani was the one who hit me.” 

Yeah, the other girl didn’t even have a scratch. 

“Seungwan, I know you don’t like me, but—“

“Hah! You’re one to talk!” Seungwan guffawed. “You don’t even want me!”

“Seungwan that isn’t—“

“Don’t say it! I already know since the first day I got here! I’m just a replacement kid for a little bit, and it failed. Donghae failed!” Seungwan felt her emotions bubbling over and she couldn’t stop now. “Nobody wants me! My parents gave me up as soon as I was born! I’ve gone from home to home for years! You’re right, Donghae should have let me stay there. At least I don’t have to know that another person doesn’t want me! So don’t tell me that it isn’t what you think!” 

She stormed up the stairs and locked herself in room still fuming, and bawling into the Snoopy. 

To Hani, I’m sorry that we got off to a bad start. It’s ok that you’re mad about it. I think I’d be mad too. The only problem is I stopped caring for a long time. I never had a real mom. You still have your mom and she loves you. I’m also not sorry that you punched me. Now I have some cool battle scars. Thanks. 

To Donghae, thanks for trying to give me a good home. And thanks you for trying to be a dad. I don’t know where you loyalty actually lies but you should probably think about what you’re doing that is hurting other people. I like the Snoopy. Also, good luck in your promo. 

To Irene, I don’t hate you. Thanks for making me food every day. 

Seungwan never felt more accomplished in her life than right now. She would leave the Hani note out for either Irene or Donghae to sign. 

And the other two could sit on her desk so they could find it easily. 

Seungwan didn’t come down for dinner. She didn’t want to see Donghae’s disappointed face of Irene’s disdainful looks. 

She just didn’t want to deal with this crap anymore. 

Seungwan managed to get a razor blade from the other bathroom undetected. She turned on the bath water until it was a comfortably hot temperature. Then, she sank into it (with her clothes on) feeling the heat pinch her skin, but it was just right. 

Seungwan glanced at the razor blade and then experimentally tested the sharpness against her nail. 

It was very sharp. 

She took in a breath and let the blade slide across her flesh. At first, there was no pain then a small sting followed, and she felt nothing again. 

Seungwan did it again and again. 

Blood seeped from the cuts and into the bathtub. 

The final one was the deepest and it really hurt then. She decided it was enough and waited out for eternity to come knocking on her door. 

But someone did knock on her door. 

“Seungwan! Are you in there?” It was Donghae. 

She was already beginning to feel a little lightheaded and the water around her looked like red watercolor.

“Maybe she’s asleep,” he said. 

“Seungwan!” Irene demanded. “Open the door!”

The doorknob rattled against the lock. Seungwan grinned, all in a day’s work. 

Everything began to fade, her vision, her hearing...Irene and Donghae became muffled white noise...

—

Seungwan felt well rested. Better than days since she arrived at her new foster home. 

Had she found heaven?

When she opened her eyes, she was surrounded in white light. 

But as she adjusted to the surroundings, it turned out to be a hospital room. 

And Donghae was sitting at her side. 

I’m not dead...?

“Hey kid.” 

Seungwan glanced at her left arm, which was all patched with stitches from her slashing her skin open. In her other arm was a needle from an IV drip. 

Feeling angry that she didn’t die, she tore it off, which caused an alarm to go off. Nurses piled in and restrained her to put everything back. Then one of them managed to poke her with a tranquilizer to calm her down. 

“Kid, you really had us worried.” He pat her head. “But you’re ok now. Irene gave you some of her blood.”

Seungwan stared at him, wondering why her plan failed. 

The tranquilizer began to take effect and drowsiness clouded her mind. 

The last thing she remembered was the doctor calling Donghae to discuss her condition and the next course of action. 

Dreams were amazing. The things you could see, experience, and control (sometimes). The events that would never happen in real life. 

Seungwan was in a field of grass with a majestic white horse grazing the tops of the green stems beside her. She smiled reveling in the warmth of the sun against her skin. She felt free as the wind gently brushed her cheeks. 

Turns out the gentle strokes were actually Irene’s hand against Seungwan’s cheek. 

Once she was fully awake, she noticed a medical band around Irene’s arm. An order for donating her blood to a patient. Seungwan. 

“I-Irene?” She shivered because this was not a normal gesture from the older woman, and she was guilty for causing this trouble.

“Seungwan, I’m sorry.”

“...what?” Her brain was a bit sluggish thanks to the injection the nurses gave her. 

“I...I didn’t know anything about you. I was wrong to treat you the way I did.”

Seungwan thought she must be dreaming so she blinked her eyes a couple times. Nope. Irene was still there, watching her with worry in her tired eyes. 

“I’ll let you rest,” Irene said when Seungwan didn’t respond. “You’re tired.”

“B-beautiful...” Seungwan surely was not in her right mind. The drugs were making her say stuff she would rather keep to herself. 

Irene looked shocked for a moment, but her expression softened. “Go to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”


	2. Chapter 2

Seungwan was back home after the hospital finally decided she was stable enough not to attempt self harm and suicide again. 

Now Donghae and Irene treated her differently than before. It made her sick. 

How fake. 

All it took was her failed attempt to escape this world. And now they felt sorry for her. 

She didn’t want them to feel sorry for her. She didn’t want them to look at her in pity. 

Now they wanted her to do stuff with them, and she really just wanted to be alone. 

Also, Irene was trying to get close to her, which Seungwan found to be quite annoying. 

She would greet her at the door when she wasn’t away, and ask about school. 

She would also suggest that maybe they should go outside and enjoy the garden outside together. 

Sometimes, she would inquire about Seungwan—like personal background and interests. 

And she would come in at night to wish her a good night. 

That was just some of many. 

I bet none of this would be happening if they just let me go.

She now had a butt load of homework that needed to be done for the week she missed classes. The doctor’s note excused her absence and also bought her more time on work. 

Even the teachers looked at her differently and constantly checked on her as if they thought she were going to do something dangerous again. 

Donghae and Irene never brought up the skirmish with Hani since then. Good riddance too, though her face still clearly bore the damage. 

Irene probably told him anyway. 

The doctor just warned them not to stress her out too much. 

“Wanna go out for a little?” Donghae asked. “It’s a nice day out.”

“Ok.” She had to make them believe she was alright.

She could be an actor too. 

The three of them went out to the pier for some fresh sea breeze. It was a weekend so there was quite a crowd gathering in the sparkling night-lit area. 

It smelled like fried stuff and sweet edible things. 

Families, couples, singles, children, and people simply passing through surrounded them as they squeezed in line to get some ice cream. 

Donghae got a vanilla ice cream stuffed with nuts and bits of cookie. Seungwan chose chocolate, and so did Irene. 

They sat on a bench overlooking the water sloshing at the rocks below. There was a slight wind and the waves were particularly high. 

She spotted a large boat adorned with lights that shone the grand interior stuffed with people. Seungwan hadn’t seen it before. It was some type of cruise boat. Like the titanic. 

She hoped it wouldn’t sink out in the open. 

Beside her, Irene and Donghae chatted over work and whatever gossip passed between their celebrity friends. 

It sounded so business like. 

“You doing ok, kid?” Donghae said. 

“Yeah, thanks for the ice cream.”

“No problem!” He replied cheerily. “Let’s do this again next week, yeah?”

“Ok.”

—

To Seungwan, sorry for beating you up. It wasn’t the right thing to do. Next time, I will control my temper. Hope you’re feeling better. 

-Hani 

They had to send their respective letters of apology to Principal Seo. Since there was a restraining order between them on campus, they were not allowed to be in close proximity of one another. 

So, the office worker sent a TA to deliver the letters in class. 

Everyone was still raging over their fight and how Seungwan was a measly squirt. 

It also didn’t help that now everyone knew who her parents were. They kept crowding her and asking for autographs and what life was like living the good life, and all that jazz. 

It took all her composure not to scream at them to shut the hell up and leave her alone. 

Instead she would just tell them she was busy and then scurry away to hide behind the hedgerow in the athletic field. 

Otherwise, her days were a little more peaceful without Hani hunting her down. 

Seungwan decided to head home early instead of going to the library. She felt tired and didn’t feel like waiting on the street for the bus in the dark alone. 

Her steps scuffed the sidewalk and she almost tripped on an uprooted part of the ground. 

Someone sniggered behind her and she was sure she knew who it was without turning around. 

“Stop following me;” Seungwan said aloud. 

But it was just a kid tagging along his mom, who gave her a disdainful look. “Teens are so disrespectful these days,” the lady commented to her son, and dragged him away. 

Ugh. The Hani incidents were getting to her. 

Seungwan brushes off the woman’s insult. She wouldn’t see her again, hopefully. 

Once home, the girl kicked off her shoes, expecting Irene to be somewhere in the house. 

Well, someone was here. 

But it wasn’t Irene. 

“Oh!” Jessica stood up in surprise. “What are you doing here so early?” She was dressed in a pink bathrobe, and looked quite flustered. Her cheeks were tinted a light pink and her hair was tousled a bit. 

“Babe, who are you talking to—oh shit!” Donghae appeared from the kitchen in boxers. “Seungwan, you’re home early!”

“Uh...I was just leaving.” Seungwan stepped back. 

“W-wait! What if she tells Irene?” Jessica protested. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll handle it.”

Seungwan ignored them and went back outside. Hm. So her previous suspicions were correct. There was a steamy affair going on between Donghae and Jessica. 

Her expression became sour. That meant Donghae was having sex with two women. 

Trying to push out the disgusting thought from her mind, she ended up going to the library after all. 

Irene: Where are you?

Seungwan glanced at her phone screen after blankly staring at her homework for the past hour. She couldn’t get the picture of Donghae and Jessica our of her mind. First of all, he was half naked and wearing the world’s ugliest boxers. His legs looked like spindly spider legs were studded all over. And he needed to put on a t-shirt. 

But if he was cheating on Irene, how many other times had he stuck his dick into another woman’s cave hole?

Ew. 

She answered the text. Yes.

Irene: I’ll pick you up.

Seungwan: Ok. 

She wasn’t going to say no this time. The teen felt even more worn out after having to walk in on the affair.

Soon, Irene arrived in a black sporty Audi. Seungwan gulped and chose the back seat as usual because she was still a kid, and didn’t really feel like sitting next to Irene in an expensive car. 

“Is Hani still bothering you?” Irene asked at the red light. 

“No, the principal put a restraining order for both of us in school.”

“That’s good. I don’t want her to hurt you again.”

Seungwan wondered how Irene was able to show this much concern so quickly. It was like honey, but a sickening amount. She kind of wished Irene had gone back to treating her coldly because it was so weird. And she didn’t know if the woman was being fake or not. 

Seungwan just left it alone. Sooner or later Irene would become tired of this facade. 

Upon their return, the house was empty. Seungwan mused that after her unexpected arrival, Donghae and Jessica must have beat it out of here pretty quickly. 

Irene and Seungwan were left alone together again. 

“Do you want chicken?” Irene asked. 

“You don’t eat chicken,” Seungwan pointed out. 

“I’ll make it for you. I can eat something else.”

Seungwan became a little uncertain about this. 

“Go wash up. Dinner will be ready when you come down.”

Donghae did return after dinner, and he greeted Irene with more affection than usual. 

Actually, Seungwan couldn’t recall any day where they cuddled or kissed. If they were home at the same time, Irene was usually reading a book or working out at their in-home gym. Donghae called her pet names, but they didn’t really kiss. 

And they had sex when they thought Seungwan wasn’t aware. 

He also kept stealing glances at the teen as if he were afraid she would rat him out. 

“Miss me, babe?” He embraced Irene from behind and buried his nose in his wife’s neck. “You smell good.”

Irene didn’t seem to like his initiations at all, though she let him pepper her face with kisses. “Why would I? You come back anyway.”

“Right! Because I’m your awesome husband!” Then he grinned at Seungwan. “How’s school?”

“It’s ok.”

“Great! Uh, Irene, why don’t you wash up first? I’ll do the dishes with Seungwan.” He rolled up his sleeves. 

Irene glanced at Seungwan and then handed him the sponge. Without even saying a word of thanks to him or good night, she brushed past Seungwan, who stared at her retreating back. 

“Hey...kid?” Donghae said after a while, to make sure Irene was not within hearing range. “About today, don’t tell anyone about it, especially not Irene.”

Seungwan shrugged and continued drying the dishes to put away in the cupboard. “Ok.”

“Thanks, kid. It’s been rough for us.”

Seungwan glanced at him, wondering if Hani told the truth. Was Donghae really her father? Is that why he was seeing Jessica in secret?

Then why did he marry Irene?

Aish...again getting wound up in their personal business. It didn’t matter to her. She was not their child and soon she would be out of here. 

Seungwan brushed her teeth without turning on the bathroom light. Since the bathroom was in her room, she could just use the room light instead. 

Also, Irene and Donghae were having a heated discussion next door. And she had the honor of not even having to eavesdrop because they were pretty upset. 

“This is just for publicity, remember?” Donghae said. “Soon, we will divorce as according to plan. Then you’ll be free.” He paused. “You’re not in love with me, are you?”

“Of course not,” Irene replied. “I’m just tired of you wanting to fuck me all the time.”

“Well...we are married.”

“I don’t know why I agreed to this,” Irene growled. “I’m not something you can just use.”

“You know why. Money. That’s what we’re getting in exchange. I want you to be happy. That’s why I got Seungwan.”

“You don’t care about me. And I don’t care about you,” Irene argued. “Don’t tell me how to be happy! I never wanted a child to begin with! Now you’ve fed Seungwan with little lies that are eating her up, and she’s going to hate me for it!”

“What? Seungwan has nothing to do with this.”

“You really had me,” Irene continued in a rage. “I thought that I needed to make you happy. I thought I had to be better than Jessica. No. I’m just a fool.”

“So...did you love me?” He asked. 

“I was young and naive.”

“Oh, Irene...” 

Seungwan spat out the toothpaste bubbles and rinsed her face. 

What the heck kind of deal were they involved in?

“I...I could have fallen in love with you too,” Donghae continued. “When we met in our first drama together. We were at the pinnacle of success. You had so much promise and youth—you still do. I...I had never felt so alive.”

“I got carried away with fame,” Irene said coldly. “And you fell in love with a fictional character. This means nothing.”

Seungwan heard the door slam closed and she quickly shut off the lights and scrambled into bed. Her heart beat furiously as footsteps drew near to her room. 

“Irene, it’s not my fault that you chose to mistreat her,” Donghae declared. “It’s your own fault for feeling offended.”

“How am I supposed to feel?” Irene snapped. “When I can’t have children, and then you come and bring that girl!”

“You spread your legs for me,” Donghae pointed out. 

“Did you even listen to me?” She countered. “All you care about is yourself and your image. That’s why you won’t even acknowledge your own daughter.”

“Seungwan is our—“

“No. She isn’t. You know exactly who I’m talking about.”

Seungwan wondered if they had any idea that she could hear them clearly now. They were practically yelling outside her door. 

“You think you’re entitled to anything,” Irene growled. 

“You wanted money too, Irene. You made your choice and so did I. We are married now.” There was a slight pause before he continued. “I’m not the bad guy, Irene. We decided together.”

“I’m just gonna say good night to Seungwan,” Irene finally said quietly. 

“I’ll go with you.”

Seungwan shut her eyes tight and buried her face in her pillow. After hearing the whole thing she didn’t want to cuddle the Snoopy. So it was left hanging by the corner of her bed. 

“Night Seungwan,” Irene whispered in her ear.

—

Donghae appeared more often and not a sign of Jessica could be traced. It seemed he was taking his duties as Irene’s husband more seriously now. 

And Seungwan was sure that Irene knew something was up. 

Also, winter was here and the air was crisp and dry. Seungwan disliked the weather. Her lips were cracked now, and she had to use chapstick all the time. 

School finally let out for winter break unfortunately, and Seungwan didn’t want to trudge through the cold snowy environment to get to the library. 

But that also meant she was stuck in the house all day. 

Donghae was busy filming the new drama which meant that Irene had Seungwan all to herself. 

Today, Seungwan sat on the sofa with Irene, watching a game show that was supposed to be funny. 

“I was on it once,” Irene said. “My team won.”

“Nice.”

Donghae wouldn’t be back tonight and Irene for some odd reason decided that it was good idea to go eat at a small bistro for the evening. 

“I used to come here when I was younger,” Irene was saying while Seungwan perused through the menu. 

They sat across from each other and the fact that they would have to make eye contact made her feel uneasy. 

It was a little more of standard pricing here. 

“Oh my god! Are you Irene Bae?” Another customer suddenly appeared at the table side. 

Seungwan looked up in alarm and saw a girl who looked to be in college standing there in awe of Irene. 

“I am.” The actress replied coolly. 

“You’re so pretty in real life! Could I get a picture with you?”

Seungwan nervously focused on the menu, her hands tight on the laminated book as they posed for a selfie. 

“Is that your daughter?”

“No.”

Seungwan didn’t even feel hurt at all. It was true. She wasn’t Irene’s child and she was so glad. Otherwise, Hani would really have something to be angry about and Seungwan had no intention of staying any longer than needed in Irene’s house. 

They talked a little more, and Seungwan felt really out of place. The waiter finally returned prompting the girl to leave so they could place their orders. 

Seungwan got a chicken sandwich with fries while Irene ordered a stew with rice. 

“Anything to drink?”

Seungwan was about to ask for water when the waiter looked to her expectantly. 

“Two waters, please,” Irene said before she could say anything. 

While they waited, the radio tuned in to Christmas music, and Seungwan distracted herself by staring at the night activity outside. 

It was alive now that the holidays were coming. 

“Seungwan?”

The younger girl glanced at Irene. 

“After the New Year, I won’t be around a lot. So...I wanted to ask you if we could start over?”

“Start over?” Seungwan echoed. 

“Maybe I could show you that I’m not what I make myself to be.”

“Oh...ok.” Seungwan felt a little hesitant but it wasn’t like she would say no. 

Irene gave a small smile. “Thanks, Seungwan.”

Dinner wasn’t as uncomfortable as before and Irene didn’t try to make any conversation, which was actually ok. 

They returned home, and Seungwan thanked her for the meal before going to wash up. 

She didn’t really think about anything. If Irene wanted to try again, then that was fine. There wasn’t a guarantee that their relationship would get any better, and she wasn’t betting on it either. 

When she finished showering, she heard the sound of the television from downstairs and wondered if Irene was watching the drama from the past the station kept rerunning. 

The older woman lay on the couch deeply asleep. Even on break, she must be tired from all her work. 

27 wasn’t old. But it wasn’t extremely young either. 

Seungwan crept down the stairs to turn off the TV. She glanced at the actress wondering if it was a good idea to wake her. 

The girl went back up to get a spare blanket from her room and tossed it over Irene. It was warm right now but it would be cold later and the last thing she wanted was Irene to become sick. 

The older woman did not stir. Instead she curled up with the blanket and muttered incoherent words. Now Seungwan finally had a good look at her foster mom, and she knew why everyone wanted her—dramas and dating. 

Irene was beautiful. 

But her personality sucked. 

The next morning she woke up early to check on Irene, but the woman was nowhere to be seen. 

Her foster parents’ door was open and she snuck over slowly for a peek. It was 5am. They would still be asleep. 

Seungwan tiptoed over adjacent to the entrance and peeked in. 

Irene was asleep and Donghae had an arm over her from behind. 

How could they live like this? Married for business. Seungwan didn’t think she could ever do that, even if it was for money. 

She wouldn’t want someone she disliked to sleep with her either. 

She headed back to her room and flopped back on bed. The Snoopy from Donghae now sat on her bookshelf. Seungwan didn’t want to touch it because she was a little disgusted that he was married to Irene while having an affair with Jessica, and while having sex with both of them. 

It seemed that Irene was very aware though. Seungwan remembered their fight. The older woman had said Donghae had a daughter and it wasn’t Seungwan. Her mind wandered back to the fight with Hani. 

It must be Hani who is Donghae’s biological daughter. 

What an awful man. 

He had a daughter with another actress, but married Irene because of money. 

And because she was the prettiest in the celebrity world. 

Seungwan yawned and buried her face in the pillow. This was a messy situation, and she wondered why the adults had to make their life so complicated. 

Oh right. Money. 

Just like when she jumped all over town for foster homes. All her foster parents just wanted the money for “taking care” of her. 

In that case, there was no one to feel sorry for. 

Maybe Hani.

Today Seungwan went out with Donghae. Irene had to go for a photo shoot. She was going to be on the front cover of Elle as Korea’s top actress and model. Donghae looked so proud. 

Seungwan honestly didn’t care. 

“Hey, kid, so Irene and I usually get each other gifts for Christmas. Think you could help me out a little?”

“I’ll try.” She didn’t know a lot about Irene. Surely he knew that she was the wrong person to ask for help. 

They went from shop to shop in the mall, which was jam packed with people who jostled Seungwan, since she was small. Somehow she did not get lost and kept up with the tall man. 

“I want to get her something nice. Something she can always use and remember me.” 

Seungwan looked up at him. Did he like Irene? Or was he just buying her favor through expensive gifts? She glanced at the jewelry store they passed where expensive shining gems and chain laces sat behind glass encasements. 

“I suppose she could wear this when she goes on the red carpet,” Seungwan pointed out a shining silver necklace. “It’ll look good with a black dress.”

“I like the way you think, kid.”

So he bought it and Donghae treated her to some late lunch snack at one of the vendors. 

“Thanks for everything, kid,” he said. “You’re really something. I’m glad you’re here.”

Seungwan shrugged indifferently. At least this couple treated her better than the other homes. “Thanks for the food.”

Then Donghae suddenly remembered he needed to get something else and she followed him to a watch store. 

“Irene likes these,” he said. 

I thought the necklace was for Irene, she thought. “They’re nice,” she said. 

“Which one do you think will be best?” He prompted. “Doesn’t matter the cost either.”

Seungwan glanced at him briefly and then looked at each time sitting under the glass.

“I think this one.” A timepiece with an intricate design on its surface and rose gold plated rim caught her eye. It was straddled between black leather straps that looked like it was comfortable to wear. 

“You have good taste. I’m surprised. It’s a good choice.” And he waved down the cashier to help them buy it. 

Surprised because I’m just a poor kid? Seungwan wondered if one of the items was meant for Jessica. 

Upon their arrival, Irene was already back. She was working out in their gym, and Seungwan had the unfortunate pleasure to see Donghae ogle her toned body and flat stomach. 

“Thanks for the help, kid.” He pat her head before going to greet his wife. 

Seungwan watched for a little, a bit amazed with their installment of the gym at home. 

Donghae called Irene’s attention and he placed his hand around her slim waist. He kissed her cheek, though Irene did not return the gesture. 

The older woman broke away from him to get her towel and drink from a water bottle. Donghae’s mouth was moving and his lips drawn in a smile. Seungwan didn’t know what they were saying but she decided it was best she didn’t know anyway. 

Irene’s eyes drifted towards Seungwan. They briefly made eye contact, but Seungwan turned away quickly. She didn’t mean to be caught staring, and she quickly headed back to her room. 

Seungwan was slim, and among other girls in her class, she was stronger than most. 

Perhaps being in a house with superficial models was getting in her head. 

Now she was worried about her own body image. 

But when she lifted up her shirt in the mirror, she was pleased to find that she still had pretty toned abs. All thanks to those PE classes she had to take over the years. 

Now that that was confirmed, she picked up a book she borrowed from the library and began to read to kill some time. 

“Hey, so since you’re a senior...you’re applying to college right?” Donghae asked at dinner. 

“Um...no.”

“What? But aren’t you interested?”

Seungwan shrugged. She didn’t plan on going to college. For a while, she had decided that 17 or 18 years was when she would just be done with everything. 

It felt like she lived long enough already. 

After this, there would be no one.

Her parents had left no whereabouts of who they were. According to the shelter, Seungwan had been left by the roadside during a stormy night. A resident heard her cries from outside and brought her to the shelter.

No one knew who could possibly be her parents. 

She was a malnourished baby so she spent a lot of her early days in the hospital to be taken care of. 

Then, when she was stable enough, the shelter began putting her up for adoption and foster care. 

For some reason people did not want to adopt her. Only the fosters reached out first because they wanted money. 

Also, there were tons of other cute kids to choose from who were more quick to put on a show of cuteness to increase their chances of a home. 

Seungwan was quiet and appeared dead to the world most of the time. 

“If she’s not interested, it’s ok. I didn’t go to college either,” Irene said. 

“Yeah But you were already in show biz.”

Seungwan chomped on her food so she wouldn’t have to talk. 

College didn’t seem so appealing to her. There were movies and lots of people who glorified it. Yes, having a degree meant opening many doors to careers, but Seungwan didn’t want to enslave herself to society. 

She just wanted to be free, and find something. But she didn’t know what the something was. 

Just...something. 

When Seungwan was preparing for bed, Irene appeared at her doorway. “Hey.”

The younger girl turned to her questioningly. 

“Just wanted to say good night,” Irene said. 

“Good night.”

But Irene didn’t move from where she was leaning against the doorway. 

“You don’t sleep with the Snoopy?” Irene asked and glanced at where the plus sat on the bookshelf. 

“He likes books more,” Seungwan replied. 

Irene chuckled. “That’s cute.”

For once, she seemed slightly amused. Seungwan stared at her Snoopy, which was flopped over on the open space on the bookshelf. 

She could tell Irene the real reason. Donghae was nice, but he was dicking around and it was gross. 

Sorry Snoopy. She didn’t want to wonder where his hands had been before the Snoopy. 

When she turned back, Irene was standing beside her. “Good night Seungwan,” she murmured. 

—

The day before Christmas, Irene and Donghae’s celebrity friends wanted to throw a Christmas party at their house. 

And they also wanted to meet their kid. 

Seungwan felt extremely uncomfortable among the adults who were all holding drinks while socializing among each other. 

Donghae was deep in conversation with his bros, and Irene was talking with her friends. Everyone brought food so no one had to prepare a huge meal. 

She had met everyone at the start of the party. They all seemed nice, but no one really talked with her. Probably because they were all adults and didn’t have anything to talk about with an adolescent. 

She just wanted to hide in her room. 

Seungwan held onto a cup of soda while hiding behind Irene the whole time like the antisocial teen she is. 

Also Jessica was here. And now they were going to play white elephant. 

“Should we let the kid play with us?” Donghae’s best bro Eunhyuk asked. 

“Why not?” Leeteuk said. 

“She’s not even close to 18,” Irene’s friend, Tiffany, protested. “Who knows what you guys packed in there?”

“That’s where all the fun is! She’ll be exposed to it later so why not now?”

Seungwan gulped. It sounded inappropriate. 

“Actually, Seungwan could you help me?” Jessica piped up. “I brought more snacks and drinks but I need help.”

“Jess, I could,” Donghae started but the woman shook her head. 

“It might do her some good to get fresh air.”

Seungwan didn’t even wait to ask permission. She just wanted to get out of here. 

Seungwan followed Jessica out to the car. It was much more quiet out here than the house where all the adults were laughing heartily. 

“How are you?” Jessica asked. 

“I’m fine. And yourself?” 

“I’m fine too.” Jessica unlocked her car and then pressed a button on the command pad for the trunk. “Donghae told me about what happened. Hani is sorry, and I as well.”

Seungwan helped pick out a pack of sparkling waters and then a bag of goodies. Donghae told her about the attempted suicide? Strange. Maybe it was just something for him to share with everyone, she mused. For gossip and what not. 

“It’s not her fault.”

“If my daughter did that, I’d be horrified.” Jessica was referring to Seungwan’s attempted suicide. 

“Look, Hani has had a hard time dealing with the fact that her father chose Irene over us. She hates him...because he chose money over family. I’m sorry she took it out on you.”

Jessica stared at her intently. Seungwan wasn’t sure if she was being earnest or not. 

“Donghae still gets you gifts and takes the time to see you secretly,” Seungwan said. “Does it mean anything?”

“I...I don’t know anymore. He just said this was something he had to do.”

Seungwan sighed. She really didn’t want them to make her get swallowed up in their problems. 

“It is just business. Isn’t it?” Seungwan said tentatively. “They don’t love each other.” She sounded uncertain about her own words though. It didn’t sound reassuring at all. 

“Irene seems to like you,” Jessica tried to change the subject. 

“Are you going to let him make you wait?”

“Huh?”

Seungwan suddenly realized she said her thoughts aloud. “I’m sorry...I think...I just don’t know.”

Jessica looked apologetic. “You’re still a kid. You shouldn’t have to deal with our issues.”

The white elephant game was a mess when they returned. Also people were drunk. 

“Kid! Come here!” Eunhyuk called. “Know what this is?” He held out a giant dildo. 

“Um...”

“Hey man, cut it out!” Donghae said sharply. 

“You could use this on Irene, she’ll love it!”

Seungwan was shocked at how easily they could suggest such sexual matters. She cast a nervous glance at Irene who remained unaffected by the lewd comment. 

“We should finish up here,” Irene declared. “It’s almost midnight.”

“Awww I forgot she’s just a squirt,” Leeteuk said. “Gotta go beddy bye bye!” He was obviously drunk.

“Let’s play one more round,” Donghae suggested. “There’s still a few unopened ones.”

The others agreed against Irene’s wishes. 

Seungwan sat at the table watching them play and act like boisterous children. Imagine if all the fans knew this was how they acted...

Irene did not play though, she notice. She just sat there with Tiffany. 

Seungwan began to feel a bit drowsy and she lay her head in her arms. It would be ok to shut her eyes for a little...She yawned. The sounds of their laughing became drowned out briefly.

Someone gently shook her shoulder.

She groaned sleepily and buried her face in her arms. Seungwan had never felt this tired before. 

“Seungwan,” Irene called her softly. “They’re gone. Wake up so you can go to bed.”

“Ok.” Seungwan managed to open her eyes, which were still heavy with sleep. She staggered to her feet but almost fell because she had fallen asleep again. 

This time she was awake, and realized that Irene was hugging her close. 

“Careful,” Irene steadied her. 

Seungwan quickly peeled herself away. Everyone was gone and a lot of trash littered the floor. “D-do you need help?” She asked. 

“Donghae said he would clean it.”

Seungwan followed upstairs and flopped down onto the bed. She felt like she wanted to shower but she was so sleepy. 

“Sweet dreams,” Irene murmured while tucking her in.

—

Seungwan awoke late today, but she felt well rested than ever. She quickly brushed her teeth and took a hot shower since she was too tired to do it last night. 

It was almost noon. Wow. She must have been super tired. 

Seungwan stepped out of her room noticing how quiet it was. By now, Irene might be making lunch in the kitchen, but there was no noise. 

Irene wasn’t even reading at the table as usual. 

Seungwan couldn’t believe she was looking for the person she could hardly give a crap about as she headed to the gym. 

Empty. 

What am I doing? She headed back up to her room to get a pair of socks. It was cold. 

Maybe she was still sleeping? 

Seungwan glanced into the bedroom, and saw Irene’s bare back facing her. 

Her eyes widened and she froze like a deer in headlights. 

Irene’s skin was purely flawless.

Did they have sex again? Didn’t Irene say 

she didn’t want Donghae to have sex with her?

I’m staring! Seungwan caught herself and back away quickly. But she tripped over her own feet and landed with a thud. 

Scared for her life that she woke Irene, Seungwan scrambled back into her room and locked herself in the bathroom. 

She caught her breath in the cool darkness, trying to erase what she had seen. 

Some people like to sleep naked, she thought to herself. It’s normal. 

Is it?

Seungwan pulled her knees up to her chest and buried her face in her arms. 

They had a Christmas dinner. The three of them. 

And then, they gathered at the sofa to exchange gifts. 

Naturally, Seungwan had nothing to give them because she had no money. So she awkwardly watched Donghae present the watch she had chosen to Irene. 

“I had a little helper,” Donghae said. “Surprisingly, she has good taste.”

Irene glanced at Seungwan and then thanked him for the gift. For Donghae, the actress had gotten him a new suit. “You keep saying you want it,” she said. 

“Thanks!” It was a pretty expensive set from an elite name brand. 

Seungwan barely paid attention. What happened to the silver necklace? 

“Hey, we got you something too, kid,” Donghae broke into her thoughts. He set down a wrapped box of something and they expectantly waited for her to tear it open. 

She did.

A new pair of sneakers. 

“Yours are getting old,” Irene said. “It might be more comfy when you walk home.”

“Thank you.” Seungwan could smell the scent of new shoes. It looked too new to wear. But she would have to use it. Plus, they were right. Her shoes were breaking apart. 

“Well, Merry Christmas!” Donghae cheered and stretched. “Ah, it’s getting late. Irene and I...have a few things to discuss so you head up first.”

Seungwan nodded and thanked them again for the gift, which she tucked under an arm while heading away. 

She washed up and brushed her teeth, all while wondering what exactly they were discussing. 

“The New Year is coming up,” Donghae said. “There won’t be time to take care of her anymore.”

“...”

“How did you feel? About having a kid with me?” He continued. 

“Donghae, you did not have a child with me. You should be asking Jessica.”

“Babe, we could try right? Maybe we could still fall in love again? Just like when we first met?”

“There is no try now. When I had the miscarriage, I suffered septic shock. They took out my uterus, remember?”

“...”

“Why are you changing your mind?” Irene demanded suddenly. 

“You are so beautiful.”

A loud slap rang out around the walls of the large house. 

“Do what you want with the girl. Just don’t touch me,” Irene growled. 

Seungwan’s heart sank a little bit. 

Irene really didn’t care at all. 

And neither did Donghae. 

—

Seungwan sighed as she stared out the window of her room. The snowstorm wouldn’t stop and the snowy wind buffered her window as if trying to break in. 

She wondered what it felt like to be frozen cold. 

It was like falling asleep, right? 

No pain. 

“Hey...kid?” It was Donghae standing at her doorway wearing an expression she disliked. 

He looked sorry.

“Hey,” she said. 

“I’m really glad we got to meet,” he began. “It’s been a few rough months hasn’t it?” He chuckled and ran his hand through his dark hair. “Thank you for being a good kid for us. It’s been fun, and thanks for keeping my secret.”

It’s not really a secret, she thought. Irene already knows you are Hani’s father. 

“Anyway, we...we’re getting busy again this coming year. There won’t be time anymore...to spend with you. We’ll be traveling a lot of the time.”

“Ok.”

“I think you have inspired me to become a real dad. Who knows? Maybe Irene and I will have a baby soon.” He sighed heavily. “So...you can’t stay here anymore.”

Seungwan remained quiet. I know. 

It’s always the same. 

“We’ll spend the new year together. And then...then we’ll take you back.”

“Ok.”

Well, at least she was still young enough to go back. Her birthday was in February so she still had plenty of time before 17.

—

Seungwan picked morosely at her dinner while Donghae talked with Irene about the plans for their couple photo shoot in the snow tomorrow. 

She chewed on a piece of meat and swallowed it. Everything felt dry in her mouth. 

“Hey, kid. Wanna go with us?” He asked. 

“Ok.”

It was actually pretty awkward. 

She sat behind the photo crew, who continuously snapped shot after shot, calling it directions and where they should stand or pose. 

Seungwan sipped on the hot tea they gave her and nearly gagged. It was so bitter. 

Donghae wore the new suit from Irene’s Christmas present. It was so new that the black seemed endless. 

Irene wore a satin red dress with silken layers and sparkles adorning it. The watch Donghae bought for her rested around her left wrist which she held up fashionably to show it off. 

Seungwan wondered how someone could look so delicate. Irene was like ceramic art, no finer than that. Seungwan didn’t know what to describe it as. 

Everyone was so in awe of Irene. 

And Donghae was particularly caught in a trance. His hand traced her milky arms, rested against the small of her back, rubbed against the open bareness between her shoulder blades...

They even took a shot of their faces close up, almost about to kiss. 

“Done! Good job everyone!” 

Two hours! 

Seungwan was already half asleep. 

“What’d ya think? Irene’s so gorgeous right?” Donghae prompted when they invited her to look over the shots. 

She simply nodded. 

Irene stood behind her and leaned close for a better look at the screen. 

Seungwan gulped as her eyes flitted to Irene’s arm leaning on the table, blocking her from moving. 

Their faces were pretty close too. 

So she stared at the screen and listened to the editors decide how to alter the photos to make the couple look even more handsomely perfect. 

Later, the couple changed into causal clothes and they headed back home. 

“This will be the front cover for the New Year.” Donghae was explaining that the shoot was for a magazine. 

“That’s nice.”

Seungwan watched the scenery pass by in white. 

Erased. 

I will be gone too. 

Her eyes strayed to the side view mirror ( she was sitting behind Irene in the car). 

Irene was watching her. 

—

Seungwan had a troubled sleep. She was in an old foster home, with an odd couple. The husband drank a lot and the woman had to come up with income. 

So they wanted to get money for being her foster family. 

They neglected to take care of her and she often went hungry.

She was only seven years old at the time. 

They often argued because of the situation. The man was lazy and the woman was stressed. 

One day, she was home alone with the man, and he went berserk in his drunken stupor. It was the day after her foster parents’ big fight. 

He hit her so hard. Again and again. 

Seungwan was small enough that she fit under the bed and the man was too drunk to look for her. He called her over and over, his steps passing by as he staggered away. 

She passed out under the bed. 

Today, Irene was home, and Donghae had to leave for a meeting. 

Seungwan didn’t feel like going down so she washed up, but stayed in bed. Soon, Irene came up to check on her. 

“Seungwan?”

She didn’t answer and shut her eyes. 

Irene sat down behind her and the bed creaked as she leaned over to check on the younger girl. 

Seungwan thought she would leave but Irene stayed. 

The older woman lay down beside her and sighed heavily. Her hand rested on Seungwan’s shoulder and gently massaged it. 

The younger girl tried not to tense or else Irene might know she was awake. She had never been this close to the actress before. But the massage wasn’t bad. 

It was actually making her sleepy. 

Also Irene smelled nice. 

—

Seungwan decided to go outside alone. 

The new year was coming up. She would be gone soon. 

“I’m going to the library,” she told Irene. 

“I was going out too. Do you want a ride?” Irene asked. 

Seungwan shook her head. 

“Try to be back before dark. I’ll be home in the evening. Donghae will be back tonight.”

“Ok.”

She hung out at the library until closing. Her record stay in fact. But Seungwan didn’t read much. She just chose something and read, while not quite paying attention. Her eyes scanned over the pages, she turned them over, read the next one—soon it was over. And see remembered nothing. 

It was already dark when she left. 

The good thing was no snow, and the roads were cleared. She caught the bus, which was empty since no one wanted to be out in the cold much. 

When she returned home, she saw Irene and Jessica standing in the driveway. 

“You whore!” Jessica spat. “Using your body to keep him with you! He was supposed to be the father of my child and you took him away!”

“Donghae decided for himself. I’m just doing what the managers want.”

Jessica scoffed. “I know you. You slept with him for money.”

“Don’t tell me what I already know!” Irene snapped. “Don’t tell me what regrets I already have!”

Donghae burst out of the house looking a mess and his expression extremely worried. “Please don’t argue!” He begged. 

“You!” Jessica rounded on him. “How long are you going to play this game? I waited so long for you and here we are now! When is this over? When are you coming back to me and Hani?”

“Jess! I told you that this was going to be temporary! We just...need to wait for the right moment.”

“And when is that?”

Donghae seemed at a loss and he looked away. “I...I can’t choose between you two.”

There was a long cold silence. 

Jessica was the first to break it, shattering like ice shards. With a shriek that could split glass, she slapped Irene’s face and clawed her angrily. 

“Sica!” Donghae cried out trying to pull her off. “Don’t hurt her!”

Now Jessica was crying. “I thought you loved me. I thought you loved us. You promised.”

Donghae was hugging her now and letting her head. Seungwan couldn’t hear what he was saying but she figured her was trying to comfort her. 

Irene was left to pick herself up and wipe the blood from her broken lip. 

Seungwan was rooted to the spot, unsure if she should leave or wait things out. 

Finally, Jessica spotted her and she wept harder. “You put her through this. You awful bastard!” She shoved Donghae away from him. 

He gasped at Seungwan while Irene didn’t even turn to look at her. 

She gulped and took a step back. 

“You’re both selfish!” Jessica howled. “Maybe I don’t want you, Donghae!”

Seungwan didn’t know what to do. 

She didn’t feel any compassion to anyone. Maybe Jessica because it looked like Donghae really fucked her over. 

Regardless, she didn’t want to be here. And she didn’t want to go back to the foster place, not like she had anywhere else to go. But anywhere was better than here and the foster center. 

She turned tail and ran. 

She didn’t stop running. 

Even when she didn’t recognize anything anymore. 

Seungwan kept going as long as her legs wouldn’t give up. 

No one cared. 

Jessica was right. 

They were selfish. 

And to think Irene asked for a second chance. 

What a fool. 

Liars and phonies. 

Seungwan didn’t know why she cried. Soon the tears stung her cheeks as a malevolent chilled wind brushed past. Snow fell heavily, and she was hopelessly lost. 

She finally stopped running. The snow was thickening under her feet impairing her movement. 

This was a fashion district. Lights flared in the flurry and people were rushing to get away from the storm. 

“Hey!” 

She saw Seulgi standing not too far away with her mom. 

Seungwan stared at her. 

“You ok? It’s storming soon. You should leave now,” Seulgi told her. Her previous hostility was gone now. “Need a lift?”

“I’ll...call my mom,” Seungwan replied in a shock. “You should get home first.”

“Alright.” Seulgi seemed uncertain for a little. “See you at school.”

They finally left in the taxi, leaving Seungwan alone to brave the storm. 

She pretended to call someone and as soon as the car was gone from sight, she stopped the show. 

It really was cold now. 

The girl crossed the street where a large truck was rolling over the icy ground. 

She found a building with a staircase sheltered away from the storm. 

It was still cold but at least the snow wouldn’t reach her. 

She pulled her knees up to her chest and covered her head with her hood. 

Right now seemed ok. 

The howling wind was louder than her thoughts. 

That was ok. She didn’t want to think anyway. 

As long as she was away from them, it was just fine. 

Soon, drowsiness took over and the loud storm didn’t bother her anymore. It became more like white noise...the sizzling of the radio when connection was lost. 

She curled up on the floor finding that it was a little less cold this way. A warm feeling came over as she tried to blink the fuzzy darkness away. 

Sleep sounded good right now.

Seungwan sat outside with a bag full of birdseed. An assortment of avian animals crowded around her excitedly devouring the food. 

She felt someone press close beside her and touch her shoulder. 

“Look,” Irene murmured and pointed at the clear blue sky where a flock of geese passed over them.

—

Irene held Seungwan’s hand tightly. The girl was dead to the world. Only the machines were keeping her alive now. 

Why did this feel like her fault?

I should have...what could she have done?

So many things. 

I could have been nicer. 

I could have been a better person. 

I could have...loved you.

She leaned close to the comatose girl. There were so many wires, tubes, and machines around them. 

Seungwan was so small. 

Irene leaned over and kissed her cheek. “I hope you’re dreaming of nice things,” she whispered. “Maybe it’s brighter wherever you are.”

You don’t have to come back if you don’t want to...

Irene couldn’t bring herself to say it aloud.


	3. Chapter 3

The last part in italics is a conversation that Seungwan did not hear. It's just like a sneak peek of the next chapter.

Thanks for your support! :)

—

Where...am I?

Seungwan stood in flooding darkness that pressed around her. She heard voices echoing from the outside. Someone calling her?

It was hard to tell. 

She didn’t feel so good either.

The girl sank down on the cold floor. 

A loud rumbling shook the ground, and tires screeched against the ice laden floor. The snowstorm drowned out the seconds before the truck attempted to avoid her. 

Bright white flooded her vision, and then, the most eerie peacefulness swallowed her completely. 

Bleep...Bleep...Bleep...A rhythmic electric ticking pulled her away from her dormant state. 

Gradually, the noises became less filtered. The fuzziness in her ears became soft hums and whirs of what seemed to be machinery.

She cracked her eyelids open momentarily. It was dark in the room save for the light sneaking from somewhere else. 

Seungwan shut her eyes again. 

She was so tired. 

The next time she woke up, the room was dark and the floor quiet. She heard someone shift at her bedside, and she blinked her eyes open.

Where am I? She wanted to say, but her mouth and throat were occupied with a tubular something.

As Seungwan became more aware of her surroundings, she realized a lot of wires were attached to her everywhere, her body, her hand, her arm, her chest...

She was still groggy though—the effects of the drugs and painkillers. 

“Seungwan!” the person at her bedside breathed. A hand gently cupped the girl’s cheek. “You’re finally awake. I was so worried.”

Who are you? Seungwan didn’t have the energy to even look at the stranger. 

—

“What’s your name?”

“...”

“Do you know what year it is?”

“...”

“Do you remember what happened?”

The questions kept coming at her like bullets, but her memory held nothing. 

“W-hat happened?” She croaked. Her throat felt like shit and her voice sounded even more like shit. 

In fact her whole body felt awful. Outside and inside. 

“You went through quite an ordeal, I’d say,” the doctor replied with a smile that was supposed to be reassuring. He finished typing in notes to be stored in her medical record. 

Seungwan frowned and looked around at the surrounding machinery she had once been attached to. Something really bad must have happened if she needed all this equipment to be alive now. 

The nurses tended to her, trying to make her comfortable now that she was awake. Seungwan felt particularly weird. Stiff? Moving her fingers took extra effort—like a baby learning to use fine motor skills.

Clumsy. 

She heard the doctor talking to somebody in the hallway, almost out of earshot. 

“Don’t be alarmed if she does not remember you,” the doctor said. “It’s still early yet since she’s just woken up. She’s showing signs of amnesia.”

They talked a little more in hushed tones, and she gave up trying to listen. 

A woman stood at the doorway, seeming to be concerned and uncertain as the nurse made sure everything was in order. 

She didn’t look at all comfortable here in her dark jeans, winter white button up, and expensive looking heeled boots. 

She greeted the nurses and waited politely as they finished up. 

The pretty woman smiled at Seungwan and slowly moved to sit at the single chair by her bedside. 

“I’m so glad you’re alright,” she murmured. 

Seungwan stared at her in wonder. “Do I know you?” She asked. 

“Y-you don’t remember me?” The other woman seemed shocked, and her voice gave away slight distress. 

The girl looked away, trying to rack her brains for any recollection of anything. 

But she really remembered nothing. She didn’t know anything about herself.

“It’s...ok,” the woman regained her composure. “We met...a long time ago.” She gave a small smile. “My name is Joohyun.”

“Joohyun?” Seungwan echoed as the unfamiliar woman held onto her hand. She glanced down at their joined hands and then at Joohyun, whose eyes were shadowed with sadness. 

The woman took in a breath, preparing to speak, but the presence of a tall man interrupted her. 

“There you are,” he said and then cast a furtive glance at Seungwan. “Hey kid. I’m...I’m really glad you’re alright.”

Seungwan did not reply. She was still trying to process the past few minutes. 

“We need to talk,” he said to Joohyun. 

She felt the other woman release her hand. “I’ll be right back, Seungwan.” And then she went to join the man, who led her elsewhere. 

Seungwan heard a nurse warn them to talk in the lobby so they would not disturb the patients. 

—

The first days were difficult. She was practically useless due to the coma. Her fingers were clumsy and her brain was slow. 

She had even already forgotten about the pretty woman. 

According to the doctor, she had some extreme form of amnesia that rendered her an empty shell. She probably wouldn’t remember a lot of things from the past, and her ability to retain memory wouldn’t be too good for some time. He did promise she might eventually recover some of her memory...or none at all. She couldn’t even recognize herself. 

“W-who are you...again?” Seungwan asked. 

“Joohyun.”

She nodded and tried to commit that to memory though it failed again the next day. Seungwan couldn’t even remember her face. 

But the woman named Joohyun remained calm, answering it as if it were the first time. 

The days passed while she recovered. Apparently, they had opened holes wherever to implant tubes from machines that kept her alive while she was conked out. No wonder she felt like shit for the early days of her awakening.

She felt better now. And her throat and voice were almost back to what should sound like a normal person. 

The only problem was that she had forgotten how to be human. A lot of things like eating, walking, coordination, to name a few felt, so foreign. 

She felt like she should know how to do it, but she couldn’t. And it was a bit frustrating. 

The nurses would help her and she would attempt it herself as well. A simple task was very difficult. Often, she would spill the contents over, which made her feel annoyed a lot of the time. 

Also, Joohyun kept coming to see her. At first, Seungwan had already forgotten about her, though she managed to remember a little after a small reintroduction. Pretty soon, she was able to keep Joohyun a steady memory for now. 

Anyway, sometimes the pretty woman would help feed her if she happened to come by during mealtime. 

It was a strange feeling. 

Seungwan opened her mouth when Joohyun held up the spoonful of pudding for her. The only tasteful thing here.

A little bit of the mushy snack spilled out the corner of her lips, and Joohyun used a napkin to wipe it off. 

She felt like a baby.

In the late afternoon, she was scheduled for physical therapy to get her body back in action again. Amazing how a coma could make her immobile like this. 

But as days went by, and she worked hard to regain her movement, it became easier. 

Very rarely, the woman named Joohyun would be there to watch briefly before having to leave again. 

She seemed like a busy woman. 

She always dressed nice and smelled good. 

—

It looked like she had been in a coma for a considerable amount of time. According to the doctor, a month had gone by while she was dead to the world. 

Brain injury, broken bones everywhere...a lot had happened. 

But now she was ok, a miracle in fact. 

Joohyun looked really happy to see Seungwan on her feet and ready to go home. 

So now she sat in the passenger seat in Irene’s car while staring out at the sparse snow covering the streets. 

They arrived at an exquisite apartment complex that reached several stories high. It looked like some sort of fancy hotel with the walls painted like new and a sign that probably cost a considerable amount of money. 

The lobby was well lit and decorated with nice furnishing. 

Seungwan followed Irene into the elevator and watched her press the button for the seventh floor. It was quiet between them the whole time, but she didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. 

Joohyun seemed like a nice person. After all, she was the only person that came to see her at the hospital. 

Is she my mom?

But she doesn’t make me call her mom. And she said that we met a while ago...

The sound of the elevators sliding open interrupted her thoughts and Joohyun led her down the carpeted hallways to her apartment. 143. 

In contrast to the grand presentation of the entire complex, the inside was more simple. 

There were two bedrooms, a main room, and then the kitchen. A balcony was also situated outside the sliding doors, which were hiding behind pulled curtains. 

Joohyun pulled it aside to let the daylight flood in. Seungwan stared in awe at the grand view from this vantage point. 

“Do you like it?” Joohyun stood beside her. 

“You can see a lot from here.”

The older woman chuckled softly and carefully wrapped an arm around her. “Welcome home, Seungwan.”

The rest of the day passed with a home tour made special by Joohyun. Seungwan had her own room, which was already prepared with things that were hers (according to Joohyun). She didn’t have much though. 

Joohyun’s room was next door, and definitely looked like someone was using it. A dresser complete with accessories and perfumes sat against a wall, and the desk was filled with papers. 

In the main room was a comfortable couch, and a dining table. A large HD screen TV was suspended against a wall facing the couch. Underneath the screen was a small shelf with books and a couple decorations. 

Seungwan caught sight of a magazine on the table. It looked like Joohyun was on the front cover with another man, who held her close. “Is that you?” She asked. 

Joohyun seemed alarmed. She quickly snatched it up and rolled it so that the image wouldn’t be shown. “Yes, but it wasn’t anything special.”

“Oh ok.” Seungwan wondered why she was so quick to conceal the photo. “Are you a model?”

“...sure.”

“That’s nice.”

Joohyun smiled and appeared to calm down a little. “I’ll make you something special tonight. Is there anything that you like?”

Seungwan rubbed the back of her neck. She didn’t really remember if she had a favorite anything. “Not particularly,” she replied. “I don’t mind.” 

“Go wash up. Dinner will be ready when you’re done.”

“It’s not too salty is it?” Joohyun fretted as Seungwan took a sip of seaweed soup. 

“It’s delicious!” She exclaimed. After all that bland hospital food, this was like heaven, and she had never tasted anything so good.

Well, not like she could recall anyway. 

Joohyun was pleased and watched her eat the whole time. 

“You’re going to eat too right?” Seungwan asked, suddenly feeling guilty that she inhaled the bowl so quickly. 

“Yeah.” The older woman began to eat like the sophisticated proper lady she is. 

She really is pretty, Seungwan thought to herself before digging in to the rest of her dinner. 

That night, Joohyun sat with her a little bit. “If you need something don’t be afraid to wake me,” she said and pulled the sheets over Seungwan. 

“Ok.”

Joohyun smiled and leaned closer, but then stopped abruptly. Instead, she cupped Seungwan’s cheek and used a thumb to rub it lightly. “Sweet dreams,” she murmured. 

But Seungwan’s sleep was plagued with awful nightmares. They seemed so familiar—like bad memories haunting her. She was in a home where a man beat her up, pain taking over her so that it felt real. Many others followed, and she had never experienced so much fear—at least not that she could recall. 

Her heart pounded and she shut her eyes in the nightmare, willing herself to wake up. 

When she did, it was almost sunrise.

And she felt exhausted. 

Seungwan sat up, her forehead coated in a layer of cold sweat. 

She couldn’t recall the dream at all. Only that it was horrible.

Maybe it’s just a nightmare, she mused. Nothing important. 

She flopped back down and shut her eyes again, hoping to have a dreamless sleep. 

Thank god it’s the weekend, she thought. 

“I’m sorry, but I won’t take it,” Joohyun said. “I have other priorities right now...yes, I’ll just take the photo shoot and the guest appearance. Give the lead role to Jessica Jung...”

Seungwan felt worse now. It was already late morning, and her head pounded slightly. Maybe from the lack of good sleep. 

“I know,” she continued to speak to the other unseen person on the phone. “But this is my business and I plan to keep it this way.”

Seungwan heaved a sigh and began to pick out her clothes before freshening up for the morning. There was only one bathroom included in the unit, which was located in the main room. 

She tiptoed out, undetected since Joohyun’s back faced her at the table. 

There seemed to be a serious conversation between her and the other side. Joohyun sounded slightly bothered. “If Donghae has something to say, he should talk to me. Not you...even if you’re my manager.”

Seungwan shut the door, the barrier disrupting any trail of the argument. 

Who is Donghae? She squeezed out a glob of toothpaste onto the bristles of her toothbrush. A colleague?

The girl tried to remember something, but as always, she remembered nothing. 

Nothing about Joohyun. 

Nothing about herself. 

—

This morning, Joohyun drove Seungwan to school. Unfortunately, since she had no recollection of her schedule, teachers, and peers, the principal assigned someone to help her out. 

“This is Kang Seulgi,” Principal Seo introduced them. 

“Hey,” Seulgi said naturally with a smile on her face. 

The first day back was a frenzy. People stared at her and asked her if she was ok. People also asked about Irene and Donghae, who she did not know. So she would shrug and apologize for the lack of information. 

Am I supposed to know this?

“Let's go to the library,” Seulgi decided. “It might be more quiet there.”

“Ok.” She was grateful that someone understood her. 

The clock tortured Seungwan. She was in her final class period, and the teacher was letting them watch a movie for the time being. 

It was some werewolf boy movie, with the stereotypical annoying rich guy trying to sabotage the country folks’ lives. 

She glanced at Seulgi who was extremely absorbed in the movie. 

Luckily, the bell rang right before things got too emotional, and Seungwan followed Seulgi out to the front. 

“Thanks,” she said. “For helping me.”

“No worries. I’ll meet you here tomorrow morning.” The other girl waved goodbye and crossed the street with another crowd of students. 

While Seungwan waited for Irene to pick her up, a shadow loomed over her from behind. Alarmed, she whirled around to find a taller girl glowering at her. 

“Um...hello,” Seungwan said. 

The girl smirked. “You really don’t remember. Huh.”

“...” Seungwan frowned a little. “What are you talking about?”

“Never mind. I’m Hani.” The tall girl stuck her hand out for Seungwan go shake. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Seungwan stared at her outstretched hand and slowly reached for it. Their hands connected shortly. 

A car beeped from the street. 

“That’s my mom!” Hani said. “See ya!”

She left Seungwan feeling conflicted about their short introduction.

Joohyun finally arrived after everyone was gone. “I’m sorry to make you wait. The photo shoot took longer than expected.”

“It’s ok.” Seungwan climbed in feeling a bit relaxed now that Joohyun was here. 

“How was it? Your first day back?” They began to head down the road.

“Seulgi helped me a lot,” Seungwan replied. “We watched a movie.”

“Which one?”

“Werewolf boy.”

“Ah. That one.”

“How was your photo shoot?”

Joohyun pushed the lever for the left blinker at the stoplight. “It was long, but I did it.”

—

Seungwan, unfortunately, was completely behind in classes. There was a lot of catching up to do since she spent a long time half dead to the world and recovering. 

Luckily, it looked like Seulgi was going to help her. And the teachers were sympathetic so they did not hold her grades accountable for the lost work. 

They met at lunch to go over notes, and Seungwan did her best to remember all the steps and concepts. It took a while, but she managed to keep up with everyone else. 

Aside from school, she was learning bits and pieces about Joohyun. 

Apparently, she was an in demand model, who dabbled in acting, and also endorsed various commercial products. Those were the things the woman told Seungwan anyway. 

Joohyun didn’t show her anything, claiming that she disliked keeping tabs on her photo shoots. Once they were over, they were over. And plus, it was a bit narcissistic to keep photos of herself when she would see them in public anyway. 

That was it. Joohyun didn’t seem to like to talk much about her work or herself unless it was just basic information. 

Often, Joohyun would simply ask after Seungwan’s well being. Sometimes, if it were relevant, the older woman would speak fondly of childhood memories. And then would promise to take Seungwan to a significant place some day. 

Regardless, Joohyun was kind and fussed over her a lot. She must really care about me, Seungwan mused. Whatever happened before, she figured they must have been close. After all, Joohyun was the only one who had been at her side since she woke up from the coma. 

“Seungwan, tomorrow morning I’ll be leaving early for a meeting,” Joohyun had said at dinner. “I’ll be back in the afternoon.”

“Where are you going?” She asked while the older woman served more meat. 

“I won’t be far. I just need to discuss my contract.”

“Ok.”

“I’ll leave you some breakfast before I go.”

Seungwan chewed on the chicken but noticed that Joohyun picked half heartedly at the food. She wanted to ask if something was the matter, but the latter seemed distracted. Adult stuff? Work matters? “Are you worried about the meeting?” she asked. 

Joohyun glanced at her and prepared her chopsticks to pick up a dumpling. “Don’t worry, Seungwan. I will be fine.”

Seungwan went to bed first. Joohyun insisted to do the dishes and claimed that she had some work to attend to. But she still came in to wish the teen a good night. 

“I may not see you tomorrow until I come back.”

“I’ll be here,” Seungwan replied. 

“Yes, you’re right. Good night.”

“Night.”

Seungwan stayed up wondering if ‘work’ also involved a phone call like last time. Since Joohyun was widely renowned, it made sense that people were calling her. If that were the case. 

But she fell asleep while listening to Joohyun wash the dishes.

The air pressed around her as she slid under a bed moments before loud stomps entered the room. 

“Little girl! Come out!” A drunk man called out. 

Her face hurt from being hit, and she trembled as his shoes passed by. The man was too drunk to even check under the bed. And he walked away to get even more wasted. 

Suddenly, she was in school, huddled on the floor as someone punched her mercilessly. The voice sounded so familiar, but she couldn’t even look up because the painful blows were endless. 

Then, she was alone in a dark street, cold white flecks stinging her cheeks as she squinted through the flurry. There was nothing out here. 

Something inside her opened up, a black hole of emptiness. She gasped at the pain that held her chest hostage.

Loneliness?

A fuzzy light sparked in the distance, just a flicker of hope. 

But suddenly, the darkness crashed into her and she was left floating into nothingness. 

Her eyes snapped open and she was back in her room. 

These dreams again...

When she closed her eyes, the nightmare rushed into her mind again. 

Seungwan turned on her side and tried to sleep, but to no avail. She touched her face, checking everything over to be sure it was just a dream. 

These nightmares persisted when she least expected it. 

Seungwan sighed heavily and stared at the clock. 3AM. 

Joohyun was probably asleep now. But she did say that Seungwan could wake her if she needed something. 

And the girl did need something. Sleep. She wouldn’t be getting it right now, especially since her mind still buzzed with the scenes from her dreams. 

Seungwan quietly slipped out of her bed and stepped carefully into Joohyun’s room. 

The woman lay curled up on her side, back facing the girl and deeply asleep. 

Maybe this was a bad idea, Seungwan thought as she stared at the sleeping figure. Joohyun had to leave early tomorrow, and she was about to disrupt her sleep cycle. 

But she was afraid to relive the nightmare again. So the younger girl slipped into the sheets and pressed against her back. Cautiously, Seungwan touched Joohyun’s arm and called her name softly. 

The woman stirred and groaned, but didn’t wake up. 

Joohyun must be tired...Seungwan decided not to press her luck. She immediately fell into an empty sleep comforted in the older woman’s warmth. 

—

Seungwan awoke to the sound of shuffling around the room. A drawer opening, and little clicking noises as fingers sifted through accessories, and the the soft hiss of a perfume spray. 

She opened her eyes, and found she was in an unfamiliar place. It took a few moments before she finally realized where she was and what she had done. 

“Good morning, Seungwan,” Joohyun stood over her looking fresh and awake. “Sleep well?”

She nodded, still half asleep.

“I woke up to quite a surprise,” the older woman sat beside her. “Was it comfortable?”

Seungwan hummed and nodded. She just wanted to sleep. 

“See you soon,” Joohyun murmured and squeezed Seungwan’s hand briefly before leaving. 

Seungwan spent the morning completing her homework, and scanning over the assigned readings. She was so glad for Seulgi’s notes can which she had copied before the weekend. It was much easier to understand than the teacher’s endless babbles. 

She was in the middle of solving a multi step problem when Joohyun finally returned. 

Even though she greeted Seungwan with a smile, the younger girl could tell she wasn’t very happy. She didn’t know what to say. It didn’t seem like there was anything that could be said. 

In the evening, Joohyun took her to a trail in one of the parks. “I used to come here a lot when I was younger.”

Seungwan scanned over the view below that stretched for miles into the distant mountains. It was still cold but the heavy snow lessened with time. 

Spring would be here soon. 

“Let’s sit here.” Joohyun pointed to a bench overlooking the view. 

They sat together for a few moments in a silence. The wind brushed against their cheeks and Seungwan cast a brief glance at the older woman. 

She seemed distant and sad all of a sudden. 

“Seungwan, why did you come to my bed last night?” Joohyun asked after a while. 

She had almost forgotten about that. The girl’s heart pounded as she tried to find a way to answer that wouldn’t sound silly. 

Just because I had a nightmare...

“I couldn’t sleep well,” Seungwan replied. 

“Is it not comfortable?”

“No. It’s not that. I...I’ve been having bad...nightmares...”

“Nightmares?”

“Yeah. But...I can’t remember them when I wake up. It’s just when it happens, I only know that it felt real—like they happened to me...” Seungwan trailed off knowing how stupid she sounded. Of course nightmares felt real. And of course it felt that they happened. It was nightmare! 

“Did they come back when you slept with me?” 

“No.”

Joohyun placed her hand over Seungwan’s. “You can sleep with me whenever you want, Seungwan.”

“T-thanks.”

The older woman leaned back and sighed heavily. “I just want things to stay like this,” she murmured to no one in particular. 

Seungwan didn’t question it. When she looked at Joohyun again, something in the back of her mind told her that this woman looked oddly familiar. 

That she knew her at one point in time before this. 

But where? When?

She frowned and stared at her feet hanging off the floor. Where have I seen her before?

Joohyun did say they had met a long time ago. Maybe that’s why she was familiar. 

Yeah. That had to be it. 

“D-do you know anything about me before the coma?” Seungwan blurted out. 

“You were hit by a speeding truck,” Joohyun replied calmly. 

“But before that...”

Joohyun smiled. “You were very quiet and distant.”

“What about family?”

“You lived with me. Just the two of us.”

“So...you’re my mom?”

“No no!” Joohyun chuckled. “I’m just your guardian temporarily. We’re not biological family.”

“Oh...ok.”

“How did we meet?” Seungwan asked. “Sorry for all the questions,” she added quickly. 

The older woman squeezed her hand. “It’s ok, Seungwan. You’re still recovering from the trauma.”

But she never answered the question. 

“In two weeks, I have to leave for Singapore,” Joohyun said. “So, I asked my friend to take care of you for me.”

“What are you doing?”

“The usual. Press, photo shoots...”

The light was already dying from the sky and the lamppost flickered to life. 

That night, Seungwan curled up in the sheets with Joohyun. It was a bit awkward at first because they were both awake, and Seungwan felt silly that she needed to be with an adult because of some stupid nightmares. 

“M-maybe I’ll be ok tonight,” Seungwan said. “They come and go.”

She started to sit up but Joohyun pulled her back. “Just stay here.”

Seungwan was glad the light was off. Otherwise the other woman would see her blushing. She tried to relax, but was very aware that their bodies were touching. 

“I don’t want to leave you alone,” Joohyun murmured. “Just stay with me.”

“We still have two weeks together,” Seungwan thought she was talking about having to travel. 

“Yes. You’re right. Don’t listen to me, I’m just tired.” Joohyun lightly touched Seungwan’s cheek with her fingers. “Sleep well.”

—

Seungwan stood in front of a cozy home with backpack and a small luggage in hand. Today was Joohyun's flight to Singapore.

Now, they were standing on the porch with Taeyeon, Joohyun's friend and mentor. "Hey there!" the woman beamed at them.

"Seungwan this is Taeyeon," Joohyun introduced them.

"Ah, I've heard lots about you," Taeyeon said.

"Nice to meet you," Seungwan greeted her formally.

The adults chatted a little, mostly about work and maybe plans for vacation in the summer time. Finally, Joohyun checked her watch and declared that it was time for her to leave. "Please take care of her," she said.

"Of course," Taeyeon replied. "I don't want to die, you know." It was supposed to be a joke but Joohyun did not laugh.

Instead, she placed a hand on Seungwan's shoulder. "Listen to everything Taeyeon says, and don't go out on your own."

The teen nodded and Joohyun smiled softly before letting her hand fall to intertwine her fingers with Seungwan's. "I'll see you in a week."

"Be safe," Seungwan said as Joohyun walked away to where a taxi waited for her at the road side.

Joohyun turned briefly and then waved at them before disappearing from view.

"Do you like dogs?" Taeyeon asked.

"Sure."

"Come on, I'll show you!" Joohyun's friend led her into the house, where a small puppy yapped happily and bounced all around their legs.

-

-

"Irene, what are you going to do when she realizes the truth? The doctor did say there was a chance she would recover some of her memory later on."

"I'm not lying to her."

"Well, it's not the whole truth either. You're taking advantage of her condition, don't you see that?"

"You don't understand!" Irene snapped. "She doesn't need the truth! It's too painful for her."

"What are you talking about?"

"If she knows the truth, she'll hate me!"

"Look, I'm really worried about you. It has been a while since you decided to come knocking on my door for help. If Seungwan is that important to you, you better start thinking about her and not you."

"I am! I just want her to be happy!"

"Her? Or you?" Taeyeon demanded. "You know after agreeing to that stupid plan with Donghae that it was your call because you were greedy. Just because you're holding onto the girl doesn't make you selfless right now."

"I can't let her go."

"Is that your choice to make?"

"Seungwan has no memory of anything, not even herself. All I can do is build new memories for her so that she won't have to be in pain ever again."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> M-rating for sexual scenes between adults (not between Irene and Seungwan).

Taeyeon was a renowned singer, leader of Girl’s Generation, which had disbanded a few years ago after some scandals and the other members wanted to pursue other careers. Taeyeon continued to perform solo, already having come out with new albums and singles. 

Now she was taking a long break from over a decade of hard work. 

“I knew Joohyun when she first started training,” Taeyeon explained. “She was supposed to be an idol, but her spark for acting changed the course of her career.”

“What was she like?” Seungwan decided now was a good time to find some answers since Joohyun didn’t seem too keen on talking about certain things. 

“Hmm, she was quite shy,” Taeyeon said thoughtfully. “But she was the prettiest of all the trainees. A lot of male idols wanted to date her, and many girls were jealous. Even before she arrived, she was calling attention at her hometown.”

Wow. Joohyun was already a heartthrob from a young age. 

That made sense. She had such natural looks—she didn’t even need plastic surgery, or make up. Actually, she didn’t even need photoshop for all those modeling shoots she was doing. 

“That’s why she gets a bit cold to everyone, especially men. She doesn’t like their obsession over her good looks—but what else do you expect right? She’s a model.”

“She’s pretty popular then?”

“I’d say so.” Taeyeon finished typing in the order for Postmates. “I haven’t had pizza for a while. The managers just want us to starve!”

Seungwan had heard about the strict diets idols were placed on. It sounded awful and she was sure she couldn’t survive. She didn’t even want to try anyway. 

Enslaving herself to fandom didn’t sound so glamorous. 

“Wanna watch a movie?” Taeyeon suggested. “I’ve got Netflix.”

“Um ok.”

“What do you wanna watch?” She flipped through the endless movie clips flying across the screen. 

“I’m up for anything,” Seungwan replied. 

The doorbell rang and Taeyeon quickly jumped up like a rabbit. “The pizza is here!” The puppy, named Ginger, hared after her while barking angrily at the pizza boy. 

A few moments later they were digging in to the pepperoni pizza and preparing to watch a movie that Taeyeon claimed to be emotionally heart wrenching. Spirit of the Cimarron (go watch it! It’s an animated movie about horses). 

It was a kid’s movie, but Seungwan still watched it nonetheless. The story followed the life of a herd of wild horses as told by the main character, Spirit, himself. He was captured by the US army, and met a native Indian who was also in captivity. Together, they escaped and Spirit lived with his tribe for a little while also falling in love with the Indian’s horse. 

The rest of the story was a dramatic timeline, a battle for freedom and explored idea of an unshakable will. 

Even when the native tried to tame Spirit with kindness, he was not willing to be domesticated. He was born wild.

The ending was happy, and Seungwan felt satisfied. That was the nice thing about most kid movies. Good endings. 

“Hey, if you need anything, don’t hesitate to wake me!” Taeyeon exclaimed before bed. 

Seungwan nodded and thanked her. Did Joohyun warn her about the nightmares? They hadn’t come back for a while since she began sleeping in Joohyun’s room, but this would be the first time without her. 

She crawled into the bed in the spare room and sighed heavily. Day one. 

And tomorrow she had school. 

Well, at least the work would make the week go by faster. 

Was Joohyun still flying? She wondered what kinds of things the woman would be doing other than work. What kinds of people she would meet...

Soon, she was falling asleep and her dreams remained safe from nightmares. 

—

Taeyeon dropped her off at the front where Seulgi waited for her. 

“I can’t wait for spring!” The other girl sighed wistfully as they walked in. 

It was still bitterly cold, and Seungwan shivered as the morning breeze blew against her cheeks. 

“Me too.” Seungwan slung her backpack over her other shoulder. 

As they walked the hallways to class, three girls blocked the way. The lead one in the center smirked while holding up a magazine—a New Year edition from a couple months ago with all the raging celebrity gossip. 

Seungwan narrowed her eyes at her trying to remember who the girl was. “Sorry...what’s your name?” She asked. 

“Did you really forget me already?”

The latter laughed loudly. “She’s really lost her mind, guys!” A crowd began to gather around them. 

Seulgi grabbed Seungwan’s wrist. “Let us pass, Hani! The restraining order is still active, you know.”

“Oh shut up, you.” Hani tossed the magazine at Seungwan, which she quickly grabbed onto though the pages became wrinkled. “It’s my welcome back present.” And with that, she and her accomplices walked away. 

What is this? Seungwan glanced at the front page of the magazine. 

It did look familiar.

Because Joohyun was on the front cover. With a man. 

Married Couple: Irene and Donghae share their love story and plans for the future.

Irene?

Must be a stage name, she mused. 

The warning bell rang all around and Seulgi dragged her to class seconds before they were late.

Hani did not appear for the rest of the day. And Seungwan was glad. She got bad vibes around that girl. 

“Um...do you guys know them?” Seungwan showed Seulgi’s friends the magazine Hani tossed at her. 

Joy and Seulgi exchanged glances while Yeri beamed. “They’re your parents!”

Seungwan blinked at them and then glanced at the magazine again. But who is Donghae? I thought Joohyun wasn’t married...she said that we lived alone together. Just the two of us.

Maybe she could ask Joohyun when she came back. Her friends were the last people who would know anything about her life prior to the coma. But...they did seem to know about Joohyun as Irene. 

“Has Irene told you anything?” Seulgi asked. 

“Um no.”

The topic was closed off, leaving Seungwan uncertain about her life. 

Joohyun was standing so close to Donghae, whose hands were clasped around her slim waist as if he owned her. 

She didn’t like the way he stood so close to her. It’s just a photo shoot, she thought to herself. She’s paid to act like this.

Yet the caption clearly said they were married. 

After school, Taeyeon picked her up and they went to pick up some snacks before returning home. 

“Um, Taeyeon? Can I ask you a question?” Seungwan asked tentatively. 

“Ask away!” 

The teen pulled out Hani’s magazine and presented it to the adult. “Do you know anything about this?”

Taeyeon froze, her eyes wide and the chip she was about to eat fell to the floor. “Where did you get this from?” Taeyeon’s puppy proceeded to devour the fallen food. 

“Someone at school gave it to me.”

Taeyeon took the magazine from her, eyes never leaving the front cover with bold letters stating the topic of the New Year. 

“Is Joohyun really married?” Seungwan pressed. 

“W-why don’t you go do your homework?” Taeyeon suggested. “I’ve got some...homework to do myself.”

Seungwan reached forward to get the magazine back, but Taeyeon walked away with it. She frowned, wondering why the atmosphere felt colder than usual. So she decided to heed the woman’s suggestion and work on the homework instead. 

Still, her mind was troubled about the new information, but she managed to complete her assignments before dinner. 

Taeyeon did not bring up the topic again. 

Neither did Seungwan. 

That night, she could not sleep. Hani’s news bothered her, and the image from the magazine burned into her mind persistently. 

There was something familiar about the photo.

But she couldn’t place her finger on it. 

Seungwan sat up and buried her face in her hands. This was so stupid. She was letting Hani mess with her mind! A surge of anger burst forth. 

Wait...where did that thought come from? 

At that moment, her phone vibrated from the backpack and she went to fish it out. 

Joohyun: I found something you will like. It’s a surprise! I miss you and I hope you sleep well without those awful nightmares. Good night. 

Seungwan smiled at the screen as she read the words over again. Then she put it away before getting back in bed. Joohyun was thinking of her...

Seungwan sat in an incredibly stuffy office. The air was so still and hot. The fan whirred but did nothing except circulate the gross air. 

The person at the desk was telling her something, that she would be living with a couple for a little while. 

Soon, a man came to pick her up. His face looked so familiar, yet the image in the dream was also fuzzy so she couldn’t figure out who it was. 

Voices echoed all around as she found herself standing in a luxurious home. A woman stood before her arms crossed over her chest. When Seungwan looked up, the daylight streaming in behind the woman cast a blind spot so she couldn’t see who it was. 

Only their voices. 

“Why did you bring her here?” a familiar feminine voice demanded. 

“We’ve always a wanted a kid! So we’re fostering her for now...Come on...at least welcome her here...”

No one...wants me...

Seungwan felt a wave of emotion take over her briefly, but it soon dissolved. 

And she awoke with no memory of whatever the dream was. 

—

The week passed like the breeze. 

The nightmares came and went. 

Seungwan remembered nothing of them, and she had temporarily forgotten about the magazine 

An exam went by, which she felt better about than most things in her life. It must be Seulgi’s help that saved her. 

Hani didn’t appear anymore, and the consistent pestering about Donghae and Irene died away. Speaking of them, she still didn’t know who they were. Anyway, gossip was gossip and it surely didn’t really matter. 

Joohyun would tell her the truth.

And that’s why she was more excited than ever to see the other woman. 

Seungwan missed sharing a bed with her, and she was so used to her that it felt weird not to be with her. 

Joohyun never did specify the exact day or time of her return. So when she appeared on Taeyeon’s doorstep on a Saturday morning, well...Seungwan was just waking up and still half asleep. 

After washing up, she walked out of her room to find the adults talking at the table. 

“I don’t know why you can’t just tell the truth,” Taeyeon was saying in a hushed voice. “She isn’t blind, and sooner or later she’ll find out...”

“Seungwan!” Joohyun stood up quickly as soon as she spotted the younger girl. She walked over to hold her close, and the scent of strong perfume surrounded her. “How are you? Did Taeyeon treat you well?”

“Yes. How was your trip?”

“It was busy as usual, but it’s over now.” Joohyun cupped her cheek seeming to be inspecting her closely. “Are you sleeping ok?”

“Yeah.” The last thing she wanted was for the woman to worry about her. Joohyun already looked so tired. 

Taeyeon cleared her throat loudly. “Since you’re back, you can treat me to lunch.”

So, they went to a grade A restaurant that was full of hungry people. Seungwan found herself squeezed between Joohyun and the wall, but it didn’t bother her so much. She really missed her. 

Taeyeon seemed glad too, but Seungwan did notice that she was not as cheery as the first day they spent together. 

Did they get in a fight?

Soon, they made their orders and waited for the food to come. She listened to Taeyeon talk to Joohyun about her planned comeback, and inquiries about the latter’s plans for the future. 

“Maybe a break,” Joohyun replied. “I don’t want to see anymore flashing cameras and international pricks.” She propped her chin in her hand and leaned on the table. 

“Funny coming from you,” Taeyeon snorted before sipping on iced tea. “It’s what you signed up for.” She glanced at Seungwan. “You know, you could pass for a model too. You’re pretty cute and slim—I’m sure you’d make it.”

What?! Seungwan shook her head wildly. “No thanks!” She said adamantly. “It’s no life for me!”

Taeyeon laughed. “Well said, Wan!”

“Wan?” Joohyun echoed with a look of distaste.

“Ah, just a little nickname,” the singer said indifferently. 

Joohyun hummed and rubbed Seungwan’s upper leg, unseen since it was under the table. The unexpected touch made the younger girl flinch, but she didn’t say anything. 

It started to tickle a little, and she grabbed Joohyun’s hand to make it stop. The latter smiled but not looking at her. Only her hand did not let go of Seungwan. 

Soon their food arrived, and she was set free so they could eat. 

Early afternoon found them walking by the pier, which was alive with activity. 

Someone jammed away on a guitar while a trumpeter was preparing to join in for the jam session. 

It was pretty loud. Not suitable for chatting. 

After a few minutes of wandering around, they found a bench that flanked the half bridge going out to see. It was a bit breezy but nothing that would disturb a pleasant conversation. 

“Hey, Seungwan!” Taeyeon waved her over and handed her some money. “Could you go to the Starbucks and get us some drinks?”

“Ok. What do you want?”

“Just tea for both of us,” she replied. “And whatever you want.”

Seungwan nodded and quickly walked away with the money in hand. The line was long as many were in need of a hot drink in the somewhat cold weather. 

The wait was a bit long, but she was thankful not to be buffeted by the ocean wind. 

Finally, a barista called her order and handed her the drinks on a carton holder.

Seungwan walked back outside, her eyes watering because the wind was stronger and a bit dry. 

Too bad the Starbucks was full. Maybe they could have sat in a warm place instead of the bridge. 

The wind was blowing downwind towards her, bits and pieces of Joohyun and Taeyeon’s voices floating towards her. 

“You can’t hide forever,” Taeyeon was saying. “If you won’t tell her, someone will. Looks like someone is keeping tabs on you too. Seungwan came back with your magazine and asking if you were married.”

“What did you tell her?”

“I stalled for you. She didn’t even remember.”

“Good.”

“Irene, this is no good. Paris Fashion Week is widely renowned. How are you going to refute your interview if she finds out?”

“She won’t. She trusts everything I say. I told her I went to Singapore.”

Taeyeon looked extremely irritated. “Irene what are you going to do when she finds out the truth? The doctor did say there was a chance she would recover some of her memory later on.”

“I’m not lying to her.”

“Well it’s not the whole truth either. You’re taking advantage of her condition don’t you see that?”

“You don’t understand!” Joohyun snapped. “She doesn’t need the truth! It’s too painful for her.”

“What are you talking about?”

“If she knows the truth, she’ll hate me!”

“Look, I’m really worried about you. It has been a while since you decided to come knocking on my door for help. If Seungwan is that important to you, you better start thinking about her and not you.”

“I am! I just want her to be happy!” Joohyun sounded desperately, her voice a pitch higher than usual. 

“Her? Or you?” Taeyeon demanded. “You know after agreeing to that stupid plan with Donghae that it was your call because you were greedy. Just because you’re holding onto the girl doesn’t make you selfless right now.”

“I can’t let her go.”

“Is that your choice to make?”

“Seungwan has no memory of anything, not even herself. All I can do is build new memories for her so that she won’t have to be in pain ever again.”

Seungwan swallowed as she stared at the two women’s backs. 

I was...in pain? 

“I treated her horribly when Donghae brought her home,” Joohyun continued. “I was so angry because I did everything I could to please him. I...I was so stupid to fall in love so easily. I knew he was with Jessica but I thought that things could change that maybe he would love me too...but instead he brought her home. And all because I can’t bear children for anyone.”

“Irene, you would have died if they did not perform the surgery.”

“No one will want a woman who can’t bear children. That’s all anyone wants. A daughter. A son to carry the family name and good genes.

I regret everything. I thought I finally made it. I thought this was all I could have ever wanted.”

“Is this the life you want?” Taeyeon said instead. “Where someone else dictates your every move?”

“What about you?” Irene flashed back. 

“I made it big. They let me do what I want,” Taeyeon retorted. “Your story is not mine.”

Seungwan was frozen to the spot. She had no idea...about any of this. Donghae and Irene were real. 

She tried to search her mind for any recollection of these blank memories, but nothing came to her. 

Then...what am I doing here?

Seungwan shook her head and continued forward. Joohyun would have told her if it were truly important. 

But...that also meant she lied. Joohyun said it was just the two of them before. 

There was no Donghae.

Maybe...maybe they were separated? Bad marriage?

“I brought the tea,” Seungwan said. 

Joohyun turned around quickly. “Were you waiting long?” she asked and took the carton from her. 

“No.”

Seungwan sat between them while listening to the cold waves crash at the rocks beneath them. 

They returned home together in the late afternoon. Taeyeon seemed to be forcing a smile, while Joohyun curtly thanked her friend for the favor. 

Once inside the unit, Joohyun suddenly embraced her tightly. “I missed you so much,” she murmured. 

“Well, we’re here now.” Seungwan pointed out but hugged her too. 

She really wanted to ask Joohyun questions about everything. About Donghae and Irene. The magazine. And the conversation she had overheard by accident. 

Why was Joohyun hiding things from her?

“Joohyun?”

“Yes?”

Seungwan took in a careful breath. “If I needed to know something...you would tell me right?”

“Of course, Seungwan.” Joohyun pulled away and led her to the couch so they could sit together. 

“What about if it’s something I want to know?”

The latter tensed seeming to be a little edgy now. “Seungwan, sometimes too much knowledge isn’t good.”

“W-well...I can’t remember a lot of things,” Seungwan pointed out tentatively. “I don’t even know who I am. Who I was before now.”

Joohyun poked the younger girl’s forehead with an index finger and smiled. “You’re fine just the way you are.”

“Come here.” Joohyun held an arm out to her as they were preparing to sleep. 

The younger girl carefully crawled into bed and gasped when Joohyun pulled her into her chest. 

“I missed this,” Joohyun murmured.

I did too. Seungwan let her coddle her and felt warmth rush to her cheeks when Joohyun gently kissed the top of her head. 

“Good night, Seungwan.”

She fell asleep first, leaving the younger to her own thoughts. 

She was terribly confused. 

All the information from the magazine to the eavesdropped conversation to Joohyun’s words that she had trusted—nothing added up. 

There so many questions. But she didn’t want Joohyun to know she had overheard everything. 

Honestly, she didn’t know what to think. What to feel. Not while she held no memory of anything. 

Seungwan listened to the gentle pulse beating against her ear. Joohyun cares about me, she told herself. Why would she lie to me? 

—

The snow had finally thawed out completely. The birds were coming back and animals arising from their long slumber. Once barren trees sprouted new life and buds gradually bloomed to shower the once scarce land with color. 

Seungwan pressed against Joohyun’s side as they roamed the farmer’s market. Not looking for anything in particular. Just walking together. 

Thought spring was here, the air was still a bit cold. So Seungwan stuffed her hands on her coat pockets while trying to stop her teeth from chattering. 

“Cold?” Joohyun asked. Without waiting for an answer, she took Seungwan’s hand and stuffed it into her pocket while rubbing it with warm fingers. 

“I-it’s ok,” Seungwan was startled by the gesture. 

“No, I don’t want you to catch cold.” Joohyun pulled her close and kept an arm around her. 

“Is it ok to be like this in public?”

“Why not?”

“People...”

Joohyun moved away from her seeming to be a little hurt. “I’m sorry...”

Seungwan gulped nervously and clutched onto her hand again. “I’m just not used to it,” she told her. “B-But it’s nice...”

“I’ll do it more often then,” Joohyun declared. “So you’ll feel comfortable.”

They continued walking hand in hand, attracting stares because she was holding hands with a model. 

No one approached them. 

She glanced at Joohyun who didn’t seem at all bothered with the silent attention. 

Maybe it was ok.

—

“Hey Seungwan!” Yeri waved as she and Seulgi sat down for lunch. “My mom got us tickets to an amusement park! Wanna come?”

Seungwan had never gone before and it sounded interesting. 

But then she remembered that Joohyun had plans for the weekend and she was supposed to be her plus one. 

“I really do, but I already have plans,” she said apologetically. “Maybe next time?”

“Sure! Maybe summer then,” Yeri said cheerily. 

“Yeah.”

Well, she wasn’t looking forward to the formal shopping she would be doing with Joohyun after school. 

“How formal is formal?” Seungwan asked. 

“Formal is formal,” Joohyun replied. “Just put this on.” She shoved a dress shirt and a skirt at the girl. 

Seungwan didn’t really like skirts or dresses for that matter, but she still tried it anyway. 

It just didn’t seem right. 

“Hm...” Joohyun gazed at her thoughtfully. “The dress shirt is good. I think you could get away with slacks. You’re small.”

“Huh?”

A pair of black dress pants came flying ar her face. “Try that.”

Seungwan stared at herself in the mirror before presenting herself to Joohyun. I look like I’m trying to dress like a man...she thought to herself. But she didn’t dislike the attire. It was more comfortable than the skirt. 

“Is this ok?” She asked. 

Joohyun looked particularly pleased. “That’ll do.” She checked Seungwan over all around. “I never noticed how tiny you are...Are you eating enough?”

“I’m almost as tall as you,” Seungwan pointed out. 

“Don’t grow any taller.” Joohyun jokingly slapped her shoulder. “I don’t want to look up at you.”

“I’ll try not to.”

“Good.”

Seungwan kind of wished that she decided to go with her friends to the amusement park instead of this big get together for famous people. 

Was this really ok for her to participate?

I’m not famous. I’m not even trying to be famous. 

I’m just Joohyun’s...

What am I to her?

Right, her plus one. 

Seungwan followed her in to the grand venue filled with people and cameras. 

“Blur out her face,” she heard someone say while pointing at her. 

Well thanks I guess. 

Joohyun wore an elegant strapless black dress that draped over her Jimmy Choo heels. The top was a bit too revealing in Seungwan’s opinion. You could just see a bit of her cleavage, and the dress hugged against her tightly while showing off her slim curves and firm breasts. 

The other attendees greeted her respectfully, their eyes taking her in like hungry vultures. 

Seungwan also respectfully greeted them but felt really out of place. 

This was a private convention so there would be no public representation luckily. 

Seungwan followed Joohyun to a table where refreshments were served. 

A man broke away from his group of friends to start up a conversation with Joohyun. 

“Sehun,” the women nodded at him.

The man smiled and served himself a cocktail drink. “Hello Irene. Your recent appearance at Paris Fashion Week has certainly caught everyone’s attention.”

Joohyun smiled coolly. “I would imagine so.”

They talked a while longer and Seungwan glanced all around the place. 

Everyone was dressed so nice and they all looked like beautiful people. It made her feel a bit self conscious about her appearance. I must look out of place, she mused. 

“This is Seungwan,” Joohyun slipped her hand onto hers. 

“I thought she was no longer your—“

“Things change, Sehun.”

“Yes sorry...”

“Would you like to sit down? The tables are beginning to fill up.”

“No thank you. We will be fine.”

“Alright. See you later, Irene. It was a pleasure to talk with you.”

“What is Paris Fashion Week?” Seungwan asked as they headed to the restroom so Joohyun could reapply her make up. 

“It’s an event,” the latter replied. 

“Didn’t you go to Singapore?”

“Yes.”

“Then...how did you—“

“Seungwan enough with the questions!” She snapped. 

The younger girl flinched and lifted an arm up instinctively as if Joohyun had struck her. She looked down at the floor. “Sorry...”

Joohyun didn’t say anything and continued to finish off her look. She zipped up her purse and stood in front of the girl. Her heels gave an extra boost in height so she could tower over Seungwan. 

She tipped the younger girls‘ chin up and gave her an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, Seungwan. I was a little stressed. I’m not angry at you.”

She followed her sullenly until they were back in the loud chattering hall. 

Aish...I guess I do ask too many things... Seungwan reprimanded herself. I should have waited until later. 

Joohyun tugged her out of the way when a server irritably bellowed, “Excuse me!”

“She brought a kid?” Someone said aloud from the side. 

“I thought they didn’t have children.”

“They don’t.”

“Heh. Leeteuk said they were giving her away. Wonder what compelled them to keep her.”

“What’s her name?”

“I think it’s a boy’s name.”

Seungwan nervously looked all around. People were staring at her. The air felt right all around, and a room materialized before her. Lots of people. Talking and laughing. 

She was in the expensive house again. They were having some kind of party... 

“...let the kid join?”

Images flashed passed racing across her mind like the wind. She was in a hot bathtub and her arm was on fire. Red tendrils seeped onto her vision, while darkness fuzzed up around. “Seungwan open the door!”

Nobody wants me...

“Do what you want with the girl...just don’t touch me.” 

Nobody...

“Hey kid! How’s school?”

“Kid, you really had us worried...”

Voices echoed all around her, and she felt someone shaking her. 

“Kid!”

Seungwan shot up in alarm her chest pounding rapidly as she couldn’t recognize anything. 

“What? What happened?” She spluttered. “W-where’s Joohyun?”

“Joohyun is our giving a speech,” the man said. “You passed out before dinner.”

“I...I did?”

“Yeah. You ok, kid?” The voice sounded familiar, but she couldn’t remember who it was. 

“I think so...”

“Come on. I’ll help you.”

She followed the tall man back into the main room, but they stuck to the back where the light was dim. 

Joohyun was standing at a podium with a man dressed in a tux. She spoke and glanced at hold both smiling at each other every now and then. 

“Who is that?”

“That’s Sehun up there,” the man explained. “He’s her new boyfriend.”

“B-boyfriend? I thought she was married...”

“Don’t worry, kid. Everything will fall into place.” He pat her head and let her sit on a soft chair. “Want something to drink?”

“N-no thanks.”

He sat down with her. “Does she treat you well?”

“Joohyun?”

“Mhm.”

“Yeah she does.”

“...interesting.”

“Hey! Where have you been?” Another woman appeared seeming worried. She eyed Seungwan and gasped. “Oh my god!”

The man hushed her before the woman could say more. “I’ll let Joohyun know you’re here ok? Just stay put.”

“Ok. Thanks...” Seungwan was about to ask his name, but he disappeared into the fray of applause. 

Joohyun headed down the steps daintily lifting her skirt while Sehun held her other hand. 

Boyfriend?

She felt a tug of resentment in her chest. Someone else being close to Joohyun...it just didn’t sit well with her. 

Ugh what am I thinking? Joohyun can’t spend all her days with a kid like me...

Seungwan sighed and watched Joohyun converse with the others while the next order of business assembled. 

Joohyun looked so naturally at home and happy. With Sehun standing by her side.

The ride back home was silent and taut with unease. 

Seungwan didn’t say anything to Joohyun because she was guilty for annoying her, and she also felt tired out from tonight. 

She didn’t go to Joohyun’s room. 

She just wanted to be alone and drown in her own confusing whirlpool. 

Maybe I’ll remember something...

“Hey...” Joohyun appeared at her bedside. 

“Hi.”

“Is everything ok?”

“Yep.”

Joohyun reached forward to stroke Seungwan’s head but the girl moved away. 

“Sleep with me so you don’t have those nightmares.”

“I’m fine.” Seungwan turned away from her. “I’m not a baby.”

“I know you’re not.”

Seungwan sniffed but didn’t answer. “You have a schedule tomorrow. Shouldn’t you sleep?”

“Why are you upset?” Joohyun sat on the bedside. “Is it because I snapped? I’m really sorry—“

Just go away. 

Seungwan buried her face in the pillow trying to curl away from her. 

“You don’t even want me,” were the words from her mouth. It was so natural, her memory pulsating like red crimson blood spilling over. “Nobody...”

“Seungwan that isn’t true!” Joohyun pinned her down leaving the girl widened as she stared up at her. “Who told you that?”

“What?”

Joohyun was distressed and she buried her face in Seungwan’s shoulder. “Why would you say that?” She whispered. 

“W-wha...but I didn’t...” Seungwan did not remember the fleeting images or the words that had slipped from her mouth. It was so strange. Things came and went like waves lapping at the shore. 

“I won’t ask anymore questions,” Seungwan said. “I’m...I’m really sorry.”

—

Seungwan stared out the balcony feeling warmed under the sunlight. 

She sighed and dipped the bubblewand into the bottle before blowing through the loop. 

Shining bubbles floated out into the air falling to their ultimate doom while others rose up before popping into small droplets. 

The dog at the bottom level barked excitedly skittering across the floor to get the bubbles. 

“Having fun?” Joohyun stood beside her. 

“Yeah. Wanna try?” She handed it over to the woman. 

“Sure.” 

Seungwan gazed at her as she puckered her lips to blow the bubbles into life. 

Joohyun could do anything and still be beautiful. 

She managed to produce a huge bubble and it sauntered our flopping before popping shortly. The droplets flew onto them and Seungwan wipes her face of the soapy contents. 

“That was a good one,” she said. And Joohyun smiled at her. 

Seungwan gave up on trying to learn anything about herself. Joohyun always seemed troubled when she brought it up though she was always patient. 

But they were happier just living their days like this, not thinking back to the past. 

Whatever it may be. 

Donghae was long forgotten. 

And the name Irene didn’t mean anything to her. 

Joohyun was just Joohyun. 

Seungwan returned to sharing the bed with her again and the nightmares did not come back. 

They played with the bubbles for a little longer until Joohyun’s phone went off. 

“Hey Sehun...tonight? I almost forgot!” She walked into the kitchen to converse more privately. Seungwan shut the door and put the bubbles back in her room to play with later. 

“Yes, tonight at 6? You’ll pick me up? Ok. See you then.”

Seungwan pretended not to have heard anything and scanned over her bookshelf for anything interesting. 

I read everything. 

“I’m sorry Seungwan. I have a meeting tonight. You’ll have to eat dinner alone.”

“That’s ok.” Seungwan smiled and randomly picked out a book. 

Joohyun gazed at her for a few moments and drew closer to embrace her. “I’m afraid to leave you alone.”

“I’ll be fine. Nothing will happen to me.”

“I’ll try to be home before midnight,” Joohyun told her. 

“Ok.”

Seungwan ate dinner alone while reading her book. She didn’t get to do this all the time. Have a moment to herself alone. 

She finished up and washed the dishes before going to shower and brush her teeth. 

There was still homework to do too so she did that. At least she finished it early so tomorrow would be open. 

It was already 11pm when she was done. Not too late but not early either. 

Would Joohyun be here soon?

She’s an adult. Why worry?

Seungwan climbed into bed, deciding to try sleeping alone in her room for once. She couldn’t rely on Joohyun forever. What if she got tired of me?

Seungwan was just falling asleep when she heard scuffling from the door and uneven steps. 

“Sehun!” Her mind registered that as Joohyun in her half asleep state. 

The noises drew closer and a man growled. “You’re so hot...”

Joohyun cried out and that woke her up. 

What?

It was 1 am. 

She heard sucking noises and heavy pants from the main room. Frowning to herself, she got up but wished she had not woken up. 

The sight from her doorway was horrifying. 

Sehun was naked on top of Joohyun, whose dress had been tossed aside. 

He kneaded her breast and kissed her deeply. 

“You can’t get pregnant right?” He murmured and leaned over to suck on her breast. 

“N-no...a-ah...” her hand buried into his hair as he moved lower to taste her folds. She gasped and moaned softly while grinding her hips against his mouth. 

“You taste so good,” he moaned lowly and then moved to push his dick into her. Slowly at first, and then faster, his balls slapping against her as he thrust greedily into her. 

Seungwan swallowed nervously but she couldn’t look away. She knew she had to look away. This wasn’t right.

Joohyun moaned needily, almost in distress, and she leaned her head back. Sehun thrust deeper into her growling as he was about to blow his load into her. 

“Yeah...yeah...” he gasped and moaned, slowing down his movements. Then he leaned down to kiss her and she kissed him back. 

Seungwan backed away from the doorway and hid in her closet where it was only darkness. 

She couldn’t get the images out of her mind. 

And she felt damp between her legs. 

Her heart was racing and she shivered nervously. She had never felt like this before. 

The only thing was she felt a certain loss within her knowing that Joohyun was kissing a man and having sex with him in the other room.

—

Seungwan awoke early. She washed up and changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt before heading to the kitchen for something to eat. 

She had forgotten about what happened last night but tripped on a piece of clothing. 

Her body fell with a loud thud, which woke up both Irene and Sehun. 

What the—

“Seungwan!” Joohyun cried out. 

And she had the unfortunate pleasure to see her naked and Sehun’s dick flopping out. He quickly grabbed his shirt to cover his nakedness. 

“I thought you lived alone!” He snapped. “Why’s she here?”

Joohyun whirled on him. “Get out!”

The man sneered at her and then grudgingly picked up his clothes. He went into the bathroom to put them back on and came out looking upset. “You wanted me to sleep with you!” He burst out. 

“It’s what you wanted,” she retorted. 

“Fuck you!” He stormed out of the apartment leaving them in the tense silence. 

Seungwan turned away from her.

“Wait...please listen to me...”

“It’s your life, Joohyun. You can do what you want.”

Seungwan walked back into her room and shut the door to leave Joohyun in her own filth. 

—

A/N: sorry guys, this turned really nasty. 

Also hope it made sense...? 


	5. Chapter 5

Irene washed herself thoroughly in the shower. She was careful not to let Sehun’s ejaculation dirty the rest of the main room. It dripped from between her legs onto the shower floor, and into the drain never to be seen again. 

She sighed heavily and leaned against the wall. 

I fucked up. 

She drank with him at a fancy restaurant last night. He was paying the tab so how could she turn down a free meal and drinks? 

Anyway, it was all for show. 

They were both tipsy and should not have been driving, though they both miraculously returned unharmed and without police catching them. 

She was still somewhat aware of her thoughts and actions when they returned, but she didn’t stop him when he proceeded to seduce her. 

The managers told her to finish the agreement on a good note. 

This was supposed to be a public act. Suitable for her role since she just so happened to be a very famous actress. 

Sehun was from an idol boy group called EXO, and the company decided that the group needed an extra publicity catapult. 

So why not add a sub scandal to a scandal that was already released to the network?

First Donghae, Jessica, and Irene scandal; and now Sehun and Irene “dating”.

That being said, she was anxious to get rid of him and gave him what all males would like if they could have the chance. 

Sex. 

And since she couldn’t get pregnant, there was no worry about letting them release their ejaculate into her. 

It was all so convenient. 

Plus, she was so good at acting that she could fake feeling sensually aroused. Even though he stimulated her breasts and clitoris, it didn’t do much to seduce her. Sehun moved too fast because he was anxious to bang her. 

She had to keep everyone happy. 

Irene lathered her body with soap and washed between her legs because she felt disgusting right now. 

She was worried about what Seungwan thought of her now. All this time, she had been trying to be careful not to slip up like last time. 

But someone hit the replay button and she found herself stuck in this shit hole again. 

Donghae. 

Now Sehun, who she was supposed to be helping get publicity because he was a talentless soul that needed the boost. Their fake dating was just for show especially since Donghae and Jessica were getting close again. 

Talk was going around that they were getting back together and Joohyun and Donghae were to divorce. 

Humph. Donghae never consulted her about it but she didn’t care. 

He was in love with Jessica so he needed to go where his heart belonged. 

One bind would be undone.

Now that Sehun was out of the way—he can’t say he wasn’t satisfied now since she gave him what he wanted—she could move on with her life. 

She had to. She had to make it up to Seungwan for exposing her to this awful world of money and power. 

This life that I chose...

“Is this the life you want? Where someone else dictates your every move?” Taeyeon’s words echoed in her mind. 

Do I?

Irene had only ever wanted to be successful. She had looked up to so many role models: BoA, Taeyeon...

She had grown up in a poor man’s land, on a ranch raised by her mother and father. Her elder brother, Jonghyun, was always meant to inherit the farm, but Irene had other plans. 

They had a fairly stable lifestyle because people around the country and the world wanted to buy their pure bred Andalusian horses that were exclusive to their ranch in all of South Korea. 

But Irene had no interest in staying in this place. She wanted to do something that no one in her family had ever done. 

The shows on TV, MTV, and the popular music going around was her favorite thing as a child. To live in another world created by ideas on paper, and music. 

School was the perfect place to begin pursuing her interests. She took dance class and performed in talent shows, earning generally good acclaim from her teachers about her stage presence. 

It wasn’t until the day BoA came to her school in all her glory, to talk about life as a singer and self love. 

“You can do anything if you put your mind to it,” BoA had said. “You’ll go far as long as you don’t give up. Keep fighting for your future. Failure is part of life, but getting back up means you’ve grown stronger...”

I can do this, she had told herself at the time. 

So she told her mom she was going to be a trainee after high school, and help them with finances because she was going to be famous. 

Her father laughed at first thinking it was but a phase, but Irene was serious. Only her mom and brother supported her. 

And she surprised her family by doing just that. 

After graduating high school, she applied and auditioned in one of the entertainment labels and was immediately recruited because of her natural fresh look and promising dance skills. 

That was the original plan—to be an idol like BoA. 

But after being featured in Descendants of the Sun, her minor act caught the attention of certain film producers. 

She could capture emotions and connect the atmospheres of every scene to her expression. Her eyes could change light—there was so much that they found in her. 

She was going to be one of the best. 

And she was. 

She made side characters in other films before finally making it to her big hit. 

It was a dramaticized romance about a sickly girl and her best childhood friend, both of whom were in love with each other. Then, they were separated for a long time and finally found each other. The only problems were love rivals, and the fact that Irene’s character was terminally ill so the script was written to tragically kill her off. 

Her fairy tale love story began then. She met Donghae during a screening to test their chemistry as acting lovers for the movie. 

He was super nice and gave her tips sometimes because she was nervous about this being her first major drama. Jessica would drop by to support him, and treated her kindly as well. She learned then that Donghae and Jess were in a relationship, already had a child together, and were planning to get married after the filming of this movie was over. 

About a year and a half passed to film the movie. 

Finally, she was sitting in a private theatre with Donghae to watch the premier. Jessica couldn’t make it because she had a schedule in China to attend to. 

It was there and then that he professed his newfound desire for her. 

She couldn’t have been more happy. 

But then there was Jessica. 

“Maybe we can test the waters?” He had suggested then. “Jessica is always so busy these days and we can barely spend time with our daughter.”

Irene knew that this was not good. Deep inside. Her mother would certainly disapprove of her choice. 

But she was so innocently in love with Donghae. His kindness, his strong exterior, and softness when they were alone...he was everything a woman could ask for. 

And he was willing to give them a chance. 

What was there to lose?

So being the naive stupid girl, blinded by love (despite the age gap), she agreed and a love affair ensued that was actually well received when paparazzi started following them. 

They weren’t revealed to be dating yet but the media had speculations about it. 

Fans of her movie and fans of her existence shipped them together hard. 

The only person who didn’t like it was Jessica. She had become angry and disliked Irene. 

Donghae has created distance then because he still couldn’t choose between Irene and Jessica. Plus he still had a daughter to care for. And a wedding with Jessica that he had already planned before Irene even met him. 

However, their managers decided this was a good time to boost publicity to increase the digits on their check. Since all fans were supportive of Donghae and Irene dating, they should take advantage of it. Marriage. This would certainly catch attention and increase viewer base as well as fan base. 

Jessica wasn’t speaking to Donghae at the time, distraught and angry about the affair. 

Donghae seemed a bit torn but agreed nonetheless to the plan. 

Now all that was needed was Irene to agree. 

They promised it would only last for a little until the hype died down. 

So she said yes. 

Jessica had come running in the day after their agreement took place. The internet was on fire. Radios were consistently sharing the news while headlining TV news centrals announced it every other minute. The billboards and all sorts of media were crammed with the announcement of their marriage. Little did the public know it was supposedly “fake”.

But Irene didn’t care. She was with the man she loved and he loved her as well. 

He said so. 

“How could you leave us? What about Hani?” Jessica wailed in the office while security arrived to take her away. 

“Baby, I just really have to do this,” he said. “It’s just for publicity. You know how it is.”

“Y-you promised we would get married after the drama.”

Donghae smiled and went to hug her. “We will. But not now. The right moment will come to us sooner than you think.”

But it didn’t. 

Irene married at the age of 22. So young, but she was so happy that Donghae wanted to marry her—even if it was just for show. But he had said that he loved her and would take care of her. 

The night after the wedding, they consummated the marriage. She was so new to it but he was gentle and made sure she was comfortable. Donghae did so many things to her that felt so good, and his length inside her was a sensation she had never experienced before. 

He must have done these things to Jessica too. 

A few weeks later, she felt a bit weird and hungry a lot. She was forming a bit of a belly which worried her. No one would want a fat actress...

Joohyun then remembered the night of their consummation and she quickly went to take a pregnancy test. 

I’m...pregnant? She could barely believe it. 

Being young and scared, 22 felt young to have a child, she told Donghae. He was so thrilled they would share a child together. 

Lately, he hadn’t been around much but she always assumed that it was their separate schedules keeping them apart. 

Soon, she had to take leave because her baby belly was getting in the way of things a lot. 

Her old friend Taeyeon came to help her. They had not spoken for a while since the staged marriage. Taeyeon had not been supportive of the idea at all, which she made very clear. But she was not the type to leave her friend struggling alone. 

Donghae couldn’t even stay by Irene’s side when she was extremely pregnant. 

Taeyeon was there when Irene’s water broke. 

She was the one that rushed her to the hospital at 12am in the morning. 

She was the one that rushed in breathlessly heeding the nurses to please help because her friend was about to have a baby. 

She was the one who stayed by her side during the birthing. When Irene screamed and gasped heavily in pain with every push. 

She was the one who held her hand through the struggle. 

She was the one who saw the dead baby in the nurse’s hand. 

When Donghae returned from his schedule, he had no idea that all this happened. 

Only Taeyeon could tell him the news while Irene was reduced to depression. 

Donghae tried to be sympathetic. He kissed her and held her hand. 

But then Jessica appeared at the room looking shocked and fearful. “W-where’s the baby?”

“A miscarriage,” Donghae replied quickly and Irene did not miss the faint sigh of relief in his tone. “Don’t worry.” She wasn’t sure if he said that to her or Jessica. 

Time went by after, and she knew that Donghae was still seeing Jessica. He wasn’t being very discreet about it either. His clothes would smell of Jessica’s perfume and he would often be gone except for weekends that he reserved specifically for Irene. He was so strategic. Using the weeknights as if he had so much work to do. 

Anyway, he still gave money to Jessica for their daughter. 

So she assumed that they had made arrangements about their child’s wellbeing. And convinced herself it was nothing more than parental duty. 

She wanted to believe that he only had eyes for her. 

Donghae appeared to care for Irene though. He treated her like a fragile doll. When he was home, he would hold her close and always ask her advice on things he should wear for whatever show he would be on. Or what he should wear for photo shoots. He would inquire and encourage her for her appearances on TV and new drama roles. He would cook with her, give her massages, and snuggle with her. 

He still had sex with her too, and they would spend nights where he would pleasure her and show her new things. It was fun at first. He had assured her that he still loved her no matter what. 

Then she got pregnant again. 

This time, he was here to be at her side. He held her hand and caressed her face as she wailed in agony.

Another miscarriage. 

There was something wrong though. The nurses practically kicked him out as the doctors urgently sent calls over to the emergency room. 

Soon he waited outside the ER while the doctors and surgeon had to prep her for a major surgery.

Irene was one of the few who had septic shock most likely from the dead fetus. Her blood pressure was dangerously low and she seemed delirious. She was in danger of death and the only way to save her was to remove the uterus to get rid of all infection before it would fatally affect her body. 

She would never be able to have a baby. 

She was 26 at the time. One year before Donghae brought Seungwan home. 

Donghae stayed with her while she recovered. He kissed her and whispered sweet reassurances in her ear which went unheard. Irene felt so awful inside that she could not even bear his children. 

Donghae still claimed his love for her in person, on TV, in interviews. News of her miscarriage called a lot of sympathy from around the world. 

Her husband showed her just as much affection as before. But she knew that he had had hope of having a kid with her, and it ultimately failed. Even she thought that having his baby would make him stay. But there would be no complete family now that she was unable to reproduce. 

He would still sleep with her, but she didn’t really feel like having sex. 

She felt like he was just using her as a sex machine now that she was guaranteed not to have children. 

Pretty soon, a lot of things she had pushed aside came back to light. 

All the things she had done to reach her goals. 

And that’s when she realized how far she had strayed from her initial goals. 

Now that she was older, looking back made her realize what a fool she had been all along. 

I got what I wanted, right...?

She was an actress. She was rich. She was married to an equally famous man.

She lived luxuriously. 

Was this her goal?

Was this what she wanted?

A man who claimed to love her but still had his heart bound to another lover?

People whose decisions directed her like a puppet?

A life where she sold herself for fame. But it didn’t matter because she would make lots of money doing something she loved. 

That’s what she always thought. 

She squeezed out shampoo and washed her hair. The bubbles ran down her arms and body and she imagined the filth from the sinful night disappearing with it. 

How did I end up like this?

Money. 

Power. 

Irene stared at herself in the mirror. 

“I am beautiful,” she said to herself and touched the reflection with her fingers. 

No, Irene is beautiful.

The perfect half of Joohyun. 

Joohyun was just a destroyed prototype after everything Irene had done. 

Feeling extremely bitter towards herself, she punched the reflection in the mirror. 

The shards did not cut her flesh. Cracks surrounded the crater she left in the surface and now, the woman in the mirror was broken. 

“It’s your life Joohyun. You can do whatever you want.”

Seungwan’s words played over again. 

Why did that hurt so much?

Irene still made lunch for them but she was so afraid to face Seungwan after the incident this morning. 

Never did she imagine that this would happen. And the fact that Seungwan turned away from her, not even giving her a chance—what was she saying? Of course Seungwan wouldn’t want to see her.

She was naked!

Irene swallowed nervously and slowly walked to Seungwan’s door. She rapped her knuckles against it. “Seungwan, lunch is ready,” she tried to sound normal as if nothing happened. 

But she was so guilty and fearful that Seungwan might not like her anymore. 

She had worked so hard to keep this new story clean, but everything turned to dust. 

Finally, the door opened and Seungwan appeared obviously trying to act normal too. 

Irene tried to smile. “I made chicken.”

Seungwan still returned the smile, bringing hope back into the woman’s chest. 

She wanted to apologize, but she didn’t know how. And she certainly wasn’t going to bring it up during meal time. 

So she waited until after lunch as they washed and dried dishes together. 

But she still couldn’t bring herself to say it. 

What if Seungwan would be disgusted again? She didn’t want her to turn away.

“Hey...do you think we could play with the bubbles again?” Irene asked. 

Seungwan nodded and went to go get the bottle while Irene opened the balcony door.

The sun was hanging high above them casting a warm light in the comfortable breeze. 

She still remembered the first day she brought Seungwan back. How Irene had made a vow to make everything right. 

How she wanted to be a better person. 

How she wanted to prove to herself that she wasn’t the bad person from before. 

That she could be Joohyun and not Irene. 

The younger girl finally returned and handed her the bubble formula. She was purposefully avoiding Irene’s gaze. 

“I’m...I’m really sorry about earlier,” Irene stammered after they had made a few bubbles. 

The dog wasn’t here this time so it was quiet as the floating globes disappeared from view. 

Seungwan didn’t look at her. “It’s fine.”

“No it wasn’t. I was drunk...and it wasn’t right.”

“He’s your boyfriend,” Seungwan said shortly. “So I don’t know why you’re apologizing.” She dipped the bubble wand back into the formula and screwed the lid on. 

“Seungwan...we’re not dating.” 

“If you’re gonna keep talking about it, I’m going back in.” Seungwan held the bottle to her. “You can keep using this. I have homework.”

And Irene was left watching Seungwan’s back disappear behind the bedroom door.

Her heart fell and she stared at the blue bottle of bubbles. 

She didn’t want Seungwan to leave her alone like this.

—

Irene was glad that Seungwan was old enough to stay home on her own. 

It was probably good for her too since it seemed that she wasn’t too keen on talking to Joohyun for now. 

She hoped things would blow over eventually. 

She had no idea that trying to apologize for the incident would cause the girl to be upset. 

Well...Seungwan was still young and didn’t really need to know the details...

Anyway, she was on her way to meet Donghae, who surprisingly agreed immediately to her arrangement. 

Now, they sat in a coffee shop, neither touching their drinks as the bustle moved all around them. 

“How’s Jessica?” Irene started with small talk. 

“She’s fine,” he replied, “got called for main lead in an American film.” Oh right. Jessica could English. 

“What did you want to talk about?” Donghae asked. 

“Let’s divorce.”

He seemed surprised at such a forward statement. “Is that your choice to make?”

Irene glared at him. “You’re one to talk. Is it your choice to hold me against my will?” She retorted. 

He held his hands up in defense. “Hey, it was the managers not me.”

“We agreed to this together,” she reminded him, quoting him. 

“So you and Sehun hitting off well?” He tried to change the subject. 

“I’m just doing what the managers want,” she replied coldly. “As you know very well for yourself.”

Donghae shrugged indifferently. 

“You should stay with Jessica. Let’s get divorced,” Irene said firmly. 

“What about Seungwan?” He asked. 

“She’s not related to this.”

“Have you told her about us?”

Irene growled irritably and gripped her drink tightly. “Seungwan is none of your business. She’s well taken care of.”

“You should have let me take her back to the foster care. She doesn’t need to be involved with our issues.”

“She isn’t. As far as she knows, you don’t exist.”

Donghae eyebrows rose up. “Wow. You sure play dirty Irene. You lied to the kid?”

She laughed bitterly. “You’re such a hypocrite. You claimed to love me yet you lied to me too.”

His eyes darkened. “I did love you.”

“Not enough to let go of Jessica.” She inhaled deeply and checked her watch. “I must be going. We spent too long chatting.”

Irene stood up abruptly without waiting for an answer. “Take care of your family.”

“You take care of yourself,” he retorted. “Stop blaming other people for your problems. You chose this life. Don’t make Seungwan something to just drag around because you feel sorry for yourself.”

“Mind your own business!” She spat scornfully. “You brought her into our home! I’m just making sure—“

“You’re just making sure she remains a fool,” Donghae finished. “You can’t redeem yourself, dear. It is already too late and your little universe is going to collapse. And she’ll hate you for it either way.”

A few hours later, Joohyun found herself sitting in her car parked In the garage with a full bottle of the finest red wine from the local winery. 

“Only the best for a gorgeous woman like yourself,” the owner had grinned and made sure his fingers brushed against hers. 

She smiled and walked away knowing that he was watching her hungrily. 

Stupid men.

She managed to pop off the cork and immediately went to work. The deceptive sweet flavor filled her taste buds and she downed about a third of the way like water. 

She wiped her mouth with her hand and stared at the bottle. It wasn’t the finest for nothing. 

Donghae’s words bothered her though. He had no right to offer his opinion. He was the one who wanted to heartlessly throw Seungwan back in to the place for orphaned kids. 

I’m making sure she’s safe from that life, Irene told herself. I’m not heartless. I’m not the person I was before she lost her memory...

I’m better than Donghae. Better than Jess. 

Better than Sehun. 

She continued drinking the whole bottle while telling herself over and over that Seungwan appreciated her efforts to care for her. Seungwan would understand. 

Seungwan would have to believe she was a nice person that cared enough to take her in. 

I want to be a better person. 

Soon, it was over and her head buzzed with thoughts of Seungwan and all the new memories she had made for her. 

The shining bubbles under the sunlight flashed in her mind, how happy they had been. The nights when they curled up together so Seungwan wouldn’t have those nightmares again...

I was there with her. I am a good person. 

Irene dropped the bottle on the garage floor with a loud crash and sauntered to the lobby with a wide smile on her face. 

She wanted to see the girl. 

She wanted to hear the girl tell her that she did well for once. 

She wanted the girl to be close to her, the one person that might be permanent forever. 

You’re just making sure she remains a fool, Donghae’s voice invaded her mind. 

Fool? What fool? The only fool was him and everyone else for thinking they could make her a puppet to their desires. 

It had been a while since Joohyun left in the mid afternoon for some meeting. Or so she claimed. 

But now it was late. 

Seungwan ate dinner alone tonight, which was nice because she didn’t really know how to not feel awkward knowing that she had seen Joohyun and Sehun naked. 

To keep from having that awful recollection, she read a book while eating and then went to wash up. 

Seungwan was just finishing her homework when the front door slammed loudly. 

She was about to go greet Joohyun because she felt bad about being so short with her the other day. It was an apology, and she was willing to accept as long as they didn’t bring it up again. 

She didn’t want to know about Joohyun and Sehun’s personal affairs. 

Seungwan walked out of her room, her mouth preparing to greet her, but she was shocked to find a heavily disheveled woman standing before her. 

“Oh Seunngwannnniiiieee~” Joohyun called out obnoxiously. “Where have you been? Joohyun’s been waiting for youuuuwu~”

Seungwan gaped at her with wide eyes and instinctively began to back away into her room again. 

There was a distinctive smell of fermented grapes about her. Was she drinking?

“Where are you going?” Joohyun whined and shuffled forward unsteadily. She lurched forward and Seungwan thought she was going to fall but the drunk woman giggled silly. “Hahaha! I almost fell!”

“Joohyun? W-what’s going on?” She knew the question was stupid. She knew what was happening but what prompted her to drink herself this drunk?

“Awww Seungwannie, I knew you were worried!” She drew near and clamped her hands over the girl’s cheeks. “So cute!”

Seungwan pried her off and stared at her flushed cheeks and shining eyes that were certainly glazed over from the alcohol. 

She took another step back as Joohyun approached. The smell from the wine was strong. 

Soon, the back of her knees hit the edge of her bed and she toppled backwards. “Seungwannie where are you going?” Joohyun whined again and practically collapsed on top of her, pushing the wind out of Seungwan’s lungs. 

“Joohyun, p-please get off,” Seungwan tried to remain calm. 

“I wanna stay where you are!” Joohyun protested and hugged her tightly. “So soft~”

“That’s because you’re squishing me!” Seungwan wheezed and tried to push her off gently. But Joohyun was a fully grown adult. Despite being slim, she was still heavy. 

“Seungwan, Joohyun takes good care of you right? Right?”

“Y-Yeah...?” Seungwan now found herself uncomfortably crushed and trapped underneath the drunk woman. She was anxious to get away. The smell of the alcohol was rank and she turned her face away while Joohyun giggled and coddled her. 

“Yes! Ding ding ding! I win!” She continued laughing like she was having the time of her laugh. “Joohyun always takes care of everyone! Not Irene—she’s a bad girl. But I’m a good girl!”

Seungwan stared at her feeling unease stirring inside. Irene was a bad girl? She knew Irene was a stage name...but it sounded like a persona when Joohyun talked like this. 

In fact she had never seen the woman act like this. 

First sex. Now this...

But soon, the woman began sniffling uncontrollably and she slumped forward with her face buried in Seungwan’s neck. 

“Seungwan, please tell me I’m not a bad person,” she begged. “That I did well for taking you in...I’m not selfish...”

She never did have a chance to reply, and it was by certain fortune too. 

Joohyun had finally fallen asleep.

Seungwan once felt comforted with Joohyun’s warmth, but this was not the same. 

Joohyun went to a meeting and then got drunk. 

Joohyun went to meet with Sehun and then had sex. 

She didn’t know what to think then. Joohyun was doing stuff under the radar expecting Seungwan not to know. 

The younger girl sighed and managed to roll them over so the older woman lay on her back. Joohyun groaned but did not wake. 

Seungwan sighed and covered her with a spare blanket, still making sure she was comfortable for the night. 

She didn’t want to smell the wine so she slept in Joohyun’s room (also because she didn’t want to sleep on the sofa where the two adults had sex). 

She still remembered when she first met Joohyun. The woman looked so cold but was always calm and caring towards her. 

Joohyun did take care of her, and was so attentive to her needs in the beginning. 

Seungwan was grateful to her, but she still didn’t know why they were together. Joohyun only said they were close, but what incident brought them together?

They weren’t related by blood. How did Joohyun find her?

Those were just some of many questions that were unanswered. And since Joohyun did not seem to feel comfortable answering these, she decided to let it go. 

Just live. 

But now, Time was passing. Since the private dinner (when Seungwan passed out), things didn’t seem the same anymore. 

Joohyun was still kind, but she also seemed different. The younger girl didn’t know how to classify this. Joohyun was acting weird. Bringing back a man and now drinking, and...not telling Seungwan certain things—getting mad during that once instance when she had asked the woman about the fashion event. 

She buried her nose in Joohyun’s pillow. The familiar scent calmed her even though the woman had just given her a scare. 

She didn’t have any nightmares that night. 

—

The next morning, Seungwan awoke a little earlier because she had a feeling Joohyun wouldn’t be up until late. 

She washed up and changed before making breakfast. Eggs and toast, and some soup for Joohyun. Seungwan had searched up tips on a simple thing to make for a drunk person, and chicken noodle soup was somewhere on the list. She went to the pantry and popped open a can to empty into a small pot. Once it was boiling, she dropped an egg in for Joohyun too, and then ate her own breakfast. 

When Irene finally appeared, she looked awful. Her hair, her face, her eyes...she looked really tired. 

“Joohyun!” Seungwan did her best to be cheerful. “I...I made breakfast.”

The latter barely responded as she headed to the bathroom with a fresh set of clothes in her arms. “T-thanks...” and the bathroom door slammed shut. 

Maybe she’s still not sober...Seungwan mused and chomped on her toast. 

Finally, the older woman came back out, her hair damp but otherwise looking better than before. Seungwan served her a bowl of the soup. The egg had cooked up and Seungwan added a little pepper for taste. She hoped it was suitable for Joohyun’s condition. 

Speaking of which, the woman was still pretty out of it. Or maybe she was embarrassed. 

“Do you feel better?” Seungwan asked. 

“Yes...thank you Seungwan.”

“I’ll wash. You can rest.” The younger girl stood up with the dishes and went to clean them up in the sink. Luckily Joohyun did not argue. 

She seemed worried. 

“I...I still have a test to study for,” Seungwan told her once she finished the chore. “Maybe—“

“Seungwan I’m so sorry.”

“I told you, it’s fine.” She thought Joohyun was talking about being found with Sehun. 

Joohyun did not meet her eyes. “Go do your homework.”

Seungwan hesitated for a moment but decided to retreat into her room. She cracked open her textbooks and got to work, but the sudden apology still lingered in her mind. 

What else was she sorry for?

—

Seungwan followed Joohyun to a bustling crowd of crazy EXO fans screaming their heads off before the concert even started. She gulped nervously, wondering why Joohyun thought this would be a good idea to drag her along. 

“He got us VIP seats,” Joohyun replied. “I had a plus one so I chose you.”

Seungwan didn’t like the big crowd. They easily passed through the long line with VIP passes and entered a large open roof stadium with even more people crammed inside. 

She grabbed onto Joohyun’s arm when a couple people shoved their way from behind. Someone could easily get lost in here. 

And she certainly did not want to be lost alone. Things could happen unseen to other people in such a big place. 

“How long is the concert?”

“It’s all of SM so maybe a few hours.”

“Oh.” Seungwan glanced at the older woman, whose jaw was set tight. She didn’t look so happy to be here, Seungwan mused. “Are you ok?”

“Just enjoy it alright?” Joohyun replied. She led Seungwan to their VIP seats which provided the best view and proximity of the stage. 

Soon, the stadium was filled with loud chatter. 

How can anyone hear anything in here? Seungwan’s wars felt fuzzy inside from the consistent echoing murmurs. 

Suddenly, a loud bang went off and smoke shot up into the air on stage. 

The concert was just beginning. 

It was hella loud. 

And the crowd around Seungwan kept singing along in tune and out of tune while every group danced and performed their hit songs. 

Seungwan saw Sehun on stage. He and his members danced hard and sang hard and rapped hard. Then it was over. 

Then Taeyeon appeared with her song called Four Seasons, which Seungwan liked only because it was Taeyeon. She was so cool and calm up there. No dance too, just singing. 

And the next groups came on. 

Finally, it was over. The entire SM cast was on stage and singing a closing ballad song to thank everyone for supporting them tonight. 

Then Sehun walked down the stairs and held his hand out for Joohyun. 

All of this was caught on camera to be pasted on the big screen. 

The entire stadium cheered and whooped as Joohyun stood up to accept his hand.

Seungwan saw how happy she looked on the big screen, and Sehun wrapped an arm around the woman’s waist to lead her up onto the stage. 

Seungwan felt slightly betrayed. What is the meaning of this?

Joohyun was making her watch them be affectionate. Hell, Seungwan already knew what they were up to. 

She crossed her arms over her chest and the rest of the closer passed by like nothing. 

Now, she and Joohyun were backstage waiting for him obviously because why else would they be here?

Seungwan saw Taeyeon, and the singer waved at her but did not stay to talk. 

“Irene!” Sehun called from where he stood among his members. He broke away and embraced her. “I’m so glad you could come.” He glanced at Seungwan. “Hey thanks for coming.”

“You were great,” Irene smiled. 

Sehun’s eyes brightened. “Thanks. We worked really hard this year.”

Later, Sehun walked them out to the parking lot. He held Joohyun’s hand, and they talked about the concert and future plans. 

“We’re touring in America for the summer,” he said. “You taking up any new dramas?”

“I’ve been waiting for the right one.” She glances at Seungwan. “Wait a little. I need to talk with Sehun.”

“Ok.” Seungwan stopped while the adults headed off to the side for a normal private conversation. The stadium had emptied out by now and security were still flaming every part to keep out crazy fans. 

So there was no worry about an ambush for now. 

She sat in the car but purposefully did not securely close the car door. 

The two adults were still close by outside within hearing range. 

“This is the last date, Sehun,” she heard Joohyun say. “I gave you what you wanted.”

“Wait...but don’t you like me?” He sounded shocked. “I thought...”

“This was just for public image. Nothing more. We’re finished.”

Sehun spluttered. “What the fuck?”

“You did well tonight. And you have gained a lot of attention. Now do me a favor and stay away.”

“You can’t just walk away like this!” He snapped. “I forgave you about the other night. But you just want to forget about all this?”

“Yes.”

Sehun seemed at a loss as he searched for words. “What about the girl? Is that for show too?”

“She’s not your business.”

“She’s not your daughter and you didn’t adopt her. Donghae said he was going to take her back yet you overwrote his decision. You...of all people—you wouldn’t just do that for anyone, would you?”

Seungwan wished she had kept the car door closed as Joohyun advised. 

She didn’t like the way this was sounding at all. 

“I’m not sending her back to a life wondering where her next home will be.”

Sehun laughed scornfully. “I was about to say that maybe you were having a questionable relationship with her.”

“I’m doing her a favor.”

Seungwan gripped her fist. A favor? I thought she cared about me!

“You really know how to play your way with men.”

“I’m an actress,” Joohyun quipped.

His steps crackled again the crumbly ground and Joohyun finally entered the car in a very bad mood. 

“Sorry for making you wait,” she said.

“It’s ok.”

But Seungwan didn’t know if it was ok. She should be glad that Joohyun was cutting off whatever relationship she had with Sehun. 

The only thing was how Joohyun so easily said one thing but then turned around to say something else. 

I guess she really is an actress.

—


	6. Chapter 6

Seungwan felt like a stranger now. Or maybe she felt like Joohyun was a stranger now. 

She had witnessed firsthand the extent of Irene’s work and how skillful she was in playing her part whether or not on film. 

So the night returning from the concert she stayed away from her because she felt a little uneasy around her. It was hard to tell what she was really like. Joohyun was so tense before the concert, then happy and overjoyed at Sehun’s side on stage, and then cold and telling him to leave her alone at the end. At this rate, Joohyun could be putting up a facade to her right now. 

Besides, there were so many missing holes in Seungwan’s identity and how she and Joohyun were close. 

Nothing made sense and Joohyun certainly wasn’t going to answer any of her questions. She had tried asking with failed results. Joohyun would get annoyed and snap, which Seungwan hated so she refrained from provoking her. Why can't I know?

Does she really care about me then?

She recalled the sweet moments they’d spent together. Joohyun had been there when she woke up from her coma.

But whenever she tried to remember anything before then, she just couldn’t find anything. There was nothing. 

“Hey.”

Seungwan would have pretended to be asleep but Joohyun already could see she was awake. “Hey,” she replied. 

Joohyun stepped in and sat on the bedside. “Sleeping here?” 

Seungwan hummed in agreement, her uncertain feelings about Joohyun making her feel uncomfortable with the closeness she once welcomed. 

“Taeyeon was happy to see you,” the older woman continued as if in an attempt to ignore the tense moments not too long ago. 

“I was glad to see her too.”

A long silence ensued between them and Seungwan was very aware that Joohyun was watching her intensely, expectantly. 

Something felt horribly off. 

I’m doing her a favor, she remembered Joohyun telling Sehun when he questioned her living arrangement with Seungwan. 

And so she asked the question that people seemed to stumble upon in an existential crisis. 

Why am I here?

But she never said it aloud, knowing she had no answer available to her. 

“Good night,” Joohyun murmured and shut off the lights leaving her alone in darkness. 

—

It was raining this morning and Seungwan felt particularly disappointed because she didn’t like walking around in the rain. 

Joohyun took her to school this morning as she also had a meeting to attend later. The ride was quietly ominous and Seungwan wondered if word had gotten around school already about the passing events of the weekend. 

“Wait for me. I’ll pick you up,” Joohyun told her as she headed out. “I don’t want you to get sick.”

“Ok.”

Seulgi was waiting for her as usual, in a bright yellow raincoat. She gave her a friendly smile and Seungwan managed to return it as she joined her under the large umbrella. “Thanks,” she said to her friend as they walked in. 

The rain was pattering louder now and beginning to soak Seungwan’s shoes. 

“This is gonna be a bad storm,” Seulgi said worriedly. 

Seungwan glanced at the sky, which was obscured by dark grey clouds that looked heavy with rain and thunder rolled far away, as if confirming Seulgi’s words. 

—

“Hey Irene, it’s Donghae, I know you don’t want to see me now. I just wanted to check if you’re ok after what Sehun did...”

Irene sat in her car listening to the same voicemail over and over again. By now the words become nothing to her ears as she stared absently at the world flushed by this awful rain. 

She remembered seeing it spread like wildfire on the internet. 

At least Seungwan hadn’t seen it yet. Irene made sure to not let her have too much access to social media so she would not be exposed to the fucked up world of Irene Bae. But she was so famous that it didn't seem impossible for the girl to find out in other ways. Gossip must be raging at school, and all printed media were sure to address the events following the concert.

Anyway, she didn’t know why Donghae even bothered now. It had been planned to have this scandal for the benefit of EXO. There was nothing to worry about. The life of scandal and rumor-making was so normal to her she almost didn’t care anymore. 

“To think that you and I might have had a chance, only for me to be left alone on the other side. Have you no heart? I was ready for you, and now I am broken. Why you would choose her over me?”

That fucking idiot, she gripped the wheel tightly. 

The comments were on fire, criticizing Irene for the most part. Some others were ridiculing Sehun for overblowing the situation and not knowing how to take rejection.

The last line bothered her most. 

Why would you choose her over me? 

That was truly uncallled for - making Irene to be a lesbian, which she wasn’t as far as she was concerned. And to whom was he referring to?

Seungwan?

So there sparked more room for netizens and stupid media to create yet another scandal, but this time of Irene’s alleged lesbianism. 

Finally, the hour struck and she exited the car, wearing a pair of sunglasses even in the rain as she shielded herself with an umbrella. 

She entered the building of the company that had signed her all these years and turned her into a global star. 

People greeted her, treated her like royalty—but not today. Now wary stares followed her as she walked down the hallway. Irene mused to herself that all it took was one word or more of an alleged rumor to destroy someone's reputation. Even if it were not true, the fact that it was brought up made room for speculation.

South Korea was not very open about sexuality much less homosexuality. So if in the event she was pinned a lesbian, there would definitely be repercussions. 

Plus, if Seungwan unfortunately got wound up in the news, they might accuse Irene of being a disgusting pedophile. 

Just as she was exiting the elevator, she passed by Taeyeon who seemed as grim as her life itself. 

She locked eyes with her old friend and they stopped for a moment. But Taeyeon didn’t say anything and continued walking away. 

Irene headed into the office only to be caught off guard as her eyes lay on the person she really didn’t want to see right now.

“Hello, Irene,” Donghae said. 

“You didn’t tell me he was here,” Irene said to her manager.

“That doesn’t matter. What matters is the deal we made from the beginning.”

—

Seungwan realized the weight of being associated with a very famous celebrity and the burden of having to suffer from the consequences of being part of Joohyun’s life. 

Students avoided her and others jeered at her. She cast a nervous glance at her friends Seulgi, Joy, and Yerim wondering if they thought the same as what the others were saying. 

Lesbian, dyke, a bastard...

Everything possible in the book of profanity and bullying. 

“Ignore them,” Joy said but Seungwan couldn’t. 

She saw the Instagram post to which they were referring to. 

How could she not?

Papers and papers of Sehun’s poetic stupidity and rumor of Irene being lesbian was all over school. The guy must have fallen so hard for the actress that he couldn't take her rejection. Seungwan remembered that night clearly, the heated argument and his anger that Joohyun/Irene told him to stay away for good. That made her wonder if that was what stardom was all about - the scandals and fake dating. It seemed that people would do about just anything to reach the top, even if it meant lying.

Finally, during lunch break, Seungwan was slammed into the lockers with a force that made her body ache. 

“Did you like my welcome back present, bitch?” Hani sneered in her face. 

“Hey! Fuck off!” Yerim tried to pry her off but Hani kicked her away easily. 

“This is between us only!” Hani growled her grip tight on Seungwan’s shoulders. “I’m going to enjoy this so so sooooo much!” 

Seungwan was filled with rage that Hani attacked her friend who had done nothing to deserve this trouble. She clenched her fist and with blinding speed she never knew she had, instigated the first hit. A loud satisfying my crack resonated in the hallway as her fist crashed into Hani’s cheek. 

Unfortunately, that did not seem to have affected her much though the area became red. She grinned maliciously and rolled up her sleeves, her eyes shining with ill intent and what Seungwan would have deemed mad insanity.

Hani charged and Seungwan barely managed to dodge. She tripped over her own feet and fell out into the open rain, her clothes already soaking from the fall. Desperately, she scrabbled to her feet but Hani straddled her and punched her face over and over and over again. 

“I’m gonna ruin that bitch forever!” She screeched. “I hate her! I hate her!”

Seungwan tried to block the blows, but a hard one to the side of her head dazed her slightly.

Blood gushed from her nose and mouth. Her left eye was horribly bruised and the pain began to feel like nothing as she stared up at the grey sky pouring down on them. 

“She never deserved him! She never will! She fucked up my life and she’s gonna pay for it!” Hani howled. 

The anger in Hani’s face looked so familiar, and she had a faint inkling that they had gone through this once before. 

An image materialized before her, sitting in front of a man in a stuffy room while the old fan still circulated no air. 

You’re going to a new home.

Why did it feel so familiar?

She remembered a large villa, a man pushing her towards Joohyun, who looked so much different. So cold. 

The man exclaimed that she was their new kid to keep her company. 

Joohyun told him this should never have happened, and she wanted nothing to do with the girl. 

How did you like having a kid with me?

We didn’t have one, Donghae. 

Do what you want with the girl.

She doesn’t want me. 

No one does. 

“Hey! Hey! Get off her!”

—

“Irene, we gave you freedom, but you cannot go against the deal we made,” the manager said. “Donghae is willing to commit again to help us. We need to get rid of the rumors before you lose anymore of your fan base. While most are still in support of you, it is slowly declining.”

He showed her reports of fans burning her pictures and merchandise. Others were posting hate messages on TWOTTER and Instagram.

Irene stared at them for a long time. 

“Irene, this is important. You’re one of our best and we can not afford to lose you. Besides, you worked so hard for all this. Don’t let it slip away.”

“...”

“Irene, I will devote myself to you completely. I promise. Jessica was the past. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

They continued telling her so many things, warning her of the consequences and what she would lose in the end after all this hard work to make it. 

She didn’t know what to do. 

“Irene, you have to let go of the girl. We will enroll her in a prestigious boarding school so all her needs will be met.”

“S-Seungwan?” She said in a daze. All the information was coming at her too fast. 

“Yes. We need to fix this problem now before it escalates quickly.”

Irene stared at the blank board behind her manager. 

I’m in danger?

Me? 

She frowned. I have all the money in the world. What does it matter if a scandal ruins me?

Scandals happen all the time.

“Why does she have to go?” She said slowly. 

Donghae seemed thoughtful. “She doesn’t have to go yet. Until she graduates.”

“You lost us money by turning down appearances and opportunities,” the manager answered her question. “While I am glad your taking your “parental duties” seriously, it’s getting in the way of your real job. And we can't have people accusing you of being a lesbian. That is highly unacceptable.”

Oh...

Irene began to feel anxious. They weren’t going to let her say no. She was pretty sure this scandal could be cleared up because Sehun had turned out to be drunk that night after the concert. He wrecked a bar and had to make a public apology to everyone. 

But it seemed that the scandal really wasn’t the case. 

They weren’t going to let her go from their grasp. 

“How much would it cost to pay my way out of this?” She said instead. 

“We don’t want your money, dear,” the manager said. “We need you.”

Irene felt so small as the two men stared at her intently, wanting her to agree right now. She tried to be strong and not appear alarmed.

In that moment, she tried to weigh out the pros and cons but to no avail. She hardly made it past a second point because she didn't know why she thought she could do all these things in the first place. Of course, money was the reason she should do this. She needed to have a job to keep living, and she couldn't see herself doing anything but what she had aspired to do all her life. Yet with all the money in the world...

Irene felt trapped. Suddenly, she really didn't want to be here.

Her past conversations with Taeyeon replayed in the back of her mind. Taeyeon had been right, always. I'm doing what everyone wants. And it's all my fault - that was all she could think as dread filled her chest.

If only she had never fallen for Donghae those years ago. If only she hadn't agreed to the deal, and told him to marry Jessica, the woman of his dreams at the time. If only she had clung on to reality and morality -

No. If she hadn't been so ambitious, she would never have gone this route.

But it was too late to find out if she could have made it without him and her debut film.

Her phone rang just at the right moment and she excused herself quickly. “I must take this phone call.”

“Good day, Miss Bae, this Principal Seo calling about Son Seungwan. Please come to my office as soon as possible.”

—

Seungwan grimaced as her face still pounded with fiery pain from the latest beating. The nurse had finished tending to her wounds and even had to snap her nose back in place because it broke during the fight.

While Seungwan had gotten the worst of the beating, she was proud of the welt she left in Hani’s cheek. 

Now they were in the principal’s office, drenched from wrestling in the rain. 

And they were in very big trouble. 

The principal had already called both their parents to come over immediately because this incident had gotten out of hand. 

Seungwan was beat up pretty badly and Hani’s anger management was hardly contained

“I made that restraining order for a reason,” Principal Seo told them sternly. “And you went against my orders.” She gave both girls glares of disappointment. “Why did you fight so brutally?”

Seungwan avoided her gaze and chose instead to focus on a spot on the desk. 

“Seungwan?” She prompted. And after no answer she looked to Hani. “What about you, Hani?”

When she did not get an answer, she leaned back in her chair which creaked eerily. “Perhaps you can tell me why when your guardians come. Speak of the devil...”

Jessica was the first to arrive, but she did not look angry. She looked more sad and horrified the moment she laid eyes on Seungwan. “Afternoon, Miss Seo,” she greeted her quickly. “I apologize for my daughter’s behavior.”

Seungwan noted that Hani’s mom seemed to know what might have gone on as if this somehow happened before. 

“Actions have already been made,” the principal said. “‘Sorry’s’ won’t solve this problem now, Miss Jung. We will wait for Miss Bae to arrive before we discuss the next course of action.”

Irene was glad the rain had lightened up. She neglected to bring the umbrella in her rush to get to Seungwan’s school. A call from the principal was never good. 

“I’m so sorry,” she said as she entered. “I was in a meeting.”

Irene froze for a moment when she saw Jessica but there was no time for being enemies as the case before them involved the minors. The latter avoided her gaze and Irene almost cried out in horror when she saw the state of Seungwan’s face. 

“Now that your guardians are here,” Principal Seo continued. “Perhaps one of you can tell us the reason for your fight.”

No one said anything. Seungwan looked more fearful and confused, while Hani was clearly angry. 

“Well?” She prompted. 

Neither party said anything. 

The principal seemed resigned but still firm. “Since you can’t tell us the reason now, I expect you to work out your differences under the supervision of both your guardians. This cannot keep happening.”

“I will not tolerate violence in my school,” she continued. “I’m not sure who started it but it is evident that this matter has escalated beyond my orders. You will both be suspended for a week. If this happens again I will have you both expelled.”

“...”

“Do you hear me?” 

“Yes Miss Seo,” Hani and Seungwan chorused. 

Irene did not miss the look of hatred Hani cast towards her as they exited the office. She ignored it and instead focused on Seungwan, who seemed very wary. It wasn’t surprising considering how badly Hani beat her. 

While it was wrong for Hani to attack Seungwan, Irene did not blame her for hating the person who stole her father. 

I...am the bad person.

They returned home quietly and Irene made Seungwan sit down on the bed so she could inspect the damage. 

The girl didn’t speak much, but let Irene fuss over her. 

“I’m so sorry, Seungwan. Jessica and I are going to work something out.” Irene cupped Seungwan’s face in her hands and hugged her close. 

“Joohyun...you’re married, aren’t you?”

Irene was caught off guard but didn’t give it away. “Don’t listen to gossip.”

“But he brought me to you, didn’t he? I’m...I wasn’t supposed to be here...” she sounded so uncertain. 

Now Irene was becoming afraid as she realized that Seungwan may be capable of regaining her memories. However, the girl didn’t sound too confident in her statements so maybe Irene could -

I am lying to her....she remembered Taeyeon’s warnings. 

I don’t want her to hate me, she realized desperately. 

Why does it matter so much? 

Why will it hurt if Seungwan slips from me?

“Who are you?” 

Irene never would have imagined the pain of being unrecognizable to the person in her arms right now. 

But she still clung on to hope this would pass. “Hani must have hit you hard. You need to rest.”

“Do you really care about me?” Seungwan asked as if she hadn’t heard her. 

“Yes.”

“Then...when will you tell me the truth?” Seungwan moved away from her so Irene had to let go. The woman was afraid of what she would see in the girl's eyes, but all she saw was confusion.

Irene chose her words carefully, not wanting to have to answer the question now. It was too soon for things to become unfurled now, especially since she wasn't ready for confrontation.

"Seungwan, I - I have to..." But she couldn't find words to answer the question.

How could I have kept her fooled? she thought bitterly. Seungwan would have found out somehow later if not now.

"It was never supposed to be like this," Irene said softly.

She knew Seungwan was expecting more - a better answer, but Irene didn't have the guts to expose herself. Yet she also couldn't let Seungwan find out the truth from someone else.

Nevertheless, everything Irene had done gave Seungwan a right to hate her.

In fact, Taeyeon was correct in a way again. Irene always thought she had done this for the sake of Seungwan's well-being. She gave the girl a place to call home, someone to come home to just for a little.

She couldn't have kept up this perfect world. Sheltering Seungwan would have poven to be useless later on. Hani will never leave her alone as long as we all exist. She remembered the hostility in Hani's eyes, the anger she bore to the world because of what Irene started. Jessica was supposed to get married after the film. Hani was supposed to have a father to be there for her.

Irene stripped all of that away from them.

And she had done just the same to Seungwan in a way - as a way to save herself. She had to be thankful that the amnesiac girl had been ready to take in her words without question.

I am no better than I was before, Irene realized.

Maybe Seungwan would have been better off without her. If Donghae had never brought her to their home, she would never have to experience this tumultuous drama.

She could have lived in peace if the accident killed her instead.

The darkest thought quickly broke Irene from her thoughts. It was so wrong to think that Seungwan would have been better off dead. She remembered that day she found her in crimson water with seven open slits cut into her arm.

Two times, Seungwan had almost faded away from her.

Now, as she stared back at Seungwan's dark eyes searching for answers, she felt that they were ever so distant again, just like before.

\--

Irene walked down the main street searching for Jessica's car, where they were to meet to discuss the problem at hand. Finally, she saw the black sheen and a woman with large sunglasses sitting behind the wheel. Jessica unlcoked the door for her and she sat down in the passenger seat beside her.

Now, in any drama, this woudl have been a bad idea. Who knows what madness the other party had up their sleeve? But this was not fiction, and she knew Jessica still had ethics.

"How is she?" Jessica asked bluntly.

"Seungwan's fine."

The latter started the car and they headed off down the street to avoid unwanted attention. Luckily, Jessica's windows were tinted so it would be difficult for outside passers to view them together.

"And you?" Jessica continued after taking a left.

"This is about Seungwan and Hani, not me," Irene said curtly.

The rest of the car ride was quiet until they arrived at a private destination. The security guard motioned for her to open the window, and when Jessica pulled off her sunshades, they let thme in right away without question.

"This was supposed to be our home," Jessica told Irene as she headed up the pathway to a luxurious home that looked like the one Irene had once shared with Donghae. "He gave it to me as a parting gift before he left for you."

"Why are we here?" Irene demanded once she had parked the car in the driveway. A butler appeared to cover the nice car with a canvas sheet.

"Don't worry. Hani is at my sister's home. They get along so well, you can't even tell that Hani is such an angry girl. I think she likes Krys more than me." Jessica unlocked the door and allowed Irene into the house first.

She hesitated for a few seconds, wondering if perhaps there might be a chance of a sinister plan, but she decided not to let her discomfort show. Besides, she had a schedule to be at, making an appearance on the comedy show SNL - Korea so she couldn't stay long. And she cleared up the evening to spend time with Seungwan for a little.

"He still pays a portion to support Hani. That's why I can still afford all of this aside from my own income," Jessica began once they were sitting together at a table on the veranda overlooking the large property. A maid came and brought tea for them with some sandwiches. While they looked good, Irene refrained from touching anything. "I spoke with him recently. He said you wanted to divorce."

"Yes."

"Why now?" Jessica seemed suspicious. "I thought you loved him."

Irene returned the cold look. "We're supposed to be addressing the problem."

"The root of the problem is you."

"I know."

Jessica took a long siip of her tea. "A long time ago, I would have told you I hated you and wanted you dead. I may have even planned how I could have my revenge on you, but then I realized that that wouldn't help anyone. It only made me feel better for a little bit. Like drinking. Donghae had alwyas promised to return, and I believed him because I wanted it to be true.

He always said it was something that he had to do, for the company and for the fans. But I think he really was in love with you, despite his denial," Jessica continued. "Sometimes I wonder if things had been different if you did not have the lead role along his side."

"Do you still love him?" Irene asked her.

Jessica gave her a smile that didn't meet her eyes. "Even if I did, he would never come back. He couldn't."

After a tense silence, Jessica pushed the untouched cup of tea towards Irene, urging her to drink. She was about to decline at first, imagining that it might be poisoned after what Jessica told her. However, she knew that the latter was not a bad person. Besides, Jessica knew that Seungwan was a part of Irene's life and would certinaly not let an innocent child to an ill fate.

"Seungwan is very different from other people you've known, right?" Jessica changed the subject. "I spoke with her the night of the Christmas party before...anyway, she's very pure. Very precious."

Irene's eyes narrowed. "I don't want Hani attacking Seungwan like that again."

The latter laughed, light as butterflies, and she fixed Irene with such coldness. "It's all business to you, isn't it, Irene? All of this. First, Donghae, and now Sehun. What do you get out of such a dirty path, dear?"

Joohyun's jaw tensed but she held her tongue, not wanting to get into a fight since they were supposed to be talking things out. She already regretted all her decisions up till now.

"When will it stop?" Jessica finally said. "You can't keep going on like this forever, Irene."

"..."

"As for Seungwan, I feel very sorry for her living arrangement with you. I hope you will consider my words. This is not healthy for either of you."

Irene knew she was right, but she didn't want to hear someone tell her that Seungwan shouldn't be with her. Why was everyone trying to make Seungwan disappear from her life? "Just make sure Hani leaves her alone," Irene said abruptly. "I have to go now."

Jessica seemed to know that she hit a tender spot. "Yes, I'll take you back."

...These days, I don’t know, I don’t know you  
You look like you gave up on a lot of things  
But I hear your silent scream  
Tell me what to do

Lovers without extreme development  
Is this the losing hand that time has placed?  
We haven’t ended it but it’s already over  
Tell me what to do

There’s a knot that can’t be untied  
In front of us

I’ll go to you first  
At the end of a different road  
I’ll wipe your cheeks that are  
wet with tears and ask you

Tell me what to do  
Tell me what to do whoa  
Tell me what to do  
Tell me what to do whoa

You don’t tell me but you want me to know  
You think that you only gave the words you threw  
at me because you’re too used to me  
Tell me what to do

Indifferent and painful words  
Left deep scars on that day  
Words that made me realize  
That I’m still a fool

If only I can erase it  
If only I can

I’ll go to you first  
At the end of a different road  
I’ll wipe your cheeks that are  
wet with tears and ask you

Tell me what to do (I hope you’ll tell me first)  
Tell me what to do whoa (Don’t cry no more)  
Tell me what to do (If your heart can see me)  
Tell me what to do whoa (Don’t cry no more)

I took you for granted  
But just thinking of you not being there  
I don’t want to go through that,  
my world would crumble

Am I the one for you, at some point, you  
Were keeping me in check  
I said you changed a lot  
but I changed the most  
The one for me, I didn’t know  
But that promise keeps suffocating us  
Time keeps lingering but our  
time keeps getting destroyed

That smile came to me, more brightly  
The cold hands became more warm  
Two lonely souls met  
Not lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely  
I’ll look into you again,  
I’ll place your breathing in my ears  
Even if everything but us changes...

Tell me what to do...

Irene wasn't one for mushy song analyzing, but now in her car, and sitting in traffic to return home, she wished there was someone that could tell her what to do.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: I'm not sure if I needed the TW or not but I put it in just in case because there is a sex scene (hetero sex) between adults later on in the chapter. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

Thank you for your support. This came to me all last night so I wrote it out fast. It is not a happy chapter.

I referenced one of the TV shows where SJ and RV compete, but I altered it a bit just for your warning if you watched it.

See you next time, and thank you for your comments from the last chapter. :)

\---

Seungwan’s week of suspension away from school was like an answer from heaven. She didn’t have to see anyone, talk to anyone except Irene, or worry about being attacked for whatever Joohyun had done. There was still homework, but she didn’t mind it one bit. It was still better than going to school, and she had Seulgi to send her notes. Besides, Irene forbade her from stepping outside and Seungwan had no intent to do that. She would rather hide out than see anyone. 

Joohyun spent an evening with her, but was very apologetic as she was swamped with schedules for the week so they would hardly see each other. 

She didn't mind since she was still conflicted about un-truths and secrets Joohyun was concealing from her, and it gave her space and time to think.

“This next game, will be a test of focus and speed,” Leeteuk the host, announced. “We have our teams.” He respectively presented both teams consisting of five people. The boy team and the female team. 

Joohyun happened to be on this show, and Seungwan conveniently came upon this particular channel as she switching programs. The other four members on Joohyun’s—Irene’s team (since she was addressed that way on the show) were actresses that Seungwan did not recognize. But they all had that super shiny, pure innocent sexy look. 

On the male team was more people she didn’t recognize and finally, the mysterious guy who was name-dropped every now and then. 

Donghae. 

He was tall and handsome, and really energetic. Very charismatic. 

“I will give you a word, and each person has to say a syllable of the word. If you stumble, you lose. Choose your contestants!”

Donghae stepped up to the plate instantly, his gaze and smile seeming to be focused on Irene. The girl team was smiling and lightly bickering about who was smart and who was stupid. The final verdict was Irene. 

She had a cool smile on her face as she stared up at Donghae. 

“Alright, wife and husband competition!” Leeteuk exclaimed. 

“Donghae, don’t go easy on her,” one of the guys, Eunhyuk, whispered loudly. 

“Irene, show him who’s on top!” Irene’s team mate called out. 

After the excitement of deciding who was going against who, the host gave the first word. In the beginning, Donghae was winning, but then by some freak of nature, Irene began to step up her game and smashed him within seconds. 

Donghae looked like he had been kicked in the balls, and he stammered in disbelief. 

Irene and her girls jumped in excitement, but then he pushed Irene's hands as if ready for a scuffle. 

“Don’t lie!” He exclaimed and stepped towards her intimidatingly. 

Irene looked worried and maybe scared for a split second before Leeteuk cut between them and confirmed she won.

“Hey, why are you being like a gangster?” Donghae’s team joked. 

“Alright, the girls win!” Leeteuk announced, and both sides clapped for one another respectfully. 

“Now before we move on, let’s make up, eh?” The host smirked and glanced from Donghae to Irene. 

Irene appeared unfazed though she did not move from her spot. 

“Bro, what the heck, this isn’t appropriate!” Donghae exclaimed and the TV editors placed blush marks over his cheeks. 

“Go on. Don’t make her wait.”

Donghae laughed nervously and stepped back to the plate, holding his arms out with a bright charming smile. “Honey~”

The girl team gushed and pushed Irene forward. 

However, it seemed that Irene was not putting up a fight at all and Seungwan’s hand tightened over the controller as she watched in anticipation and distaste. 

Wife and husband. 

Irene and Donghae. 

It all made sense, didn’t it? She remembered the magazine cover with Donghae holding Irene so close to him. The gossip from school and the recent printed headlines at school mentioned him. 

Irene had been allegedly cheating with Sehun, but turns out Sehun read too deeply into their relationship, which Irene later identified as sibling friendship. Sehun was just confused about their relationship.

She and Donghae were married but hadn’t been together due to separating schedules. 

Seungwan watched in horror as Irene stepped into Donghae’s space, his arms wrapping around her slim waist. The actress didn’t seem uncomfortable at all as she placed her hand against his chest and leaned towards him to share a kiss. 

Don’t listen to gossip, she recalled those words falling from Irene’s lips. 

You proved it to me right now, Seungwan thought as she blankly stared at the screen. 

Irene was particularly exhausted after the show, and she wanted nothing more than to kick of these heels and collapse into bed. 

She took a sip of her water and exchanged some last words with her colleagues before preparing to leave. 

“Irene,” Donghae stepped towards her with soft smile. “You were great.”

“As were you,” she replied automatically. 

“I miss that exciting feeling,” he continued. “It’s been a while since we’ve been on set together in a casual environment.”

Irene slung her bag over her shoulder to show she was leaving. “Yes, it had been some time.” The last time they appeared on a show together was Radio Star, after New Year’s as a kind of special feature to kick off the year. That was also the time that Seungwan had been in a coma. They brought up the girl briefly and shared their deepest sadness for the situation, but they quickly moved on for the tea. 

Irene was about to close off the conversation as she was very anxious to be away from him, but she saw her manager standing to the side with the director and producer of the show. It seemed they were having a grand time, while Irene was silently being suffocated. Her manager seemed to be silently willing her to go with the flow.

This had all been planned in an effort to prove Irene was not a lesbian, and that she and Donghae were still deeply in love. 

The game, the way they acted, the kiss—all scripted. 

Irene could act. She was so good and satisfaction filled her with pride as she knew that everyone believed in her love for him at that moment. 

“Let’s go someplace,” he suggested as they walked out together. 

“Actually, I have to..."

“He told me to take you back. He has a meeting with the producers here.” He smiled at her sweetly. “I won’t hurt you, dear. Let’s go now.”

Irene was about to protest that she could taxi her way out of here, or even rent herself a car to ride away. But she was already following him out the door to the lobby, and then out of the building doors where hundred upon hundreds of people, fans and paparazzi, were snapping blinding shots of them together. 

A marriage confirmed again. Celebrity marriages usually didn’t last long, and everyone hoped Donghae and Irene would remain together - the perfect couple they were. 

Donghae grabbed her hand and stood proudly. A limousine waited for them, and Irene, blinded by confusion of the moment, allowed him to guide her in before he followed suit. 

Soon, they were riding away from this swarming area and on a main road to god knows where. 

“We haven’t been alone like this in so long,” he murmured. 

Irene glanced at the driver, noticing that he stole looks at them in the rear view mirror. Perhaps he was eyeing out juicy gossip to leak. She made distance between them and buckled herself in by the window. “I need some air you know.” She tried to remain as vague as possible. 

He chuckled. “You’re as cold as ever. Of course, that seems to be...an alluring characteristic of yours.”

Finally, they arrived at a beautiful private establishment that Donghae recently bought to invest in on the side. It was a hotel resort with private spaces: rooms, spa, you name it. Of course, there were shared parts such as the pool, walkways, and meal areas among others, but it was otherwise luxurious. 

Irene gaped at the place wondering how and why Donghae owned such a thing. 

“Do you like it?” He asked. 

“Donghae...” she turned to him. “I have to go back.”

“Irene, you’re exhausted. At least rest up here for a little bit. We’ll eat and then head back.”

At that moment the limo left the side of the road and Irene watched it disappear into the distance hopelessly. 

She looked up at the man she had loved so naively years before and he smiled at her encouragingly.

Donghae had already reserved a room for them, far from the public sphere. Room service brought food and drink for them, which was set out on a veranda with a nice view of night lights from the city and Irene had to admit the evening air made it seem relaxing. 

“How’s Seungwan?” He asked while they ate. 

“She’s ok.”

“You’re getting along better then?” 

Irene didn’t need to be reminded about their rough start. 

“I really missed you,” he changed the subject. “It’s been tough living away from you. I had gotten so used to having you on my side.”

“I’m sure Jessica gave you some support,” Irene replied curtly. 

“Jess wants nothing to do with me now. Neither does Hani. I’m all alone.” He reached forward and gently touched her hand with his fingers. “And you’re all alone.”

Irene snatched her hand away. “What are you talking about?”

“Dear, I’m so sorry about this situation. When we entered into this commitment, it was for the company, not for us. I’m so sorry I never understood my true feelings for you then as I do now.”

Irene fixed him with a cold look through narrowed eyes. “What makes you think I love you now?”

“You’re using Seungwan to replace the void in your heart. The empty space in your life is being occupied by Seungwan, isn’t that right?”

“...”

“That’s not real love, Irene. It’s a twisted kind of affection.”

“I was there for her and you weren’t,” she retorted. 

“No, love. You weren’t there for her at all.” He gave her a sad her mocking look of sympathy. “She is the only thing you have control of in your life.”

Irene growled and set down her fork. “What do you want from me?” She demanded. 

“Irene and Sehun rumored dates”

The couple was found at a concert together...Irene attended EXO’s concert in support of Sehun...

"Irene allegedly cheating on her husband Donghae"

A video on Instagram shows Sehun teaching Irene dance moves to the latest EXO song. 

She's been seen hanging around Sehun a lot lately. What's the deal...read more.

Irene and Donghae seen together after shooting SUPER TV. - posted a few hours ago. 

There was a long debate before Seungwan decided that there was nothing to be lost if she tried to find answers alone. Waiting for Joohyun to tell her something was like waiting for rain in a drought.

It wasn't difficult to hack into Irene's laptop at all. She didn't even have a password to get in so all Seungwan had to do was boot up the system and open a private window so Irene would never detect someone had snooped into her business.

Seungwan scrolled through the internet content, noticing that there was a lot about Irene and Donghae in the past. Pictures of younger versions of them were on the web. There were articles about them, and stupid video compilations of their cute moments which Seungwan dared not watch. 

They are married. 

For a long time. 

Seungwan found a brief section from the New Year, where Irene and Donghae opened up about a child they were fostering, who had been involved in a very critical accident. 

There was footage of the destroyed truck and tracing of where the person had fallen on the street. But there was no photo of the child. 

But Seungwan remembered that she had been in a coma for a while, with no memory, and a body that felt so strange after days of not moving. Almost half her body was metal rods and screws to replace the bone that had been crushed in her accident. She remembered those little diagrams the doctor showed them, and how she felt more like a robot knowing that there were man-made objects to sustain her destroyed body: her arm, her ribs...

It is me...isn’t it?

Seungwan leaned back in the chair and looked to the envelope she had found in Irene’s drawer. 

Child custody papers with Seungwan under Irene and Donghae’s household.

Signed a few months preceding the New Year. And then a closing statement, meaning she was supposed to go back to the foster service roughly around the time the accident happened.

“I’m...Son Seungwan,” she muttered. 

But...I don’t remember anything....

Irene didn’t have any control anymore as she succumbed to the evils that swallowed her whole and made her into this sinful being. A moment ago, she was trying to fight for herself and do the right thing. It would have been the perfect goodbye to the end of the world.

The lord of the underworld himself, the ruler of sin had attached strings to her limbs and dictating all her movements even though she internally screamed at herself to stop doing this.

Yet she found herself again, trapped and giving in to the flesh she wished was not her own. 

Why?

Donghae kissed her passionately, his hands fondling her bare breast and squeezing her nipple. 

It all felt so familiar as she kissed him back and buried her hands in his hair.

His lips brushed over her soft abdomen, making an obvious trail to her womanhood.

This wasn't right.

Stop. Please.

Why can’t I fight back?

She leaned up on her elbows watching him eat her out. Donghae was so handsome and had a beastly body any woman would swoon for. 

She watched Donghae step out of his pants and boxers, now completely naked. It was obvious that he was excited, his thick and hard length pointing straight out.

Irene was in a trance as he stepped toward her at the side of the bed while jerking his junk. She knew what he wanted. 

She knew what they all wanted. 

So why not give it to them and get rid of them all? In a world of myth and folklore, she could have been a succubus and lured these disgusting men towards their death with pleasure.

I’m the perfect vessel, she thought as she took his penis in her hand and rubbed it slowly. She felt the tightness of his balls and squeezed the warm flesh, remembering the times she had done it when she had been blindly in love with him. People would die to be with me.

I’m beautiful, and unable to get pregnant. 

I’m so used to this, I shouldn’t care.

You've got to stop.

Donghae gently stroked her hair. “Take it,” he said huskily and she did exactly as he wanted without hesitation. 

Irene took him in her mouth, and he groaned as she sucked the head before taking it deeper. Discomfort settled in her chest when he pushed his full length into her throat. It caught her off guard at first, but she did not flinch or gag when he mated to her mouth. 

These lips that you kiss Seungwan with, she thought in disgust, they’re dirty...

She’s very pure. Very precious, Jessica’s words rang into her head. 

Seungwan isn’t like anyone you’ve ever met. 

Seungwan isn’t like anyone else because she wasn’t hungry for power and money. She was a simple person trying to live. 

She just needs love...

Don’t do this, she begged herself and stopped pleasuring him.

“What are you thinking of, baby?” Donghae tipped up her chin. 

Irene smiled at him and made space for him on the bed. She lay down seductively and beckoned him to join her with a finger. Donghae grinned and kissed her as he lay with her.

He groaned when Irene began pumping him and he rubbed her with his fingers. “This brings back so many memories, Irene. We were wild back then.”

Her guilty conscience was weighing in the back of her mind as her body moved of its own accord. 

You liar. 

What would Seungwan think of you now?

Jessica’s word echoed fresh in her ears as Donghae moaned in pleasure. What do you get out of walking this dirty path, dear?

Irene swallowed nervously as a Donghae pushed her hands off before she could finish him off. He was so good at holding out an orgasm. 

Irene forgot how sensitive her nipples were when he began to suck on them. He remembered every spot that turned her on and she was actually starting to become aroused. 

Donghae gently nibbled them and kissed the tops of her breasts. “You’re so gorgeous, Irene.”

“You’re mine. Only mine,” he murmured and sucked on her earlobe.

Irene sighed as he slid two fingers into her experimentally. He was just stretching her out while he suckled her clit again as he did so. “You’re so wet, dear,” he said and tasted her pleasure. Then, he entered her slowly, his length filling her just the way she remembered. He was being gentle for now, but soon he was pounding her, the sinful sound of intercourse filling the quiet room.

Irene shut her eyes as the familiar feeling an orgasm began to build up in her groin, and she rubbed her own clitoris to increase the pleasure. 

I feel very sorry for Seungwan’s living arrangement with you, Jessica haunted her. 

Shut up! Irene grit her teeth.

This isn’t healthy...for either of you.

Irene cried out as she came. Her walls contracted around his dick and soon she felt his ejaculate filling her. But there was nothing to worry about. She wasn’t able to get pregnant.

Donghae panted when he leaned over her. He kissed her softly, gently brushing strands of hair that stuck to her sweaty face.

No no no no no! Irene bashed her forehead against the steering wheel of her car. 

What have I done?

Why did I do it?

“Why can’t you say no?!” She demanded to no one and grabbed her head in her hands. 

Why do I keep falling?

“I hate him. I hate them so much!” She howled. “I hate you!”

Surely she must be insane to be having an argument to no one but herself.

It was already past midnight and Irene had gone out of her way to buy some strong alcohol to get rid of the mess. She was in the parking of her apartment which was pretty empty and she was tolerant anyway, or so she thought. Irene didn't trust herself to make it out of a bar without causing more trouble to herself and Seungwan. It would be unsightly for the public eye to get a glimpse of her raging alcoholic self destroying her name even more than it already was going through.

Irene popped off the top; the smell of the beverage calming her for a moment in anticipation of the buzzed feeling of lost senses and reality. She held the bottle in her hand by the neck and choked on her tears. 

I’m not lonely. 

I’m not using Seungwan. 

I love her. 

She took a long drag of the alcohol, reciting these thoughts over and over. 

I love her more than anything 

More than Donghae. 

More than Irene. 

More than money. 

Halfway through the bottle she laughed like a mad woman and threw her head back as she cackled crazily. 

“You think you can control me?” She sneered as she hallucinated the people who turned her into this mess. “Who made you God?”

“I’m not empty. I’m so happy! I’m much happier without you, Donghae! Seungwan is mine and no one can take her from me!”

She drank again and some of it spilled from her lips as she prematurely pulled it away. “I’m in total control. I am nobody’s puppet.”

Seungwan made sure to put everything away so Joohyun would never detect her snooping around. She felt defeated and tired. 

She didn’t like Joohyun kissing Donghae even though they were married. 

She couldn’t remember anything even with all this evidence at her finger tips. 

And most of all, her heart felt troubled—but she couldn’t describe what exactly she was feeling.

Seungwan fell asleep hours before Irene came home and did not even wake up when the woman returned in a terribly drunken state. 

The next morning, she found her passed out on the floor still in her day clothes. The smell of alcohol was slighlty stale from her body but Seungwan remembered the first incident clearly enough to know that Joohyun must have returned drunk sometime in the night. 

“Joohyun?” She shook her gently. “Joohyun, it’s morning.”

Seungwan shook her again a little harder when she did not stir.

“Don’t wanna...” the latter frowned but slowly opened her eyes. 

The woman appeared confused at first, but then alarmed and she sat up quickly. “What time is it?”

“10am?” Seungwan glanced at the clock. 

The latter still seemed delirious and confused. 

“It’s Saturday,” she added. “I think you don’t have anything right now.”

“Right...right...thanks Seungwan.” Joohyun stumbled as she got to her feet and this time, Seungwan caught her before she fell. 

“I’m ok,” Joohyun told her. “You can let go.”

—

“I had a good time last night, Irene--"

Deleted. 

I gave you what you want. Why can’t you go away?

She had sent Seungwan to get her mail from the lobby, intending to return Donghae’s call and tell him to fuck off. But just the thought of speaking to him enraged her and she didn’t want Seungwan to suspect her frustration or walk in on an angry phone call. How would she explain herself then?

The front door opened and she set her phone aside. 

“Nothing much. Just ads,” Seungwan told her. 

“We can dump them,” Irene replied. She watched the girl toss them into the recycling. “You’ve grown taller,” she noticed. 

“Oh...thanks?”

“Didn’t I tell you not to?” Irene joked. 

“I’m not that much taller than you,” Seungwan pointed out clueless to the woman’s banter. 

“At this rate you will be.” Irene grinned. 

Even with all that Seungwan found out about her unknown history with a Irene, she couldn’t not return the smile. 

It seemed genuine. 

She gasped when Irene brushed her fingers against her cheek. “You’re so cute,” Joohyun murmured. 

Seungwan laughed nervously and stepped away from her. “Not really.”

“Awww, are you embarrassed?” 

“What? No, you’re being creepy!” Seungwan moved away from the smiling woman. Her cheeks were getting a little warm and she also really did feel creeped out, especially with the way Joohyun was watching her.

She retreated to her room; not expecting the latter to follow her. Suddenly, she lay winded on the bed with the older woman on top of her, coddling her. 

“I won’t let go until you admit it,” Joohyun teased. 

“I bet you’re ticklish,” Seungwan countered. 

“Try me.”

Seungwan wasn’t sure if it was a challenge that would prove her wrong. Unfortunately, it appeared that Joohyun had no tickle spot at all. “How?” She protested. 

“You’re just not doing it right.”

“There’s a right way?”

“Mhm. Come here and I’ll show you.”

“You think I’ll walk right into your trap? No thanks,” Seungwan scrambled away from her. 

“Seriously. I’ll show you.”

Seungwan shook her head adamantly, and Joohyun chuckled. “Next time then.”

The older woman shifted beside her and the girl could feel her eyes burning into her.

Seungwan so wanted to be able to feel like she could be close to Joohyun again, but she felt uneasiness creeping along her skin. She didn’t like what Joohyun had to do, but it was unfortunate that the actress’s life revolved around doing those “things”.

Joohyun slept with Sehun.

She went on 'dates' with him before the concert until Joohyun called it off because it was supposed to be fake news.

The image of Joohyun kissing Donghae on screen haunted her now. She couldn’t forget how Irene let him hold her like that, and how she pressed to him as if they knew each other forever. 

They are married. What do you expect?

Seungwan shouldn’t have met Joohyun’s gaze. 

It must be a trap, she thought as Joohyun’s soft gaze paralyzed her. 

How can you look at me like that? Seungwan thought. When you can kiss whoever you want and lie to me?

The older woman held her hand, gripping it tightly. “If I could,” Irene whispered. “I would start over and love you a thousand times more.”

—

Irene spent the rest of the weekend with Seungwan, who was almost fully recovered by now. Her bruised eye was hardly noticeable now. 

They went to a cat cafe together despite Irene being a little afraid of animals, but seeing Seungwan relax and enjoying the experience made her feel better. 

She was shaken from her thoughts when a soft black cat brushed against her leg for attention. Irene's heart almost leapt out of her chest when she saw a cat sticking close to her. “Meow,” it said. 

“I think it likes you,” Seungwan told her as the cat settled down at Irene’s feet. 

“I suppose so...” she leaned down to pat the cat’s head and it pressed against her touch. 

Cats were really soft. 

But they also have sharp claws, she mused as she witnessed one score its claws against a scratch board. 

She glanced at Seungwan, who seemed to be spacing out, but she didn’t bother her. 

Minutes later, she cat was no longer at her side and had gone to greet another a couple across the way. 

Two young adults who were obviously newly in love. 

Irene did not want to to be reminded of her own stupid story so she tore her eyes away and stared out the window instead. 

\--

Seungwan could tell that something was going on in the back of Joohyun's mind. Something must have happened, and it probably had something to do with work, as usual. She would ask, but knew that the latter would never tell her any problems.

In that moment, she wished that maybe she were a little older, and not still a minor so that Joohyun could talk to her too. Then, maybe she would be more open and treat her as a mature person too.

There had to be a reason for Joohyun to return drunk too. Seungwan picked up the sign that drunkenness had to do with very stressful instances such as the incident with Sehun.

Who was she to think that Joohyun should talk to her when she herself couldn't even talk to the actress about serious matters?

It didn't matter now. Seungwan had some of the answers in her head that she didn't remember. The internet was a very convenient place to store information.

I know. But I don't know.

What were we like before?

She wandered over to the kitchen where Joohyun was washing the dishes from their dinner together. It was so quiet other than the running water and clattering plates.

Seungwan silently approached her from behind and wrapped her arms around her. Joohyun didn't even flinch at the contact while she finished washing. The younger girl buried her nose in the back of her shoulder, shutting her eyes tight to remember what it might feel like to be close to someone in a normal world.

"Stay with me tonight," Joohyun murmured.

Seungwan had no dreams that night as Joohyun held her in her arms.

"You can't still possibly want to quit all that you've worked so hard for?" Donghae questioned as they got dressed.

"I gave you what you wanted. Just get out of my life."

He laughed scornfully. "You think sex is what I wanted this whole time? I mean, yes, partly, but I really want you to come back to your senses and return with me. You know the company will ruin you if you go against their wishes."

"You can't force me."

"Then you can't force me to sign those divorce papers."

Irene turned away from him, not wanting him to know he was pressing her buttons. "I spoke with Jessica," she said tersely. "Hani is driven mad because of us. This needs to end."

"Hani will continue to hate me even in the afterlife," he replied.

"What about if I need it to end?" she demanded. "You can throw away Jessica and Hani, and Seungwan! Why can't you just let me go too?"

"Dear, you sold your soul the moment you signed the contract and agreed to our marriage. We built this together."

It has to stop.

I just want to be free.

"Let me go."

\--


	8. Chapter 8

A/N for background and reminder to self: At the beginning of the story, Joohyun was 27 years old and Seungwan 16 years old. The events following Seungwan's accident and coma take place after the New Year, which was when Donghae planned to take her back to foster service.

Currently, Joohyun is 28 and Seungwan is 17.

\--

The sun set danced against the glossy windows of buildings in the distance. A brilliant mix of orange and pink colored the sky, and the absence of clouds made the wide expanse a perfect painting of that moment. 

“It’s so beautiful,” Irene murmured. She sighed as she lay down with her hands behind her head on the blanket they had set down on the grass in the park. 

It was evening so not many people were lingering since it was dinner time, and the day before the work day. 

Seungwan glanced at her briefly but looked back to the scenery that became fiery the closer time passed in the horizon, while the sky above them darkened. 

“Have you heard of the green flash?” Joohyun asked. 

“No, what’s that?”

“It’s a rare phenomena. Apparently, if you’re in the right part of the world, you’ll seen a green light above the sun’s rim during the sunset.”

“That sounds cool.”

“I want to see it someday.”

It had been ages since Joohyun had a moment to even look up at the thing she found solace in. 

Ever since she was young, she had an affinity for the sky and views of distant places from a high vantage point—maybe a bit of a cliche interest but it really was something she liked to admire. 

Something about lying down and staring up at the endless blue canvas calmed her, and the world around her seemed to disappear under its majesty. All the worries in the world seemed to diminish just for a little. 

She spotted a pair of geese passing overhead, and she wondered if they might be mates. 

Spring was here, which usually meant blooming and new life. 

The weather would be so much better, despite instances of rain. 

It was still less depressing than winter and fall seasons. 

She turned on her side watching Seungwan, who had her back to her as she stared ahead of them. 

The sun was bleeding away from view, the horizon seeming to burn a flaming orange red. 

All she could see was the light emanating around Seungwan, the edges of her silhouette defined by the rays of the dying day. 

Irene sat up and moved closer to her so they were side by side. 

If only my mistakes would disappear as easily as the sun...

If only I could be as persistent as the sun that rises every morning without question—or maybe not. The will of the universe had its course and the sun had no choice just as the old old story of the sun chasing the moon for eternity in basic astronomy lessons. 

They could never be together. 

“Seungwan...

If the person you trusted most deceived you, would you be angry?”

The younger girl didn’t turn to face her though she was caught off guard by the question. Seungwan hesitated, trying to find the right words because she wasn’t sure where this was leading. “It depends...I guess.”

“If they lied to you for a long time, what then?”

“I think I would be more hurt than angry,” Seungwan told her. “Because I would feel that the person didn’t believe in me to know the truth.”

There was a tense silence before Irene continued. “Would you hate them?” Her voice was soft and timid. 

“...”

Seungwan wondered what had come over Joohyun now as the light disappeared from them. At any other time, the actress would never have opened up about something like this, much less ask her opinion. 

She pulled her knees up to her chest as a cool wind brushed against her face. 

“Seungwan?” The older woman pressed as the silence became prolonged. 

She knew what the latter was talking about, though it was questionable if Joohyun knew that Seungwan was aware now of her dishonesty about their relationship before the accident, but only of the fact that she had been in their care for a short time. This obviously quickly put Joohyun’s claims of their closeness before to rest because they had not been together long. In addition to that, Joohyun failed to inform her that she was married. 

On top of that, she had been involved in an affair shortly—even though it was fake. But it still counted as infidelity.

She was sure there was more to uncover, but there hadn’t been enough time to snoop around more without Joohyun’s awareness. And she couldn’t always trust internet news just in case some sites were biased, or were purely fake news in the attempt to make an uprising for the media. 

Yet even after all this, Seungwan couldn’t find the room in her heart to hate her. 

There was still a strange discomfort clutching her chest and she didn’t even want to look at Joohyun anymore. 

She didn’t like it when Joohyun had pretended to date Sehun. And she certainly held great disdain at the memory of Joohyun and Donghae kissing on TV. 

“Why do you have to pretend?” She whispered as a breeze came and carried the words from her lips to Joohyun’s ears. 

—

The first day back at school felt like walking into hell. She was a bit nervous and didn’t know what to expect as she had gotten used to staying home for that one week that passed too fast for her liking. 

When she arrived, it was almost as if nothing had ever happened. 

Seulgi was still waiting for her, and people hardly paid her any mind, though there were still some snide remarks and scornful looks that she ignored. 

“I missed you,” her friend said. 

“I missed you too,” Seungwan said and glanced at the corner where Joohyun had dropped her off. The woman was still lingering there so she held up a hand as a farewell before heading in. 

There was not a sign of Hani all day, and Seungwan did not even run into her accomplices. This was so weird, she thought. It was so surreal to not have someone pick on her daily, not that she wanted it to continue happening. 

It just felt too perfect. Like the calm before a storm. 

She reunited with her friends who were just as pleased to see her, and they even brought her gifts. 

“We pitched in together and got you the newest edition of Pokémon cards!” Seulgi exclaimed and held out a box for her. 

Seungwan’s eyes widened with surprised because 1) she wasn’t expecting a gift and 2) she did not play Pokémon. Nonetheless, she appreciated the gesture and stuffed it into her backpack, promising to open it at home because she didn’t want the wind to blow away the individual cards. 

A million hands fussed over Irene’s hair, costume, face, makeup and whatever was necessary to make this photo shoot a success. The cameraman called out orders, which she responded to naturally from experience as she posed a million different ways with subtle changes. 

It was so familiar to her. She could do it in her sleep. 

Soon, it was over and she was back into her normal clothing. The cameraman and producers went over the many photos they took of her, showing the touch ups and power of photo editing to make her look even more appealing to the eyes. 

But as they went on, a dreadful feeling came over her. She stared at the picture they were electing to use for the front cover of a fashion magazine. 

She was dressed and posed in a way that gave off provocative energy. The blank yet yet seductive look in her eyes scathed over her. 

It’s just work, she assured herself. I need to get paid. 

But it didn’t feel good anymore. 

—

The days passed this way peacefully at school although gossip came and went, but this time not about Irene. It seemed that there were new idols to debut this summer, and comebacks from certain artists were taking up the attention from Irene, who seemed to be waning out of the limelight as time went on. 

Seungwan did her best to pretend that she didn’t seem to know much about what was really going on behind the scenes. In truth, she didn’t actually know the whole back story, but only had the knowledge that Joohyun’s current story prior to the coma was a big fat lie. 

And that was enough for her to know there was more to their past than what the woman was willing to tell her. 

What was so bad about it that Joohyun couldn’t share it with her?

What could be worse than knowing that Joohyun was married and had had an affair on the side?

Seungwan could hardly focus on her schoolwork now. She hadn’t even completed the first problem set as her mind wandered into too many complicated things. 

Her mind wandered back to the earliest days since her recovery. Joohyun had just returned from her week long trip and had treated Taeyeon and Wendy for lunch. Seungwan remembered Taeyeon sending her off for coffee, now realizing that the plan was to avert her while the adults were discussing the situation. 

Why didn’t I question it then?

Joohyun admitted it herself. 

She’s lying to me.

Seungwan dug her pencil into the notebook until the lead snapped. 

What was the point of Joohyun asking her opinion on her feelings if someone were to lie to her? 

Seungwan felt a surge of resentment for a moment. Why couldn’t Joohyun just come clean to her instead of beating around the bush like this? 

Why did she have to act like one person at one moment and then another the next?

What if Joohyun doesn’t actually care about me?

What’s the point of me being here?

There were too many unanswered questions that overwhelmed her, and the fact that Joohyun was kissing and sleeping with other people made it all even worse. 

Am I really just a pet? She remembers the jeers from Hani and the other students at school. Just someone to keep at home while she can have her little affairs?

But then what about the other moments they spent together? It couldn’t all just be fake. No celebrity would waste their hard earned money on a girl whose body had been broken so badly. No celebrity would hold onto a kid when they barely have time for themselves, especially in their prime. Right?

Joohyun did take off time from her daily routines to spend with her. Was it all an act?

Seungwan was horribly confused and she buried her face in her arms as she tried to make out what the fucking hell was going on here. 

Why can’t I remember anything? 

Seungwan felt so frustrated as her memory remained a blank slate. She wandered over to her bed and curled up with her pillow before unknowingly falling into a deep sleep. 

Irene frowned as she glanced down one too many times at the unanswered text she had sent Seungwan. 

It wasn’t a really important question because Irene just needed to know if she was hungry. She wasn’t sure if she would be back home in time to cook a meal for them. 

“Irene, it’s been a while since you were in a film,” her manager said. “I was contacted by a director and they’re very interested in your talent to play the lead female role.”

“I see.” 

“We’ll be meeting with then tomorrow for the details. What do you think?”

“If all is well, then this will be my last film,” she said firmly. “I will not renew my contract after this.”

Irene returned home late, but noticed how quiet it was. Seungwan usually came to greet her or she would find the lights on.

It wasn’t an abnormally late hour so she was surprised to find that it was completely dark. Seungwan didn’t sleep early ever, she recalled—at least most of the time. Irene generally slept earlier than her (beauty sleep and all that). 

She kicked off her shoes and went to check on the girl. 

A cool draft greeted her at the doorway to Seungwan’s bedroom. Though spring has arrived the evenings were still cold, and Joohyun went to shut the window before anymore of it could chill the place. 

It had been a while since she stopped and took a good look at this room. She had planned its arrangement for the teen, and made sure the file had a comfortable space for her own. 

It looked like Seungwan had been studying but the work was unfinished as the math problem seemed to have been interrupted. A broken pencil sat on the notebook and the lead piece strayed off to the edge of the page. 

Irene glanced at the sleeping girl. Seungwan hardly seemed the type to slack off. 

Stress?

Problems at school?

The younger girl was curled up with a pillow clutched tightly in her arms and Irene could hardly tell if she was awake. 

Slowly, the actress sat on the bedside and gently brushed back Seungwan’s locks. 

She looked so soft like this. 

She looked so pure and untouchable.

Guilt crept up her chest again and permeated every part of her being. She had done too many things she wasn’t proud of. She did everything, anything...for money and power. 

How can I be better for Seungwan?

I’m not renewing the contract, she tried to convince herself that things would be ok, I’m trying...

That counts, doesn’t it?

She sighed heavily and lay down beside the younger girl. 

Donghae’s words echoed in her mind. Seungwan is the only thing you have control of—

No. I’m not. Irene tried to tell herself that everyone was just getting in her way now because of the situation. 

I’m not a bad person. I just want to do the right thing...

But in truth it was possible that she had never done the right thing from the beginning...

And that maybe he was right. 

She fed Seungwan with a different story to make it seem like nothing was wrong. To create a new world where Donghae and “Irene” did not exist. 

For me...because the guilt was too much for her to take in at once. 

She felt a painful knot forming in her throat. Don’t be dramatic, she scolded herself as she hugged Seungwan tightly in her arms. The girl was so cold. 

I was wrong...

Seungwan will hate me when she finds out how much I lied.

There isn’t anybody who would want to stand on my side. 

At this rate, her family would be greatly disappointed in what she had done. Shame weighed down on her chest. They never taught me to act so selfishly. 

Her father had already been displeased with her career choice. 

Her friends dwindled away as she chose to follow the dark path of no return. 

Who knew if her mother or brother would accept her again?

And as for Seungwan, Irene wasn’t sure how the girl actually felt about her. Obviously, she was very aware of Irene’s deceitful behavior—her different faces she wore to different people, and the lies that were becoming very prevalent now. 

Irene suddenly realized she had passed the point of no return. She really did give up her soul, her life, her whole being to pursue this damned career of hers. 

Six years was so short in the grand scope of things, but so long as she recounted all the mistakes and regrets she had acquired through it all. 

Her reputation in the industry was...simply a tool, while still having attained a high ranking for herself as an actress/model thanks to her beauty and talent. 

She was an entertainer. She was an actress, a model. She was groomed to please the masses with her enticing visuals and character roles in films. Mo

She was driven to believe that she must please them. 

She must do what they want—she thought. 

It is too late now.

I am a slave to myself. To everyone who expects something from me. 

Seungwan had the most disturbed nap plagued with the same nightmares that brought her sadness and anger, and strong feelings of loneliness that seemed so close to her heart but far from recollection. 

She saw Joohyun, giving her a cold look of disdain, and telling Donghae that he should never have brought her here. 

She saw him—Donghae—with the same grin she saw on TV, and giving her a Snoopy. 

She lay in darkness hearing a long fight but not really catching the words except that Joohyun didn’t care what he would do with Seungwan. 

Then, she found herself drowning in a pool of crimson red, and she tried to open her mouth to call for help. But the girl could not move and she shut her eyes as she had to succumb to the swirling liquid threatening to claim her. 

And when she opened her eyes, she was frozen cold staring straight into the eyes of death as a large truck tumbled towards her over the icy ground. 

Seungwan flinched as she awoke in alarm. The room was so cold, and she was shaking from the chills and the awful dream. 

As always, she couldn’t remember any of it except the ending where the truck was seconds away from crushing her. 

Her heart was still racing and the only thing that kept her grounded was the fact that Joohyun’s arms were holding her tight. 

“J-Joohyun?”

“It’s alright. I’ve got you.”

Seungwan didn’t want to be deceived by the warmth the woman provided. She didn’t want to be comforted by the person who could turn her face and become someone else within a second. 

But at the same time, she wanted Joohyun to hold her like this, and make her feel like she actually mattered. 

If she can fake it, why can’t I pretend she loves me too?

—

The next day felt like hell. Seungwan stayed up all night to finish her assignments thanks to the unhelpful nap she took. 

So now she was barely awake in class and failing to take better notes. She would have to ask Seulgi for them later. 

It was a freaking Friday.

“Seungwan, can you do this question for us please?” The math teacher called out. 

Shit. 

She glanced at Seulgi who gave her a sympathetic look and a thumbs up for good luck. 

“You can use your notes,” the teacher added as if he were trying to give her a heart attack before. 

Seungwan gulped and stood up to complete the question on the board. Her notes were a mess but somehow she managed to get the problem right and wrong. 

“Nice try,” the teacher said. “But you forgot this step.” and he scribbled on the board to correct her mistake. 

Seungwan didn’t even care at that point but at least he acknowledged her effort. 

“Hey, you ok?” Seulgi asked her at lunch. 

“No. I’m dead.” Which was partly true. But her troubles mainly had to do with Joohyun and the lost memories. 

And also the fact that Joohyun had sucked the lips off of two men—Seungwan had witnessed it after all! She was filled with disdain at the memory of Sehun banging Joohyun and then Donghae kissing the actress on TV. 

How can Joohyun do that and pretend like nothing happened? 

How can she do that and think I wouldn’t care?

It really made her sad and angry at the same time. She didn’t like knowing these things. Even when she tried to forget about them, it would never go away. 

No matter how much she wanted to believe that Joohyun wouldn’t hurt her intentionally, the truth was ever looming. 

Seungwan wasn’t sure if she could trust her anymore. 

Dinner felt so awkward tonight as Seungwan joined Joohyun at the table. The actress had prepared things that Seungwan liked, and she wondered if there was a reason for this. 

Her uneasiness didn’t allow her to enjoy the meal. She took some small bites but picked at it halfheartedly. 

“Is something the matter?” Joohyun noticed. 

Seungwan shook her head and filled Joohyun’s bowl with more food. She scolded herself internally for giving away her sullen mood. It was better for Joohyu not to know her feelings about everything that had passed. And it was certainly better to play dumb for a little longer. She was sure Joohyun wouldn’t like to know that she had gone snooping. 

“Hey, did something happen at school?” Joohyun asked. 

“No. I’m just tired...”

Joohyun looked like she didn’t believe her but she did not press further. “Eat a little more.”

After they ate, Seungwan helped her with the dishes because she needed to be occupied by something other than her thoughts. Unfortunately, it didn’t help that Joohyun snuck up on her and embraced her from behind. 

It just made her heart feel heavier.

—

“Good day, Irene,” the film director and script writer greeted Irene as she followed her manager into the meeting room. 

Another man was already sitting at the table and he was dressed very formally as if he had some other arrangement to be at later. 

She recognized him as Choi Minho, an actor from a different entertainment company. She had never interacted with him before and he usually starred in action and thriller films, which she hardly ever played roles for. 

“An honor to meet you, Miss Irene Bae,” Minho stood up. 

Apparently, they were going to be co-stars, if everything went according to plan. First they would test their chemistry together since they were allegedly love interests. However, the romance was supposed to be subtle since the genre of the movie was a post-apocalyptic thriller film. The focus of the movie was survival and edge-of-the-seat suspense. 

Due to the nature of the film, that meant Irene would need to get combat training to act the role well. That also meant she would need to hit the gym, which she had neglected to do for the past few days. 

Regardless, it seemed that they were interested in keeping her as the lead role. 

Irene just hoped that her manager would keep his word and let her go after this film.

But they seriously couldn’t force her right? They could only operate if she signed the paper herself. Wasn’t it illegal to force someone into employment? Like human trafficking?

Is that even the same thing?

Ugh...maybe not. Those were separate worlds...

Irene glanced at her watch wondering if she would make it to pick up Seungwan from school. It was already cutting it a little too close and she would most likely miss her. 

As she was exiting, she bumped into Minho again and gave him a cordial salutation. 

“Hey, can I speak with you a moment?” He asked. 

She nodded and felt a little suspicious as he led her to a quiet corner away from view - probably to avoid any unwanted attention and rumors.

“I heard lots of things about you, the infamous Irene Bae.” His prior calm respectful demeanor disappeared into unfriendly eyes. “Don’t expect me to play along with your games. I don’t have time for phoniness.”

“Well, I’m glad we’re on the same page then,” she replied calmly but also returned the same coldness. “Is that all you wanted to tell me?”

“Just stay out of my way,” he growled. We’re colleagues on set but strangers outside of that, got it?”

“Don’t worry, Minho. What you’re asking me is no problem. After all, we are actors, no?”

Minho gave her no answer as he stalked off. Irene felt like he was coming off too strong with disdain, but it did make sense why he was acting this way. Based on all the recent news, he probably thought she had slept her way to the top. 

It wasn’t entirely true but it wasn’t wrong. She met and married Donghae—took him from Jessica, who was supposed to marry him. 

That’s where it all started. 

—

After a particularly long day at school, Seungwan wanted nothing more than to go home and crash on her bed. 

And that’s exactly what she did. Her friends had invited her to ice cream but she didn’t really feel in the mood for the snack. 

Now, she lay on her bed staring at the ceiling not thinking about anything. The window was open to let in natural light and some cool air which made it more relaxing. 

This was better than ice cream. 

She was broken from the peacefulness at the sound of the front door unlocking and the familiar footsteps of Joohyun entering the unit. 

She turned on her side wondering whether or not to pretend to sleep. 

Something just didn’t feel right in her heart, and it was scaring her a little bit. 

But by the time she remembered to make a decision, Joohyun was already at her side with an expression that didn’t match the one on TV. 

This couldn’t be fake, could it? Seungwan thought. She didn’t look at him like this...

Does it matter how she looks at people? Seungwan ridiculed herself, she kissed him. And that’s all that matters.

“Is something wrong?”

Seungwan realized that the latter had said something to her un-listening ears. “S-sorry?”

“I asked you if you wanted to go out with me later.”

Go out with...Joohyun? But Seungwan’s rational mind quickly took over and she saved herself from an embarrassing misunderstanding. “To where?” She asked. 

“Anywhere.”

“Ok.”

After eating an early dinner, Seungwan followed Joohyun to the car. The sun had already set and the pinkish purple lights were slowly dying away with every passing moment. 

The car ride was longer than usual so Seungwan assumed they must have traveled between cities because she didn’t recognize the scenery. 

Finally, they arrived at a park that was relatively empty. Seungwan felt the place was a bit iffy but only because it was already dark and a perfect place for a murder to happen unwitnessed. 

She quickly wiped away that scenario. It must be all those dramas she ran into on TV. 

“Where are we?” Seungwan asked. 

“I used to come here all the time in my younger years,” Joohyun explained. “When I needed time to myself away from everyone.”

She followed Joohyun down a walkway, their shoes crunching against the loose gravel. Seungwan began to wish she had brought a warmer jacket. The cool air was giving her a little chill. 

The actress seemed at ease here. 

“It’s nice isn’t it?” Joohyun said after a prolonged silence. 

The younger girl trailed a little behind her not really enjoying any of this. She had tried her best to pretend like there was nothing wrong, and that she didn’t know anything. But the longer she held it in, the harder it became to act normal. 

There were so many things crowding her mind. 

Everything was just so confusing—from Joohyun’s ever changing facades, to their past, to the stupid scandal with Sehun, and Donghae kissing her—who knew what else that woman was doing in secret?

Why isn’t she with Donghae if they’re married?

She felt Joohyun’s hand begin to intertwine with hers, but she quickly withdrew from her. 

“Seungwan?” The latter turned to her in confusion. 

“How many other people do you touch with those hands?” Seungwan demanded. 

“What?” Joohyun had a horrified look on her face.

Seungwan gulped, suddenly realizing what she had done and how unprepared she was for confrontation. “I...I saw you,” she continued. “I saw you with Sehun. And I saw you with him. How can you act as if I’m not even aware of everything?”

“Seungwan, what are you talking about?”

“I know you lied. I heard you and Taeyeon talking that day. Am I really just a sorry charity case to you?”

“W-why didn’t you say anything?” Joohyun said incredulously. 

Seungwan couldn’t look her in the eye and she turned away. “I didn’t want it to be true.”

The once peaceful evening became tense between them and even the faint breeze felt loud against Seungwan’s ears. 

“Then we can just forget about the past and move on,” Joohyun told her as if it were as simple as that. “No one matters to me except you. That’s the truth.”

Seungwan was almost tricked by her own heart. Her own lost self that wanted to trust Joohyun’s words. But without knowing her true being before the accident and without knowing what was actually going on, she knew she must be a fool to want that more than anything. 

Joohyun will never see you that way—were the first words ringing in her ears. 

Why?

Why am I like this?

“How can you say that when you can go and kiss whoever you want?” Seungwan finally spoke her thoughts, a painful knot forming in her throat. “What am I to you? Who am I really?”

Joohyun seemed to hesitate, but her eyes never gave away any emotion. “Seungwan, it’s a complicated matter that doesn’t concern you.” She offered her a small smile, her eyes softening a little. “It’s better that way, Seungwan. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Joohyun reached for her hand again , but Seungwan flinched away from her touch. “So you’re going to keep doing what you want and leave me on the side?” A surge of resentment and anger filled her chest. . “When was lying going to help me?”

Joohyun never answered the question, but she suddenly seemed to be cold and distant. She was not happy. But Seungwan did not care at this moment. She was too torn and upset about how Joohyun could treat this like nothing. 

She doesn’t care after all...

“Don’t play me for a fool,” Seungwan said bitterly, “I’m not stupid. I already know you never wanted me.”

“That isn’t true!” Joohyun snapped, her eyes cold fire. “I was wrong, ok? I just had a miscarriage and Donghae decided to bring you into my life when I wasn’t ready!”

Seungwan was taken aback. She wasn’t aware of that unknown fact about Joohyun—at least not since she lost her memory. 

But Seungwan was more alarmed at the anger and distress that was burning off the latter. 

“When I saw you, all I could see was my failure to make Donghae happy. You were a replacement for the child I lost.

I hated him for that. And he was never faithful to me or to Jess—I was an idiot.” Her eyes were distant and shining with moisture. “I was young and in love. He was doing business, and I was deceived by my dreams. Now look where I am.” She laughed so painfully and bitterly. “We’re standing here—two people who are hopelessly lost in the dark!”

After a long bout of seriously crazy laughter, Joohyun wiped her eyes, which were wet with tears. “I’m no better than I was before...I am just like him...aren’t I?” She laughed again and sniffled. “There. Anything else you want to know?” She spat with hostility. 

Seungwan backed away a little. This wasn’t the Joohyun who came to see her at the hospital. This wasn’t the Joohyun who brought her home and held her close in her nightmares. 

This wasn’t the same Joohyun who embraced her last night. 

Now standing before her was a complete stranger. 

An angry, bitter, and lonely woman. 

“Well? Say something!” Joohyun snapped irritably. “Did I waste my breath for nothing?”

“...”

Joohyun stared at her through narrowed eyes no longer holding the softness that was usually there. Of course, Seungwan conceded that it could have been an act too. 

Honestly, Seungwan didn’t know how to respond because it all just came at her in an explosive manner. She was also very afraid of this side of Joohyun. It was like walking on egg shells. 

Perhaps she had been holding in all this anger the whole time, Seungwan thought fearfully. 

Hiding behind the smiles, the warmth, the moments together...

“Do you still love Donghae?” Seungwan asked quietly. 

“...”

“I saw you kiss him. On that TV show. I saw it on the news...you’re getting back together with him again,” Seungwan stammered when Joohyun continue to stare at her with lifeless dark eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why do you have to do these things?”

“I don’t have a choice, Seungwan.”

Seungwan frowned. “what do you mean by that? You’re an adult!”

“That’s not the point! Everything I do is for the financial well-being of the company, myself, Donghae, and whoever gets involved with me! I have to do what they want.”

Seungwan was horrified as she remembered the unfortunate moment of watching Joohyun and Sehun have sex on the sofa. “By having sex with them?”

“Whatever they want, I give it to them.”

The younger girl was disgusted and still did not understand why Joohyun had to use herself in this way. It didn’t seem like the money was worth it in that case. “It isn’t right,” Seungwan said slowly because she was seriously on thin ice now. “You don’t have to do what they want.”

“Tell that to the sky,” Irene retorted. “It’s a dog eat dog world, Seungwan. Not a fairytale movie.”

“No! You’re wrong!” Seungwan burst out before she could help herself. “You’re just blaming other people for your troubles!”

“You don’t know anything!” Joohyun quickly countered. “You don’t have the right to tell me that! You haven’t seen the world like I have!”

“Then maybe you should stop fucking around and tell me the truth!” Seungwan was already breathless with fury and emotion. She was trying not to cry but it was too late to force herself not to. Her adrenaline was running and her heart pumping madly. It wasn’t even cold anymore. 

She would never speak like this to anyone, but perhaps holding in her true feelings was causing the inevitable. 

“Seungwan...I just wanted to make happy memories for you,” Joohyun croaked with fresh tears streaming down her face. “I can’t even do that for you. I keep failing everyone around me...”

The younger girl turned away from her trying not to show that she was also crying, and hiding her face in her sleeve. 

The car ride back was too long. 

Seungwan’s eyes were swollen from crying and the tension made it uncomfortable to do anything. 

She felt a little guilty for causing this argument, but she tried to tell herself it wasn’t her fault. 

This would have happened later if not now. 

Once they returned, Joohyun locked herself in her room for the first time. 

I really upset her, Seungwan thought nervously. Maybe I really did a bad thing...

She had a hard time trying to find sleep that night. The argument was still fresh in her memory and she could almost hear it, feel the raw emotional turmoil again. 

She propped open the window and leaned out into the night air to cool off. 

The stars hung over her softly, and the night listened to her silent worries. 

She still didn’t understand why Joohyun couldn’t make a stand for herself. If she is so famous and rich, it should not matter if she rejected certain things. 

Maybe it was a show business thing? Seungwan mused the possibility. But then that would be prostitution. Taeyeon never did those things and she’s a celebrity. 

Seungwan wished there were someone else she could talk to who was trustworthy. While her friends were pretty reliable, she didn’t know them long enough to trust their judgement on keeping a secret. She also didn’t want them to know too much about her personal life with Joohyun. And if she tried asking Taeyeon, the singer would probably consult or scold Joohyun, and Joohyun would know for sure it was Seungwan who had gone for help. 

Who else? 

I just wanted to make happy memories for you...I can’t even do that for you. I keep failing everyone around me...Seungwan remembered those tearful words that closed the fight. 

They had never argued before. The most was Joohyun’s sharp tongue if Seungwan asked too many questions in the past, but that was it until now. 

Seungwan sighed heavily wondering if there would have been a better way to address the topic without sacrificing tears and bitter words. 

—

It was a little late in the morning when Seungwan woke up. She did not have any nightmares or whatever those dreams were last night, but she was particularly tired from waking up twice last night. She thought she heard someone slam the door some time in the night. 

The place was quiet and the girl had half a mind to just keep sleeping, but didn’t really want to do that either. She wanted to get out but there was nowhere to go.

Finally, she rolled out of bed and forced herself to actually get up and move as if it were another normal day. 

While on the way to the bathroom, she glanced at the direction of Joohyuns room to find that the door was still shut. 

Seungwan didn’t think she should feel guilty at all, but a part of her still did. She didn’t want to make Joohyun unhappy. 

She must be angry with me...the girl thought sullenly as she brushed her teeth. 

When she had finished freshening up and changing to regular attire, she pulled back the curtains from the balcony to let in some light. Then, she shoved open the door, squinting as the sun glared down at her. 

It was a beautiful day.

Joohyun might like it—those were the immediate thoughts in her head. 

Seungwan leaned on the railing as she tried not to let herself become awash in anxiety after last night’s events. It made her mad and sad that Joohyun’s choices were all for stupid reasons. 

It’s all just money isn’t it? she thought for a moment.

A bird trilled in the distance somewhere, but Seungwan didn’t enjoy the outside anymore. She headed back inside and stared at Joohyun’s door for a moment. 

She was afraid that the woman might actually be angry at her. They hadn’t spoken since coming back. 

What am I going to say? Sorry?

Why would you be sorry? She argued with herself. 

...I did start the fight a little bit, she finally concluded. 

Seungwan gulped nervously and knocked lightly on the door. 

Maybe she will talk to me again.

A couple tense seconds passed as Seungwan waited for a response. She decided to knock one more time just to get props for trying, but she was only met with silence. 

Because she was a natural worrier, she closed her hand over the doorknob and turned it slowly, surprised to find that it was unlocked after all. 

But when Seungwan opened it enough for substantial field of view, a familiar smell met her and she found Joohyun passed out on the floor again. 

Passed out with a lot of alcohol. 

It was...because of me...

The younger girl knelt by her side and tried to rouse her gently. This time, it was clear that Joohyun had consumed what seemed to be a copious amount of alcohol. Seungwan could see it with her own two eyes in the room. A couple empty bottles lay by the wall, another one still in Joohyun’s hand, and another unopened one in a bag. 

Why am I guilty? Seungwan tried to not think it was her fault. All of this wouldn’t have happened if Joohyun told the truth!

She tried to find the resentment she held last night, but there was none of it left. 

Joohyun’s anger had scared her a little. It was like sharp knives stabbing her heart a million times over. 

It really was all a lie. 

They didn’t even know each other before, at least not for long. I was just a lost cause after all...

If they lied to you for a long time, what then?

Would you hate them?

She remembered their sunset conversation that happened not too long ago. 

Seungwan had never answered it then, but she already knew the answer now. 

She found that she did have every right to hate the entire existence called Irene Bae Joohyun, the woman who took her in and fed her starved empty shell with lies, the woman who pretended to be too many different people, the woman who slept with Sehun and dumped him, kissed Donghae, was secretly married, and never shared a single drop of honesty. 

This whole relationship—whatever they were—was a sham. 

Seungwan’s heart was too heavy with rain to feel hatred. The sight before her was painful. Maybe Irene deserved this or maybe not, but it was too clear in her mind that Joohyun was drowning. 

And she probably wasn’t going to survive. 

—

A/n: Hey all! I hope you are well. I still have even more exams this week but here is another update. I am also working on a new cover photo for this story. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and support this story. Your comments and upvotes are greatly appreciated. 

Take care. Next update is TBD as usual. 


	9. Chapter 9

Everything around Irene drowned out of her senses. Her brain was in emotional overdrive and all she could think about was getting away from it all.

The traffic lights and cars were passing colors in the deep night as she drove towards hopelessness. 

She needed that feeling of escape if only for a moment. 

The feeling of a cold glass bottle filled with the sin of deceptive relief.

Finally, she was back in her room and the cold smooth bottle was in her hands. 

Irene was anxious to drown in the embrace of that buzzed unearthly feeling. She made sure to have more alcohol just in case one wasn’t going to bring her there. 

The truth had come creeping up too quickly. She cursed herself for being stupid, for beginning this trouble by herself. 

When was lying ever going to help me? She recalled Seugwan’s distressed voice echoing louder in her ears with every swig she took of the burning drink.

…Stop fucking around and tell me the truth!

Irene took a deeper drag until she couldn’t take anymore of it, and threw the bottle hard against the wall. It shattered into glistening pieces, dangerously littering her floor. The rest of the alcohol pooled and settled in the carpet filling the air with its stench.

She sobbed and gripped her head in her hands wondering why she was so fucked up now. 

This dream was not her dream she had envisioned in her younger years. 

The dream never consisted of Donghae.

The dream never included Seungwan.

She remembered her father’s ill feelings about her decision to take this route. He had been so against her dreams and even threatened to disown her, which he probably did the moment she stepped out of the house.

They had gotten into a huge argument about it. Irene wanted it so bad. She wanted to be more than a housewife. She was going to make it and put her family in a more stable home with better resources. Her father was an average businessman who had relative success but sometimes lost a lot on the way to those peak moments. So they weren’t exactly poor, but they weren’t completely financially well either. Her brother was to inherit the business, and she, to marry someone of her father’s approval. 

He condemned her for betraying the family. He called her stupid and naive… that she wasn’t ready to see the big world like that.

Irene tried to reason with him, with money of course. She could help them out.

“I don’t want dirty money,” he growled. “If you leave this place, you are never welcome back.”

Her brother broke the fight up then, and Irene was bawling to her mother that night.

“Hyun…whatever it is that you do, I will always love and support you,” her mother had said.

Those were her final words before Irene left in the sleeping hours of the night. She left no note for them, and took only what she needed to start her new life as Irene Bae.

Even after all that Irene said she would do for the, she never did send a cent back home. Her father was true to his word and it would be useless to try to send them anything from her.

She was dead to him.

She never called them.

And no one called her.

There was…nobody.

“Mom…mom…” she moaned and reached for another bottle. “I miss you. And brother…”

The alcohol had already done its work and her vision swam with the dim light from the lamp.

Hyun. She longed to hear her mother’s comforting voice again. She wished she could ask her mother for help in this sticky situation between her and Seungwan.

She wished she could cry in her mother’s arms now the way she used to when she had a hard time at school.

Where can I go?

I am alone.

Irene rose the second bottle to her lips, but she never did taste it as she toppled aside. The bottle now freely released the liquid onto the carpet while Irene was lost in a dreamless, alcohol induced sleep.

Irene was disturbed from her sleep because someone was shaking her. At first, she thought it was her mother waking her up because she was going to be late for school again.

Perhaps none of this had ever happened and she was still a teenager at home.

Maybe the years hadn’t yet gone by…It had all been a nightmare.

“Joohyun,” she thought she heard her mother.

“Mom…I had a horrible dream…” she mumbled. Her mouth felt so dry. 

The hand moved away but she clung onto it holding it against her chest. “Don’t leave me…”

Irene almost believed it. She was home. 

But when she opened her eyes, she was 28 years old again and staring up at the ceiling of the apartment she bought to be with Seungwan.

The air smelled of alcohol and she felt awful. Her back hurt, her head hurt, and her mouth and throat were dry. 

She stared at Seungwan, whose eyes were wide with worry and fear. 

“You wouldn’t wake up,” the younger girl choked. “I…I thought you had…” She didn’t finish and Irene was left in confusion, her brain still muddled with alcohol.

“Water…?” Irene croacked because her mouth felt like cotton.

Seungwan quickly went to get a glass and while she was gone, Irene picked herself up into a sitting position. She surveyed her room and saw the mess on the wall. Liquid stained the wall and glass littered the floor. Another bottle of alcohol lay on the floor with only a little left while the rest was on the floor. 

I’ve got to…clean it up.

Irene reached out to pick up the glass pieces in her bare fingers. 

She heard a gasp from behind and she dropped them again as Seungwan snatched her hand and removed a piece that had dug itself into the finger pad. The younger girl applied pressure to the cut with the edge of her t-shirt and held it tight.

There was a lot of blood staining Seungwan’s white shirt, Irene noticed.

The actress watched the younger girl tending to her injuries while wondering how Seungwan could still have the heart to help her now. 

I don’t deserve her kindness…

Seungwan began to stand up, but Irene suddenly grabbed her arm with her good hand. “Where are you going?” 

“I need the first aid kit,” Seungwan told her. She gave Irene the water to keep her occupied. “Don’t touch the glass.”

Seungwan returned within a few seconds with a bandage and equipment to clean the wound. Irene had hardly felt any pain but the moment Seungwan began to clean the cut, it hurt like crazy. She winced and Seungwan glanced at her briefly though she did not stop cleaning the wound. Finally, it was over and Irene’s finger was safely bandaged.

She was a little more sober now realizing where she was and what was going on.

Her blood was on Seungwan’s white t-shirt. 

“I’m...sorry,” she murmured.

—

Since then, neither of them brought up the argument. Seugnwan was hoping there might be some closure but she was too afraid to trigger another fight. 

The tension between them was getting in the way of their relationship - whatever it might be now. 

Now she was at home and trying to focus on homework again. 

Irene had sent her a message. She wouldn’t be home until late so Seungwan would have to have dinner alone tonight. 

Well, that was just fine. The tension was too much for her to handle. Sitting with Irene at the table was already difficult and she knew that the hanging threads between them would snap soon. 

Even as she ate alone, it felt lonely without Irene here. 

Despite their bitter words to one another, Seungwan didn’t want the older woman to go away. 

She didn’t hate her. 

I just wanted to make happy memories for you...but even I can’t do that for you...Irene’s words rang in her mind. 

What...happened to me...?

Irene did not want her then. Why does she want me now?

Seungwan contemplated the thought while in the shower. Of course no conclusion came to mind.

Irene had just had a miscarriage before stupid Donghae brought her to their life. I was just a reminder of her failures, she thought sullenly. 

Donghae doesn’t deserve Irene, she then thought angrily. He didn’t care about her well-being or what she wanted. 

Soon; she was back at her desk trying to finish her work while solving the mysteries unsuccessfully on the side. 

By the time she finished her assignments, it was past midnight and Irene was not home. Seungwan glanced at her phone wondering if she had missed a text, but there was no new message. 

She was worried. About a grown woman. 

How stupid am I? She chided herself. 

But she couldn’t help it. A part of her was now in Irene’s hands and she didn’t know why she couldn’t hate her for all the lies she told. 

Joohyun, are you coming home tonight? 

She hesitated to send the message for at least half an hour before actually sending it.

—

Donghae. 

The man who had guided her days when she became insanely famous. 

The man whose charm and kindness led her through the challenges of the industry. 

The man she had first fallen for so hard, she must be blind to see where everything went wrong. 

And now he was the man she was begging to please let her go. 

She was seated in his car waiting for his answer. 

“Irene, this is really hard for me,” he said slowly. “I can’t imagine my life without you.”

“I...I think in times like these we need each other more,” he continued. “We’re both lonely people. Your family don’t want you and my ex fiancée and daughter want nothing with me.” 

“You are wrong,” Irene countered. “I have Seungwan.”

“You don’t know that. When she knows the truth—“

“She already does.”

“Was she upset?”

“Yes.”

Donghae glanced at her. “Are you searching for justification? We both know what you did was wrong.”

“You’re the one who asked,” Irene retorted. “You are not righteous either so you have no right to tell me otherwise.”

“Ok fine. We’re both wrong. A divorce is not going to fix these problems.” He turned to her. “Look, Seungwan is almost 18. She has a whole life ahead of her yet you’re acting like she needs you all this time. I understand your regret for mistreating her, but she is not going to be your responsibility anymore. I think the...this whole thing has gotten to your head, dear.”

Irene knew he was referring to both her miscarriages and the fact that she was no longer going to be able to have children. 

“What am I supposed to do?” She growled. “When you can just dick around and use me when you want?”

“What about you and Sehun?” He demanded. “You slept with him when you’re married to me!”

“You still run back to Jessica!” She flared back. 

“Then why did you agree to this fucking arrangement?” He snapped, his eyes like fire. “Doesn’t this mean anything to you?”

That stung like thorns in her chest. She didn’t want to get emotional but his question was like asking why the sun doesn’t shine in the storm. “Once. It did.”

“Look, I was unfaithful to you and I’m sorry I didn’t know my heart well enough. I can be better and I know we can make it together. Just please snap out of this, Irene. Ever since Seungwan came into our lives, you’ve changed.”

Irene unlocked her passenger door and pulled the handle. “No. I woke up too late, Donghae. This whole thing is a sham.”

And with that, she walked out of the car and shut the door without looking back.

It was hours past midnight when she returned home. Irene wanted to drink but she didn’t want to make another scene like before. She had to overcome the urge to escape again. After all, she would have return to this cruel world. 

Is this how it felt, she wondered, for Seungwan to want to take her life?

No hope. No where to go. No one to call home. 

But Seungwan had never deserved or asked for it. She had been abandoned before she could open her eyes. 

And Irene had created this nightmare to fulfill a dream that was an utter failure in the end. 

Truly, she would be left with nothing the moment she walks away from it all. 

—

Irene thought she would be happier after the final conversation. 

But she didn’t feel any better. 

She had entered a dimension that was out of the boundaries of protection.

Divorce was no easy thing, and would certainly cause her popularity to plummet if word got out. Donghae still did not agree to sign the paperwork. He kept claiming it would destroy her and he didn’t want her to experience the consequences of breaking the perfect image of success in the industry.

While part of her success was attributed to her marriage to Donghae, she did work hard to get to where she was now. 

It didn’t seem worth it anymore, but it was already too late to turn back time. If she hadn’t been so ambitious, and if she had not fallen for the wrong person, maybe things could have been different. Maybe her way to stardom would have been less toxic.

Or maybe not. The celebrity world was crazy—as she said, dog eat dog world. It was no place for the weak hearted and it was no place to find romance—not the kind she envisioned. 

Perhaps that was her punishment: to lose the ability to have children. 

She had more enemies than friends, and she couldn’t depend on anybody. 

I was wrong.

Seungwan was in a daze all day as she went from class to class and sat with her friends at lunch. They were concerned but she brushed them off with another excuse about staying up, which she had been doing anyway. 

The last week had been so dramatic, it passed like a movie. 

She hardly saw Irene anymore after finding her horribly drunk that morning. 

The actress’s schedule seemed to have picked up. She was going to be the lead female in an upcoming film that would probably take a couple years to produce. That also meant promotions and more public appearances anywhere. 

Right now, Irene had a lot of training to attend since it was an action movie, and some sort of screening thing to get used to the lead male. 

Just the thought of that brought the image of Donghae and Irene kissing back to her mind. 

Irene was going to be kissing someone else again. 

When Seungwan returned home, she kicked off her shoes and headed straight to her room. She just wanted to close her eyes for a little bit because she was really feeling the exhaustion from nights of little sleep. 

However, she did not expect to find Irene standing in her room and it caused her to jump in alarm for the sudden surprise. 

“H-hi Joohyun,” she stammered nervously but did not cross over the threshold. 

“Welcome back,” Irene said quietly and turned to her slowly. “How was school?”

“It was alright.” Seungwan hesitated before continuing. “How about you?”

Irene watched her like a hawk, dark eyes studying her every move. 

“Is something going on?” Seungwan asked carefully because the air around them became unbreathable. But she kicked herself later for asking that since there was obviously lots of things happening under the radar. 

Something was on Irene’s mind. 

“Where would you want to go?” Irene finally said. 

“Sorry?”

“Where did you want to go?” She reiterated. “What did you hope to find?”

Seungwan frowned. Was this some sort of coded message. “What are you talking about?” 

Irene strode over and grasped Seungwan’s arm tightly before turning it over to reveal her scarred wrist and forearm. Seungwan hadn’t spent much time wondering where the scars came from. They weren’t so obvious and it was pretty easy to conceal with a jacket or long sleeve. She always thought it was just something that was a part of her. 

“Where do we go when it’s all over?” Irene murmured. 

“I...I don’t know.” 

The actress seemed worn out and exhausted. She was dressed in droopy clothing too which meant that she didn’t plan to meet anyone or go anywhere. 

Seungwan flinched when Irene gently cupped her cheek with one hand. Her wide eyes accidentally locked with Irene’s and she couldn’t look away when she saw a dying goddess in the woman’s eyes. 

“Just one thing I want to do right,” Irene whispered as tears fell down her cheeks. “I’ll...I’ll tell you everything.”


	10. Chapter 10

Seungwan’s backpack thumped loudly onto the floor as she stepped back warily. 

“Please give me a chance,” Irene whispered. Her hands clutched tightly onto Seungwan’s arms. She pulled the younger girl close, her arms encircling round her waist and preventing her from escaping. 

Seungwan looked into Irene’s tired eyes, and her breath hitched when she realized the older woman’s face was so much closer to hers. She could feel her tearful breaths against her lips...

Seungwan awoke in alarm as her eyes flew open wide in the darkness. 

Her heart raced uncontrollably and she was shaking from the rush in her veins and because she had somehow kicked off the sheets. 

Damn. Just a dream?

She pulled the covers back up to her chin and tried to find sleep again. The dream shook her up though—how real it felt and the fact that there was the hint of a kiss lingering in her mind. 

Seungwan blotted that out quickly. Her mind must be playing tricks on her because she lacked sleep these days. 

It was 3:15am. 

After minutes of tossing and turning, she finally gave up and went to get some water. On the way back to her room, she glanced at Irene’s room where the door was wide open. The actress had become busier these days with training for her new film. They saw each other less and less. Maybe Irene didn’t want to see her anymore after their big fight. 

Seungwan crept over to Irene’s door and peeked inside wondering if the older woman had returned home or was committing to late nights at work. 

Or maybe sleeping around with other celebrities. 

But Irene was deeply asleep in her bed, soft hints of a snore reaching Seungwan’s ears every now and then. 

She stepped away from the doorframe, but froze in fear when she heard soft whimpering. 

Seungwan should have gone back to her room, but she couldn’t overcome her concern—or was it curiosity?

She watched Irene flinch and heard her crying out for her mother, asking forgiveness from her family, and begging everyone to leave her alone. 

The younger girl remembered the morning finding Irene passed out on the floor with spilled alcohol everywhere around her. 

She had called out for her mom then too. 

Seungwan wondered why she couldn’t hate Irene for lying to her and dumbing everything down for her. Irene’s life was all in shambles despite how good she looked outside. 

Irene was a fucking liar. 

Seungwan slowly sat down on the bedside and pulled up the sheets that had fallen from the older woman’s shoulders. 

“I’m sorry...I’m sorry,” Irene continued to mutter in broken syllables. 

Even in this darkness, Seungwan saw the tears glisten under the light leaking through the window. She didn’t like to see people cry and the broken whimpers made her feel heavy inside. 

Soon, she found herself curling up with Irene but unsure whether to console her. 

Just being here is good enough. 

—

“This is my boyfriend, Seungjae!” Joy beamed once Seungwan and her friends gathered together at lunch. 

Apparently, Joy and Seungjae, had been together for at least a few weeks before Joy decided to tell them the news. She was fawning all over him and he blushed though he kept an arm round her waist. 

“Oh my gosh, my baby Joy is all grown up now!” Seulgi fake sobbed. Joy was a second year as was Seungjae. (Yeri is a freshman, Seulgi and Seungwan are sophomores-just a reminder). 

Seungwan spaced out as Yeri and Seulgi began to quiz the boy like crazy to make sure he was a good guy. Her eyes scanned the rest of the area, not really looking for anything in particular. 

It was just that she wasn’t into the thrills of dating. Also this new relationship reminded her of Irene and Donghae’s marriage, which also brought back the memory of the fight. 

Seungwan sighed heavily. If Irene doesn’t want to see me , maybe that’s how she felt this whole time she lied to me.

They hadn’t been seeing each other much, but it made sense since the tension between them was running high. Seungwan was usually home alone and would leave early in the morning without a chance of seeing the latter. 

She had to admit that she was avoiding Irene as well. 

What was there to say now?

The truth was out and Seungwan honestly didn’t really know what to make of it other than the fact that she knew it now. 

Irene grunted as she finished the last rep of physical exercises the trainer had given her. Her body was on fire from the intense workouts, though it was mainly because she was out of shape and quite possibly her increasing age. 

She wiped off the sweat from her brow and took some sips of cold water. There was still sparring practice after. Then she had the rest of the day off, which was unusual but appreciated. Irene wanted nothing more than to go home and sleep. 

Ever since the confrontation about the truth, she hadn’t been sleeping well and her appetite diminished. 

Irene wondered if Seungwan had been eating properly since she wasn’t home to see her in their waking hours. To be completely honest, she hadn’t seen her at all except for the one morning she found the girl curled up beside her. 

She missed the closeness they once had. Before all the shit came down on them. 

At the beginning it all seemed hopeful. They could start over again without the repercussions of the past, but that had been short lived. 

Lies were thin ice. Irene had fallen into her own trap with no way out. 

When school let out for the day, the clear sky was overrun with dark clouds that threatened rain and the wind was colder than earlier. 

Spring rain? Seungwan wondered as she glanced up worriedly. She didn’t want to get caught in a downpour. 

“Need a ride?” Seulgi asked. But Seungwan declined politely because she didn’t want her friend to know where she and Irene were living. She trusted her only to some extent, and she didn’t feel close enough to reveal her location. 

Seungwan crosses the street to the bus stop just as a thunder brewed in the distance. By the time she boarded the bus, a light rain began to drizzle the windows and eventually pattered more heavily the closer she approached home. 

Luckily, the bus stop was practically in front of the building so she just hopped off and ran up the stairs to the lobby of the apartment. 

Seungwan fished for her keys to the unit as the elevator took her up to her floor. The soft walls and freshly cleaned carpet was so familiar to her as she stepped out. The halls were eerily empty today. Or maybe she just didn’t pay attention much before.

The unit was empty as usual when she entered and Seungwan kicked off her shoes before dropping her things off in the room. Then, she shoved open the curtains to reveal that the world was now covered completely in rain. 

She stepped away letting the curtains fall back in place and decided to wash up early to warm up. 

Irene returned home early after training. The rest of her day was cleared off luckily, so she could rest her aching muscles and catch up on sleep hopefully. 

The moment she turned her key in the lock and spotted Seungwan’s shoes, she suddenly realized she hadn’t planned how she was going to walk in with the situation they were in. She could ignore her but that wasn’t right. They hadn’t seen each other much and things were probably going to be awkward if neither didn’t address the situation. 

Since Irene was the elder one, the responsibility seemed to fall on her shoulders. And furthermore, she was the one who started the problem in the first place. 

The actress gulped nervously. She had done many things—good and bad, but it felt like all the bad things were defining her more. She was surrounded with scandal after scandal, and she was...participating in shady relationships like that with Sehun. 

How am I going to fix it? She thought defeatedly. I am already too far in...

Irene took off her shoes and headed to her room first to drop off her things and organize some comfortable clothes to change into after a nice hot shower. It really felt good to be home. 

She debated going in to see Seungwan first. The bedroom door was slightly ajar but concealed anything going on in there. Irene assumes the girl was probably studying or napping if she was tired. She wasn’t sure how well the girl was sleeping, and hoped she was eating properly since she couldn’t be home to eat meals with her. 

Irene opted to shower first, and then see Seungwan. Or maybe make dinner first and then talk?

What if Seungwan doesn’t want to talk to me?

Ugh...why was this more complicated than it needed to be? Irene frowned as she turned on the shower. Why does it matter so much when Seungwan isn’t supposed to mean anything to me?

She shut her eyes instantly relaxing as the hot water cascaded over her from head to toe. 

Irene did feel bad for mistreating Seungwan. She could never live knowing that it was she who had harmed the girl and caused her near fatal injury. 

But would Seungwan have been better off dead?

This world was only cruel and Irene kept hurting Seungwan over and over again. 

Maybe what she thought was the right thing was the wrong thing. 

How could saving a life be wrong?

Irene had paused before cooking, wondering if she should muster up her courage and ask Seungwan if there was something she’d like to eat. She had to show that she was still interested in Seungwan’s company right? Irene didn’t want her to think that she hated her again. 

She had to apologize and talk to her. 

A brief surge of bravery rushed through her and Irene strode over to Seungwan’s bedroom only to freeze because she was afraid to see her. 

Shame weighed down on her. After what I did...and said to her, how can I ever atone...?

Irene stared at the door for a few more seconds and decided to just make the food Seungwan liked. 

Of course, she was fearing how she would be able to face Seungwan all the while. 

Irene cried out when she accidentally nicked herself with the knife while chopping vegetables, but actually had a sizable gash on her finger which actually began to sting. 

Seungwan had no idea that Irene was returning home early so she was instantly uneasy because she knew that they would have to face each other. The thought of skipping dinner seemed alright, but that idea was quickly shattered when she heard Irene rummaging around in the kitchen. 

Irene would most likely invite her to eat. 

And Seungwan also happened to be hungry.

However, she knew that there was no way they could keep avoiding each other. Irene was her guardian and Seungwan had no where else to go. 

But when she heard Irene cry out, she instinctively rushed out of her room because it sounded like pain. 

Irene stared at her thumb where she had accidentally sliced through the skin and met her finger nail. 

This hurt more than when she nicked herself on the glass. 

“Joohyun?” She heard Seungwan’s soft voice from the doorway. 

“I-it’s nothing,” Irene told her though she was a little shaky. “There’s nothing to worry about.” The sight of dripping blood made her feel a little sick. 

Seungwan grabbed a paper towel and gave it to Irene to press against the new wound while she retrieved the first aid kit. 

It brought back memories of the morning Seungwan found her drunk and tended to the cut from picking up glass shards. Only this time, Irene was very sober and hyper aware of the pain. 

The new cut still throbbed with pain after Seungwan cleaned and dressed the wound. It really hurt when she applied pressure to it—accidentally getting water into it was going to be a hell of a time...

“I...I can help...if you like,” Seungwan offered tentatively. 

Irene looked up at her in surprise but she didn’t want to make Seungwan cook dinner. This was supposed to be her make-up gift to Seungwan. 

But this could also be a way to aid in repairing their relationship. “Ok,” she agreed. 

Both Irene and Seungwan thought things would be awkward in the kitchen, but the cooking and prepping kept their hands busy and attention elsewhere from one another. 

“You’re less of a nightmare than I was when I learned,” Irene managed to joke. “I burned everything.”

Seungwan chuckled a little, briefly forgetting about the tension that had been between them recently. She was stirring up the veggies she had cut and heating up an egg and some meat in another pan. 

Irene moved to her side and checked on the status of their dinner. “I think it looks ready.”

Moments later, they were seated together at the table with lots of food that Seungwan realized were her favorite. 

She glanced at Irene who was just coming back with some napkins. “Thanks for helping me, Seungwan. Go ahead and eat.”

“What about you?” Seungwan asked as Irene sat down with her. 

“I will.” Irene offered a small awkward smile. 

The dinner was quiet because both Seungwan and Irene were aware of the uncomfortable tension between them. 

After the meal, Seungwan washed the dishes so Irene could keep her cut dry. 

Irene thanked her again for the help and Seungwan mumbled an awkward “you’re welcome” before beginning heading back to her room. 

“Hey,” Irene said softly. 

Seungwan turned to her. She almost couldn’t believe the sight before her. 

Irene looked so tired—exhausted. Her eyes appeared sunken and it looked like she lost weight. 

It couldn’t be the training doing this to her...Seungwan thought worriedly. 

“I’m...I’ve got to make it right,” Irene stammered. “Everything was my fault, Seungwan. I am so sorry you had to be involved in this.”

“...”

"I know there's nothing I can say that can fix everything. I just need you to know that...” Irene sucked in a breath looked away as she shut her eyes briefly before returning the gaze again. “It was wrong of me to think that I could erase the past. I am so sorry for lying to you."

"It's fine."

"No. It's not. I need to tell you everything before the accident."

"What's there to say? I already know the truth," Seungwan replied. 

Irene seemed taken aback at the response. "I've got to tell you who you are."

Seungwan gave her a serious look. "I know who I am. I am Son Seungwan, the girl Donghae brought to you from the orphanage just a year ago. I was supposed to go back."

“Donghae...” Irene’s eyes darkened. She remembered the last time they met, arguing about the divorce. 

Damn...time had passed. 

Seungwan frowned as Irene remained quiet but absent to her presence now.

“Do you still love him?” She asked. 

The older woman broke out of her thoughts and stared at Wendy incredulously. 

"Do you still love Donghae?" Seungwan persisted.

“I did...once...when I was ambitious and naive. I was 21 when we tied the knot.” Irene shook her head. “I don’t know.”

Seungwan felt a weight in her chest. 

“He is kind to everyone. Nicer than me,” Irene continued. “I don’t know anyone who disliked him.”

The younger girl didn’t want to hear anymore of this. She should never have asked when it was already a one way road. 

“Joohyun, why am I here?”

It’s not pity, right?

I’m not just someone you felt you had to take care of?

...

“Seungwan, I—“ Irene hesitated. “I couldn’t let you die for what I had done. You never deserved all the pain and suffering you went through.”

“The least I can give you is a place to come home to. You can have a normal life for once.”

It is pity. 

and guilt. 

Seungwan stared at the dark ceiling as the night drew onwards. 

What were you expecting?

—

Irene huffed as she threw a punch first left and then a right. Then, she performed an uppercut and a roundhouse kick at the dummy. 

“Very good!” The trainer called out. “We should be able to start shooting fight sequences very soon at this point. 

Irene smiled and she stepped to the side to dry off and have some water. 

After this, she would head home for a quick shower and then go to a photo shoot for a jewelry brand. 

It was all so routine and natural to do. 

Everyone still wanted her. 

How can you want to leave this behind? A world where everyone knew and adored Irene Bae. 

No! She reminded herself the plan. This is the final film. Irene Bae will disappear...

It was scary to think about throwing it all away. 

What am I going to do?

Seungwan was hardly attentive in class all day, but she did not care now. She couldn’t erase from her mind the fact that Irene might still be in love Donghae and that Irene only pitied her. 

What the hell were you expecting, idiot? She chided herself. She doesn't care about you. 

I must be insane. It’s stupid emotions.

She avoided her friends since Seungjae was hanging out with Joy and the rest of them more. It reminded her too much of the truth. 

For once, she could understand why Irene would want to hide away from the truth. Even if it wasn’t right. 

Seungwan didn’t want to admit how she felt. 

And she didn’t want to see, hear, or know Irene was married to Donghae. 

But she kept telling herself she was stupid and delusional. Get a grip. Don’t pretend. Irene only feels sorry for me...

“I got tickets to Taeyeon’s concert next “week!” Seulgi exclaimed. 

“what? How?” Yeri said. 

“I entered a raffle and got super lucky! I only have three tickets though...” 

“I’m your best friend!” Joy cried. “I’m definitely going!”

“what about Seungjae?” Seulgi pointed out. 

“He doesn’t like them much. Besides, he prefers girl groups.”

Seungwan was silent as her friends continued debating while they exited school grounds. She was hardly listening to their conversation. 

She could care less about a concert. 

The last one she’d been too with Irene had been awful. 

Oddly, it was loud out here. There was a lot of shouting and raged screaming. People were frozen and milling about instead of going their usual route home. 

Seungwan recognized the voice.

“Get your hands off me!” Hani shrieked as a tall man tried to talk with her. He looked distressed. 

“Go away! I don’t want you here!” Hani spat. 

“Hani, please. Your mother—“

“Fuck you!”

Seungwan and her friends were nearing the crosswalk and were within close proximity of the scene now. She could see clearly now that the man was Donghae. 

“Hani, listen. She wanted me to pick you up. Didn’t she text you?”

“Stop trying to play ‘dad’! You chose that bitch over us! Fuck of!” Hani stormed across the street without even regarding the traffic direction. 

Seungwan’s eye widened as she saw a large car speeding towards Hani, who was too angry to paying attention. 

“Seungwan, what are you—?” Her friends cried out. 

She had a vision of a truck barreling at her in a snowstorm, the wheels skidding over ice and yellow lights blinding her. 

Without thinking, she dropped her things and ran faster than she imagined to reach Hani and push her away. 

Tires screeched, burnt rubber filled the air. 

Seungwan blinked her bleary eyes. She couldn’t feel anything and her ears were ringing. 

“Oh god...fuck!”

“The fucking girl just walked into me! It’s not my fault!” The driver snapped. 

Seungwan heard someone calling Hani’s name over and over before everything became silent.

\--

"Move a little to the left. Tilt your head lower and stare straight at the camera...yes!" Cameras clicked quickly, instructions shouted loudly, and makeup and set artists moving briskly in and out of the way in between clicks.

Irene moved naturally with the motion of the task.

Meanwhile, in her bag, her phone was ringing. 

Caller ID: Jessica Jung

"Dammit, she isn't answering," Jessica growled to herself as the call went to voicemail again. 

"I think she's working," Donghae told her.

Jessica sent her a text and put her phone away. She whirled on Donghae, her eyes alit with anger. "How could you let this happen?" 

"I...Jess, she ran out on the street on her own!" Donghae protested. "I didn't know she was going to do that."

"Then how is it that another child can think faster than a grown man?" Jessica demanded. "Are you stupid? I would have stopped her right away! And to think that you would have been a husband and a father!"

"I am a husband," Donghae retorted hotly.

Jessica gave him a scornful look. "If anything happens, you're on your own. Go. You're making me upset."

"Jess you know this isn't completely my fault. Hani acted out on her rage."

But his ex-fiance did not respond to him. Jessica walked away from him, into the waiting room to wait for her daughter's status.

Donghae watched, his heart feeling heavy and wistful. He and Jessica loved each other so much before everything happened. He knew his choice to marry Irene would strain their relationship, but he always thought he would come back to her. He always thought he had another chance because he promised to come back. 

The fake marriage with Irene was all for show. There were supposed to be no feelings attached.

He never believed it would come to this.

Hani hated him.

Jessica didn't want him.

Irene didn't want him.

He gripped his hands into tight fists until his knuckles became white. 

\--


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: TW for mention of self harm/attempted suicide 

\--

Voicemail from Jessica

“Irene, Seungwan is in the hospital. I’m with her right now. Come as soon as you can...” 

That’s how Irene found herself standing at the entrance face to face with Donghae who had been sitting on the bench outside of the hospital with his head in his hands. 

The delay had been too long when she’d gotten the call an hour ago while she was working. 

“Irene, I’ve got to talk to you.”

“I have nothing to say to you.” 

“Wait, please!”

Irene gave him a cold stern look. “Donghae, we’re done.”

“You’ve got to hear me out. This my fault. I never intended this to happen..”

She wasn’t sure if she meant the current problem or their marriage, but she stepped aside and continued to walk away. 

“I’ll sign the divorce papers!” He blurted out just before Irene entered the hospital doors. 

—

“Miss Jung, your daughter will be just fine. Just minor scrapes and a slightly sprained wrist from the fall.”

“And the other?”

“She hit her head pretty hard against the curb, but she will be fine. Just a concussion. She may be a little fatigued, but rest will do her good and she should be able to go to school tomorrow.”

“Oh thank goodness,” Jessica heaved a sigh of relief. 

The doctor led her to a room wear a nurse was patching up Hani’s wrist with a splint.

“Hani, how are you feeling?” She asked when the doctor and nurse left the room. 

“Like shit.”

Jessica normally would have scolded her for profanity, but she decided this was not a time to make more friction between them. “Does it hurt?”

“No.” Hani stood up and started to head to the door. “I just wanna go home.”

“Alright. Just give me a moment. I...need to consult the doctor. Wait here.”

Seungwan awoke shortly after arriving at the hospital, and the doctor quizzed her over basic information to make sure she had no apparent brain injury. Her head hurt and she could feel a throbbing bump from where she had hit it against the curb. Other than that, she only sported a few mild scrapes and some bruises that weren’t deadly but would definitely give her pain. 

So now, she was waiting for Irene to come see her. 

“Hey.” Hani’s mother leaned against the doorway. “Can I come in?”

Seungwan nodded and Jessica sat down at her bedside with a sympathetic smile on her face. “How’re you feeling?” She asked. 

“I’m alright. What about Hani?”

“She’s just fine,” Jessica sighed. “Thanks...for saving her life. I don’t know what I’d do if she had passed.”

“...” Seungwan glanced at the clock wondering when Irene would come. She could tell that Jessica wasn’t a bad person, but she felt uncomfortable. 

I know her from somewhere before this...

“Ever since your accident, things have changed,” Jessica said. “I—ah, sorry. How have you been?” She quickly changed the subject. “Getting along with Irene now?”

“Yeah...” Seungwan for slightly confused about Jessica’s behavior although she mused that her head might still be affected by the concussion. 

“That’s good. She seems to like you,” Jessica commented. “Maybe even more than Donghae.”

That man! 

“How do you know him?” Seungwan asked slowly. 

“So you really don’t remember anything...” Jessica muttered under her breath. She wasn’t sure what Irene had told Seungwan and she hesitated to tell the truth as well. “He was my ex. He is Hani’s father.”

“Oh...”

“That’s why...that’s why Hani has not been the nicest to you, and I’m very sorry that you had to be dragged in.” 

Seungwan flinched when Jessica’s dainty hand held onto hers. “You really don’t deserve to be in this mess, Seungwan. How old are you again?”

“S-seventeen...?” 

“Ok. When you’re 18, you can be free. Irene can’t tie you down.”

“But...she cares about me. A little.”

“I’m sure she does, but don’t you think you owe it to yourself to grow wings to fly? You don’t owe Irene anything.”

Seungwan didn’t know how to respond to that. When she looked at Jessica, she saw the woman’s eyes were burning with conviction.

Then, Jessica’s eyes turned to the doorway where Irene was standing. 

“You made it,” Jessica said as if that were a greeting. 

Irene said nothing and Jessica stood up. “Think about what I said, Seungwan. Take care. Both of you.”

Irene watched Jessica leave before entering the room. She was so relieved to know that Seungwan had not been critically harmed. It would kill her if things had gone wrong. 

“How do you feel?” Irene asked softly. 

“I’m ok. Just sleepy.” Seungwan replied but she was glad to see the latter. 

Irene gazed at her and gently brushed back Seungwan’s fringe from her eyes. 

“I spoke with the doctor. We can go home now.”

“I’d like that.”

When they left the hospital, Donghae was nowhere to be seen.

—

When they returned home, Seungwan washed up and immediately flopped onto the bed to sleep. 

Irene wanted to be at her side, but she wasn’t sure if it was ok. Ever since their fight, they had grown further apart in such a short time. She couldn’t even face herself in the mirror because she would have to face all the lies. All the things she had done. 

She picked up her book (Kim Ji-Young, Born 1982) that she hadn’t read for a while. It was probably one of the only of her belongings that she held onto dearly for an unspeakable reason. 

People didn’t like it. It involves feminist ideas but also a truth about the patriarchy. No one wants to see the world for what it is. 

They all just bury their heads in the ground and act like everything is good. 

Nothing is good. 

The only good thing in the world is Seungwan.

She cracked open the book and started from the beginning again. After reading it so many times, she had it memorized so clearly but reading it over and over as she got older made her view of the world and herself change. 

And now even more. 

But this time, she could hardly focus. Irene had arrived just at the hospital just at the tail end of Jessica and Seungwan’s conversation. 

When you’re 18, you can be free. Irene can’t tie you down.

But...she cares about me. A little. 

I’m sure she does, but don’t you think you owe it to yourself to grow wings to fly? You don’t owe Irene anything

The actress was more shocked than infuriated. More sad than upset when she heard the dejected tone of Seungwan’s voice, the uncertainty behind her words. 

I do care, Irene thought to herself. That’s why I did this for her. That’s why I wanted to give her a better life. 

Even she wasn’t sure herself. How do I know that I care about her?

All I’ve done is hurt her over and over—

Irene snapped her book shut. 

“Dammit,” she muttered under her breath. “Why can’t I...stop...?”

Irene pulled up the sheets higher over Seungwan’s shoulders and sat with her for a little bit. She felt shame on her shoulders again even though what happened was not within her control. 

What if Seungwan had died?

Was it really worth it to save Hani?

No, no. I mustn’t think that. Hani doesn’t deserve any more bad things either. 

I should have been there for her right away. 

One hour didn’t feel long when working. 

But one hour was too long for someone to wait for her. 

“Joohyun?” Seungwan mumbled sleepily. 

The only one who calls her that. 

“Hey.”

“What time is it?”

“It’s a little past eight,” Irene replied. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired.”

A prolonged silence ensued between them and Irene cast nervous glances at her while staring out the window. 

“I’m so sorry, Seungwan,” Irene finally said. “This is all because of me. And Donghae.”

“Stop being sorry about that,” Seungwan replied.

Irene felt a little hurt at the sharpness of her tone but she kept her composure. “I really do care about you, Seungwan,” she murmured and placed her hand again the girl’s cheek. “Even if you don’t think so.”

Seungwan’s eyes widened. Did she hear the conversation with Jessica?

“Life comes with hard decisions, and lots of mistakes. Some day, you will understand, Seungwan.”

Seungwan stared into Irene’s eyes, and the older woman felt a strange tug in her chest for a split second as pulled her hand away. “Rest, Seungwan. You’ll feel better tomorrow.”

When Irene left the room, she cast a backward glance, a lost feeling of longing growing in her chest. 

—

After a dreamless sleep, Seungwan felt much better the next day. She didn’t really remember much of what happened previously. Irene took her to school and even made her a home cooked lunch. 

“I’ll see you tonight,” Irene told her.

Her friends were waiting for her anxiously at the gate that morning, which was a first since it was only Seulgi who waited. 

“I can’t believe you threw down your life for that bish!” 

Seungwan shrugged and they all went their separate ways to class. 

At the lunch break, she wanted to go to the restroom so she walked alone while her friends gathered at the usual spot. 

However, she ended up encountering Hani, who wore a wrist splint now. Her friends were talking animatedly about some new web toon, but Hani seemed to be spacing out. Seungwan stared too long and their eyes locked, but Hani said nothing as they passed. 

What a strange thing, she thought while washing her hands. 

Irene and Minho were currently in a practice screening to get used to acting together before full on filming. 

She had to admit he was pretty convincing. 

It was supposed to be a big deal that a young actor was co-starring with Irene Bae. 

After that, she had to go to training, and then return home to shower before moving on to the next project. She was filming a commercial for a soju brand. 

Speaking of alcohol, she had been trying to avoid it. 

Well, at least she was taking fake shots. Who knew how many takes they’d need for the final commercial?

Ah right, and after that she was goinn to meet Donghae again to get his signature on the divorce documents. 

She hoped he would keep his word this time. 

Seungwan didn’t realize the extent of the concussion. Despite her good night’s rest, her full endurance was not yet restored. 

She had clearly underestimated her capability to make it through the day. It was already tiring to be at school. 

The bus was full so she had to stand most of the way causing her legs to fatigue. When she finally got off the bus, she almost collapsed on the floor from the height. 

She was feeling a little woozy as she kicked off her shoes. Her ears were fuzzing up like radio waves, and her vision fading in and out. 

One step, and then another...

When she came to, she hardly felt any pain from falling. Her whole body felt kind of numb and tingly and her stomach queasy. She grimaced and managed to pull herself up. 

I need to get to bed before I pass out, was the last thing on her mind before she collapsed again. 

—

“How’s the kid doing?”

Irene met Donghae at a coffee shop not far from the company building. “She’s fine, fortunately.”

“That’s good. I...” he stopped himself and shook his head. “Tell me something, Irene. Do you think I could have been a...a good father?”

Irene pauses because she wasn’t sure what kind of an answer he wanted. And she wasn’t here for idle chit chat. But he did seem troubled. “Given the circumstances, no. But maybe in a normal life you could have,” she replied. 

“Aren’t you gonna ask me if you’d be a good mother?”

Irene frowned but didn’t let her temper get to her. “I know I wouldn’t.”

Donghae nodded and sighed heavily. “I should have gone after Hani. I keep thinking over and over how I could have saved her. I could have proved that I did care if I protected her.”

Irene sipped here coffee, though she really preferred tea. Today, she felt like she needed the bitter dark taste to keep her going. “Are you doing it because you care or to make yourself feel better?”

“what?”

“Donghae.” Irene started carefully. “You’ll have to figure your relationship with Hani on your own. But your intentions can’t be selfish if you want to fix it.”

“If Hani doesn’t want to have a relationship with you, then...you might have to accept it. She deserves her space too. And Jessica,” Irene finished but inwardly felt like she had no right to say that given her situation with Seungwan. 

Donghae gave her a smile that didn’t meet his eyes. “You say it so easily, Irene. I’m going to be alone.”

“I know.”

They stared at each other, both now feeling like strangers ever since the separation. 

“You’ve changed,” Donghae said. “I do miss you a lot. We’ve gone through so much in six years. I just wish...that things could have settled down a different way.”

Irene didn’t meet his eyes anymore. Her hand reached for the documents that were finally to be completed. “That time is over, Donghae,” she replied. “We’ve got to go.”

“You’re sure about this?” He eyed the envelope. 

“Yes.”

“...” 

“Don’t go back on your word. I don’t care what happens to me. I deserve it.”

Donghae looked grim. “You don’t deserve bad things, Irene.”

—

Seungwan stared blankly at the clock behind the child service administrator’s head. The times she sat here waiting for her new foster home was countless. 

By now she had every part of the office memorized. How long it had been? She couldn’t remember. All she knew was that she arrived here at a young age and couch surfed most of her kid days away. 

Now she was sixteen, entering her senior year in high school (her intelligence landed her a year ahead of peers her age). She was still young, and looked more like she was still 12. 

She was still cute, but other parents looking to adopt wanted to have a small child. Maybe to seem like they were a real family, raising them from a child to adulthood. 

Seungwan had seen plenty, and not all her foster homes were nice. In fact a lot of them were awful, and she was subject to neglect and abuse. The foster families got paid to take care of her. That’s why they took her in, but didn’t necessarily give her the best care. 

So now she dreaded sitting in this office where the fan circulated unbreathable air. 

A few hours later, Seungwan found herself in the back of an expensive Rolls-Royce. The inside was so nice and she feared that one move would break everything around her so she sat tall and stiff in the leather seats. 

What made things worse was that her new foster family was one of Korea’s most famous power couples. 

Donghae and Irene. 

“You’re gonna like it there,” Donghae said.

“Honey, I’m home!” Donghae called. He smiled at Seungwan and placed her things aside. “Come on. Let’s go meet your mother.”

But Donghae had never mentioned that his wife was more beautiful than the villa. Irene was a little taller than Seungwan, and she did not look like she was 27 years old at all. 

Now the teen found herself staring up at dark brown eyes that didn’t look happy or angry. Just...cold and expressionless. 

“This is our new daughter!” Donghae exclaimed. “Son Seungwan!”

Irene just stared at her. 

“Um...h-hello.” Seungwan tried to be respectful despite the discomfort in the air. 

Irene still did not say anything. Instead, her eyes flashed towards Donghae. “Why did you bring her here?”

“What? Dear, we’ve always wanted a kid! So...so we're fostering her for now!” He placed a hand on Seungwan’s shoulder. “Come on, Irene, at least welcome her here.”

Irene scoffed. “You should have discussed this with me first. Do we even have time for a child? How old is she?”

“Sixteen,” Donghae replied. 

“You should have left her there.”

Seungwan felt a bit stung that Irene could say something like that so easily in front of her. She had feelings too. 

Well, they probably didn’t know what she went through. Maybe they didn’t care. It sounded like Donghae had ulterior motives for bringing her here. Not just to care for her. 

Were they going to? Irene didn’t seem to be keen on being her guardian. 

“Look, babe. Let’s just...show her around. I’m sure you two—“

“You will. Not me,” Irene interrupted. “You got her. She’s yours.”

She didn’t want to deal with this crap anymore. She didn't want to see Irene's disdainful looks.

Seungwan turned on the bath water until it was a comfortably hot temperature. Then, she sank into it (with her clothes on) feeling the heat pinch her skin, but it was just right. 

Seungwan glanced at the razor blade and experimentally tested the sharpness against her nail. 

It was very sharp. 

She took in a breath and let the blade slide across her flesh. At first, there was no pain then a small sting followed, and she felt nothing again. 

Seungwan did it again and again. 

Blood seeped from the cuts and into the bathtub. 

The final one was the deepest and it really hurt then. She decided it was enough and waited out for eternity to come knocking on her door. 

But someone did knock on her door. 

“Seungwan! Are you in there?” It was Donghae. 

She was already beginning to feel a little lightheaded and the water around her looked like red watercolor.

“Maybe she’s asleep,” he said. 

“Seungwan!” Irene demanded. “Open the door!”

The doorknob rattled against the lock. Seungwan grinned, all in a day’s work, before everything around her became muffled white noise and a shadow over her eyes.

Dreams were amazing. The things you could see, experience, and control (sometimes). The events that would never happen in real life. 

Seungwan was in a field of grass with a majestic white horse grazing the tops of the green stems beside her. She smiled reveling in the warmth of the sun against her skin. She felt free as the wind gently brushed her cheeks. 

Turns out the gentle strokes were actually Irene’s hand against Seungwan’s cheek. 

Once she was fully awake, she noticed a medical band around Irene’s arm. An order for donating her blood to a patient. Seungwan. 

“I-Irene?” She shivered because this was not a normal gesture from the older woman, and she was guilty for causing this trouble.

“Seungwan, I’m sorry.”

“...what?” Her brain was a bit sluggish thanks to the injection the nurses gave her. 

“I...I didn’t know anything about you. I was wrong to treat you the way I did.”

Seungwan thought she must be dreaming so she blinked her eyes a couple times. Nope. Irene was still there, watching her with worry in her tired eyes. 

“I’ll let you rest,” Irene said when Seungwan didn’t respond. “You’re tired.”

“B-beautiful...” Seungwan surely was not in her right mind. The drugs were making her say stuff she would rather keep to herself. 

Irene looked shocked for a moment, but her expression softened. “Go to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

But when she shut her eyes, blinding yellow lights flashed into her vision and terror filled her chest at the last second--

When Seungwan awoke again, she was on the floor alone, and she manged to push herself up into a sitting position while trying to clear up her head. She grunted as she got to her feet unsteadily and flopped onto her bed right away.

\--

Irene frowned when she returned home. The front hallway light was on, but the rest of the unit was dark. She almost tripped on Seungwan's backpack as she went to switch on the lights. 

It was unlike Seungwan to leave her things lying around...

The woman picked up the girl's backpack and ventured into her room, where Seungwan appeared to be sleeping on the bed. She placed the backpack by the desk and gazed at her, wondering if she should wake her up.

Irene decided to let her sleep and went to her room to retrieve a blanket to place over the girl's body. She sat with her a little while in the dark. The light from the living room blocked by the door from this angle.

If both had been awake, they wouldn't see each other.

She caressed Seungwan's cheek with the back of her hand and leaned in to place a lingering kiss against her temple.

\--

A/N: references from ch. 1


	12. Chapter 12

TW for mention of suicide attempt. 

—

With the school year drawing to a close, students were preparing for final exams, graduation was just around the corner, and plans for summer were discussed. 

“I’m going to a beach resort in California,” Joy exclaimed.

Apparently Seulgi planned to travel all over the Asian continent with her family and Yeri had to go to summer school. “I’m gonna be so bored alone,” she complained. 

“What about you, Seungwan?” Seulgi asked. 

“I dunno.”

“Oh yeah, what college are you going to?” Joy asked. 

Seungwan stopped and thought hard. She didn’t remember if she had applied to any but she hadn’t been getting any acceptance for rejection letters. Plus Irene never mentioned anything about it. 

“I’ll be working probably,” she replied. “Take a break to figure things out.”

Her friends were quiet, and she wondered if they were having second thoughts about befriending her. College was big noise for some reason. Apparently where you went overrode your worth as a person. 

“That’s ok! Plenty of people take off a year,” Seulgi replied. 

“So...got any plans this weekend?” Seungwan changed the subject. 

“Yes! Seungjae and I are watching Fantastic Beasts!” Joy answered immediately. “I’ve been wanting to watch that for a while.”

While the others shared their plans, Seungwan’s mind drifted back to her conversation with Jessica, which had been on her mind for a while. 

She had regained her strength after a few day’s rest so there were no more fainting spells to worry about. 

“Hey. Hello? Wendy?” Yeri waved her hand in front of her face. “You there?”

“What’s up?”

“Wanna get ice cream with us?”

“No but thanks for offering. I’m gonna hang out with Irene. we haven’t been seeing each other much.”

“Aw you never hang out with us!” Seulgi leaned on her shoulder. “Is she that much cooler than us?”

Seungwan wrinkles her nose and pushed her off. “I’m hanging out with you now,” she pointed out. 

“Yeah but what about when we graduate? We won’t see each other!”

Seungwan looked at her and then Joy and Yeri. 

She hadn’t considered herself to be very close with them. They just met at school and that was that. 

She hardly interested herself in engaging more in their friendship. Honestly, she didn’t easily trust them either.

“Before school ends,” she decided. 

—

Seungwan happened to be lazing out on the balcony and letting the wind blow bubbles for her when Irene returned home before sunset. This was a first since she was usually back late in the night or while Seungwan was asleep. 

“What’re you up to?” Irene leaned against the doorway looking all pretty in her jeans and blouse. 

“I’m spying.”

“On what?”

“Nothing.” 

Irene sat down beside her. “How are you?”

“Fine.”

“No...like how are you?” 

Seungwan glanced at her. “I’m really ok, Joohyun.”

“Ok. Alright. I just needed to make sure.” 

Seungwan dipped the wand into the bottle but the bubble solution had run out. She twisted the cap back on and watched the swimming pool ripple in the courtyard. 

“Seungwan, I...” Irene started nervously. “I want to make up for what I did. Would you...would it be alright with you?” She said slowly. 

“...” how are you going to do that?

“You don’t have to decide now,” Irene added. 

Later that night, Seungwan lay awake in her bed trying to figure out Irene’s intentions. She was sure that the woman was feeling bad about everything and wanted to make up to help get rid of the guilt. It seemed logical that anyone might want to take some steps in rebuilding a lost relationship. 

Why should I give her the chance?

Every time I have come up in a conversation, she only waves me off like nothing—she recalled Irene’s words to Sehun. 

She never acknowledges me in front of her coworkers. 

Just doing her a favor by keeping her. 

Or were they just empty words?

To protect herself?

But why is it ok to throw me under the bus?

Yet, Irene did admit the truth in the end. The guilt and anger must have eaten at her so much. And Irene did say she was sorry.

Too many times already. 

She didn’t want to hate Irene. 

Seungwan decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and went to Irene’s room. The woman was reading something at her desk, but put down the papers when Seungwan walked in. 

“About earlier,” Seungwan started nervously. “I...I would like to try to...restart.”

They didn’t go out for the sake of privacy—at least for their first “date” or whatever one may call it. 

It was awkward trying to figure out how to spend the time together. Irene wasn’t really sure what Seungwan liked so she tried to think what she might have done in high school or with Donghae. 

Movies?

Games?

Irene bought some weird family games the other day, but now looking at it they seemed silly. 

She’s almost an adult. Not a kid. 

Food? 

But we eat dinner together most days.

“Do you like movies?” Irene asked. 

“They’re ok,” Seungwan replied. 

“Any you’re interested in?”

“Not really.”

“Ok...Um, What do you think of these?” She showed the games to Seungwan. 

The younger girl seemed puzzled at first. She picked one up and read the contents before going on to the next one. There was an arm wrestling for two players, a magnetic fishing game, and a crocodile game but in the form of a dog. “They’re interesting.” Seungwan was slightly amused to think that her hangout with Irene was something like this. But she didn’t feel comfortable to have such close one on one time with Irene. 

It would be better to watch a movie where they wouldn’t have to talk or look at each other. 

“Maybe a movie?” Seungwan suggested to which Irene agreed immediately. 

Irene didn’t use Netflix so she actually got a free trial conveniently for this weekend. 

While she flipped through them, Seungwan saw the one she watched woth Taeyeon and pointed it out to her. 

“It’s a kid’s movie?” Irene inquired. 

“It’s good,” Seungwan replied. 

“Ok.” She selected the movie and they waited for the opening sequence. 

Irene hadn’t watched a kid movie since Despicable Me so she expected it to be cutesy and comical. However much the art was animation, the story was actually quite sad like the scene where Spirit is caught and separated from his herd by colonists. 

Unfortunately, Irene was getting a little sleepy—not becasue of the movie, but due to the fact that she had been so busy from work. 

Meanwhile, Wendy managed to forget the awkwardness and get drawn into the story again. But then it started to get loud at the intense parts and she flinched. She glanced at Irene wondering if it caught her off guard too, but was surprised to find Irene fast asleep, oblivious to the events.

Seungwan slowly got up to get a blanket for Irene. When she returned, she covered Irene with the soft blanket and the actress sighed heavily, clutching the fabric to her tightly. 

Looks like movie time is over, Seungwan thought and turned off the screen. 

Irene must be so exhausted. 

A lock of raven hair covered Irene’s cheek and the younger girl gently brushed it back, her fingers ghosting over Irene’s face. 

That seemed to wake her up and she jolted in alarm. “Oh...Seungwan, I fell asleep...?”

“You need to rest,” Seungwan told her. 

“But we were supposed to spend tonight together...I’m so sorry,” Irene spluttered through her sleepiness. 

“It’s alright, Joohyun. I’m just glad to be here with you.”

Irene shook her head. “I’m getting old...” she muttered to herself and slowly got up, wincing from the soreness of sleeping while sitting. 

She felt regret that they couldn’t enjoy the movie together. Now she would never know what happened. 

“Hey,” Irene said as Seungwan moved things to their proper place. “Thanks...for agreeing to do this with me.”

“It’s ok.”

—

Graduation day came all too fast. 

Wendy walked out of the gate with her friends. Everyone was excited that school was over and summer time was looming. 

The day before, they went to get ice cream together. On graduation days, there wasn’t time for graduates to hang out since they would spend the few hours before the ceremony. 

Wendy had half a mind not to walk, but she wasn’t sure if that would reflect badly on Irene. 

Furthermore, she had been thinking about Jessica’s last words to her. 

But she didn’t know how to she could ‘grow wings to fly’ when she had nowhere to go. 

Wendy didn’t know what she wanted to do. 

And she didn’t know what she was going. 

All this time, fooled to believe Irene’s sham crystal castle that shattered already. Yet at the same time, Wendy had wanted to believe it because she didn’t want to drown in confusion and insecurity. 

“See you at the ceremony?” Seulgi asked. 

“Yeah.”

Irene couldn’t be there to bring Wendy to the graduation ceremony due to time conflict with her work, but she promised to attend and meet her at the end. 

So Seungwan l took herself to school and found Seulgi conversing with some other seniors that she could hardly care for. 

She dreaded the long experience.

As they lined up to enter the auditorium, she spotted Hani with her friends on the other side. Hani seemed to be more quiet these days but still her feisty self to others. They hadn’t interacted ever since the accident which Seungwan did not mind. 

As expected, there were long speeches about student success and the future looking bright. Then, came the part where everyone would walk the stage. 

“Son Seungwan.”

She walked on stage, took the diploma, got a photo snapped; and she was back in her seat next to Seulgi. 

The rest of the students were called, more speeching, and finally they were graduated. 

Seulgi dragged Seungwan to meet her parents, who were very kind to her. 

Yeri and Joy were there with smiles and picture taking. 

Seungwan wasn’t much into photos but for her friends she would do it. 

She scopes around for Irene, wondering if she would keep her words about being here. She checked her phone to find no messages. 

“Seungwan.”

The young teen turned to find Irene standing there. She was dressed nicely and carried a dark blazer draped in her arms. “Congratulations,” Irene said. 

Seungwan was surprised because she had been about to lose the last ounce of trust she had in Irene’s words. Her life with Irene until now had been a lie so what would stop the actress from lying again?

No, don’t think like that. Irene is trying her best—

“Are you ok?” Irene asked. 

“Yeah.”

After the ceremony, Irene took her to a nice restaurant for dinner together. They were in a private booth to avoid any interruptions from strangers that would recognize Irene. 

Seungwan remembered that they had done something like this before and before she had lost her memory. The only thing missing was Donghae. 

She tried not to think about that while spending time with Irene. 

“What’s the occasion?” The waiter asked when he took their orders. He noticed that they were dressed nicely—Irene in a nice blouse tucked into a black skirt, while Seungwan wore black slacks and button up shirt. 

“She graduated,” Irene replied. 

“Ah congratulations, miss” he said to Seungwan.

She thanked him with a smile and the two were alone again, Seungwan sipping at her water. They hadn’t spent alone time like this for a while. 

“What are your plans for the summer?” Seungwan asked when it got a little too tense. 

Irene seemed thankful that she was making an effort to converse. “Filming mostly and promotions.”

“You’ll be flying?”

“Yes.” Irene helps onto her water glass with one hand. “Seungwan, I...” It looked like she was going to say something important, but the waiter arrived with their food and she shook her head. “Let’s just eat.”

The ride back home was quiet. The radio softly played under the hum of the engine. Seungwan stared out the window at the passing night lights. 

Now that high school was over, she didn’t know what to do. What plans did she have before now? 

Nothing. 

She remembered wanting to end everything, even attempting to do it herself in Donghae and Irene’s household, but failing in the end. 

Right now, she didn’t know what to do, but she didn’t want to disappear. 

Where do we end up?

Upon returning home, they washed up and Seungwan lounged in her bedroom while Irene showered. 

She hugged her pillow and recounted the unremembered memories swimming in her mind without any particular order. 

Irene didn’t want me. 

But then she was sorry. 

She still is sorry. 

And that’s why I’m here. 

You already knew that, Seungwan chided herself. 

Forget it. Just take it for what it is now. 

Irene is an adult. She can do what she wants. 

Ugh but why did it still hurt knowing that Irene could easily take her heart and break it? 

Even if it was to protect herself, it didn’t make it right. 

All those times she lied and got mad when Seungwan asked anything about the truth. 

Or maybe Irene was angry at herself. 

“Hey.”

She opened her eyes to find Irene at her side. “Oh...hey.”

“Tired?”

“Yeah, thanks for the dinner.”

Irene gave her a small smile. “It’s been a tough year.”

Seungwan couldn’t agree more. 

“Good night, Seungwan.” Irene’s lips brushed over her temple. 

The gesture wasn’t the same knowing the past and knowing the truth. 

She wanted to feel this intimacy from Irene. 

Yet at the same time, she felt violated. 

No. 

I have to...get out. 

—

A year later...

Seungwan sighed heavily as she once more swept up the mess that accumulated every fifteen minutes at the coffee shop. It was so busy here but at least she had work. 

Her shift would be over in an hour and then she would head to her classes at a junior college close by. Since she had no idea what the hell she was doing, it didn’t hurt to take some classes just in case she would find an interest and transfer out. Plus, the school supported some study abroad which seemed interesting—not that she was going. 

Now that she was working and studying, she spent more time out of the house, meaning that she didn’t always see Irene. Sometimes, Irene didn’t return in the night so Seungwan would be alone. Since she was older now, Irene didn’t worry about her too much and she would be left alone for days on end when Irene had to fly out. 

It seemed that they were as distant as ever now. 

Seungwan lost contact with her high school friends as time passed longer. She met some people at junior college, but she didn’t feel interested to befriend them. Besides, everyone was all in passing and relationships now would be long forgotten. Better don’t waste time. 

No one seemed to know who she was luckily. No one knew the name of the girl that Irene took in which worked just perfectly. The last thing she needed was more fake people in her life. 

On this particular day, Seungwan returned home late. She swapped shifts with a coworker so she closed up shop for the night. She was tired and wanted nothing more than to take a nice hot shower and go to bed. 

When she came out of the shower, Irene’s room light was on. A first in a while. 

She went to investigate, but the room was empty. Perhaps she hadn’t noticed it when she walked in. Sometimes, Irene returned in the middle of the day to pick up something or rest a little. 

She choked on her breath when arms wrapped around her from behind. “You smell nice, Seungwan,” Irene murmured. 

“You scared me!” The latter exclaimed and clutching her chest when she pulled away.

Irene chuckled and leaned on the desk. Her expression turned from amusement to concern. “You’re losing weight...”

“Oh...I thought I was gaining some. I’ve been eating a lot of croissants these days,” Seungwan replied. 

“I’ll make you something tomorrow.”

“Are you staying tonight?” Seungwan asked. 

“Yes.”

It must be some weird feeling of attachment or maybe Seungwan really did miss her. 

Seungwan chose not to have much of a social life and it got lonely sometimes. 

She craved to be close to Irene again. 

How can I leave her?

Seungwan soon found herself in Irene’s bed. They lay like stiff logs, not wanting to touch the other for some reason. 

Bad memories? Maybe. 

But Seungwan was also afraid to become too attached again. 

Too attached that she might want to believe in the blinders that concealed Irene and the truth. 

Sure she lied and did all this crazy stuff to Seungwan, but there was something else that the girl wanted that she knew was impossible. 

Irene will never love her. 

She will always be Son Seungwan, the girl from the orphanage. 

The next morning, she awoke in Irene’s arms—anything to make her yearn for what she shouldn’t want. 

At least, she could just have this one moment. 

The last time. 

I have to...let go. 

I’ve got to fly. Away from here. 

Away from you. 

She pressed against Irene’s chest, the steady pulsating heart hypnotizing her to fall into the woman’s warm embrace. 

—

Dear Joohyun,

I am sorry for not saying goodbye properly. 

I’m afraid I will become attached and lose the courage to finally be free. 

You did so much for me yet you also hurt me. I don’t know how to live like this anymore wondering why I have to wonder if you really care about me. 

But thank you for taking care of me and for trying to fix everything. 

I want to say so much but I don’t know how. I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. I don’t even know who or what I’m supposed to be. 

I just need to get out. I’ve got to. 

Please forgive me. 

-Son Seungwan 

—hey guys thanks for waiting. Been a while since I updated this one. 

I hope it didn’t go too fast, but I think (and maybe others will agree?) that it was lingering too much so I was trying to move things forward 

Thank you for your feedback and support. 

Stay safe


End file.
